Navigating the Hidden Traps: 5 Common Relationship Pitfalls and How to Sidestep Them for Lasting Connection
One of the drawbacks of living in Chicago is the potholes. When I first moved here more than twenty years ago from Florida, where the roads are smooth and winters don’t exist, the cracked pavement and brutal cold were a stark reminder of what I had left behind. Back then, the potholes felt unpredictable, lurking in the most unexpected places. Blown tires and emergency air stops weren’t just inconveniences; they became a regular part of life.
Over the years, something changed. You begin to recognize where the potholes are. You grow more aware of the ones near your neighborhood and along your usual routes. And with that awareness, you learn to navigate differently. You slow down. You plan ahead. You avoid what you can so the drive is smoother and less costly.
Relationships are a lot like roads filled with potholes. When you’re aware of the hazards, you can prepare for them. You can avoid many altogether. But when you’re unaware—or dismissive—you’re far more likely to fall into common pitfalls that can damage trust, connection, and intimacy.
Becoming aware of these relational pitfalls can dramatically change how you navigate your marriage and close relationships.
As a clinical psychologist, I’ve spent countless hours walking alongside couples in crisis through private counseling sessions, workshops, retreats, and conferences, I’ve had the privilege of working with couples from richly diverse cultural backgrounds. What I’ve witnessed over time aligns closely with what research consistently shows. But these principles aren’t just theories I’ve read about or observed in others; I’ve also seen them unfold across my own twenty-eight years of marriage.
In the following article, I will highlight five common pitfalls couples encounter, along with practical strategies to help prevent them from sabotaging our relationships and to show how, with intention, they can actually become opportunities to strengthen the covenant.
Pitfall 1: The Silent Relationship Killer: It’s not what we say, it's what we can’t see.
Most couples don’t fail because they don’t talk. They fail because they don’t recognize the emotional habits they’ve formed. The real danger isn’t poor communication, it’s relational blind spots. The main issue is the destructive cycle couples fall into without realizing it. Each partner reacts in ways that make sense to them but unintentionally trigger the other. That reaction sparks a counter-reaction, and before long, both are locked into a dance neither remembers choosing.
These cycles often manifest as criticism met with defensiveness, emotional bids met with stonewalling, disappointment that hardens into contempt. According to John Gottman’s decades of research, these patterns are highly predictive of relational breakdown, not because couples are malicious, but because they are unaware.
Until couples can see the pattern, they will keep fighting the person instead of the cycle.
Most destructive cycles don’t start with big fights. They start with small cues: words, tones, facial expressions, or behaviors that activate old wounds, assumptions, and defenses.
An example of how this plays out is as follows:
One criticizes → the other defends → first escalates → second stonewalls
A criticism can sound like:
“I shouldn’t have to ask.”
“Here we go again…”
“You always” or “You never”
These trigger defensiveness or motivate the partner to shut down.
The trigger is rarely the real issue. It’s the alarm it sets off inside the relationship.
Abandonment or Rejection triggers sound like:
“Do whatever you want.”
“I’m done talking.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Forget it.”
These often trigger pursuing, panic, anger, or emotional flooding.
A few years ago, during COVID, my husband and I went through a particularly difficult season. Our teenage son developed a Candida infection after taking antibiotics for what began as a flu-related cold sore. His treatment required an extremely strict diet: no sugar and virtually no carbohydrates. For months, food planning became exhausting, emotional, and high-stakes.
About seven or eight months into this routine, I decided to try something new and searched for creative recipes to bring some variety back to our meals. A few of the ingredients weren’t technically on the approved list. As I was cutting carrots in the kitchen, my husband noticed and immediately reacted. His tone felt sharp and critical. I felt it in my chest. I became defensive and snapped back, telling him he was overreacting.
Not long after, I chose to step away and go for a hike. The interaction sat heavily with me. As I walked, I slowed myself down and began to reflect—not just on what happened, but on what I was feeling and why it affected me so deeply. That was when I realized something important: it was the first time since our son’s health crisis began that I had truly processed the emotional toll it had taken on me. I had been carrying the stress, fear, and pressure quietly for months. It had been building. I realized that what was really bothering me about the whole situation was how it stripped away our autonomy as a family. We were closed off to many of the usual activities and outings we had enjoyed because the diet was so restrictive we fell into just being home. Enriching experiences for our family is something I highly value, take pride and enjoy putting together.
As my mind started forming negative assumptions about my husband, his tone, his quick criticism, I caught myself. I could suddenly see the dance. This moment wasn’t really about carrots. There was more happening beneath the surface. We were both responding from strain, fear, and exhaustion. And it was in that awareness that I recognized what I now call the second major pitfall in relationships.
Action Step: Take a moment to reflect on the cycle you tend to fall into. Think about the most recent disagreement you had with your spouse. Write it down, and notice how each of you responded to one another.
You can use this simple format to help uncover your pattern:
“The more I ______, the more you ______, the more we ______.”
This exercise isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. Seeing the cycle is the first step to changing it.
Below are three other common relational cycles that couples often find themselves repeating.
- One expresses hurt → the other minimizes → first protests → second withdraws
- One seeks closeness → the other feels controlled → one pursues → the other distances
- One shuts down → the other panics → one pressures → the other goes numb
Over time, couples stop hearing each other and start reacting to the emotional memory of past fights and get into a neurological rut.
Which of the relational cycles above do you relate to?
II. Pitfall 2: The Silent Shift from Partner to Opponent
When I slowed down and truly paused, setting my own grievances aside long enough to consider where my husband was coming from, something shifted. I began to wonder, What was really happening for him? Why did the carrots trigger such a strong reaction? What nerve had been touched?
And then it came back to me.
I remembered that as a child, my husband had spent nine months hospitalized in Peru due to serious health complications connected to his diet. During that time, visits were highly restricted. He was separated from his mother and left to endure long hospital days largely alone. His strictness around our son’s diet wasn’t just about food. It was about fear. It was about protection. It was about a deep, embodied memory of helplessness, vulnerability, and loss of control.
When I remembered his story, the cycle we had fallen into suddenly made sense.
I could see his reaction not as an attack, but as an alarm. Not as control, but as care shaped by unresolved pain. In that moment, he stopped being the villain of the story or an opponent I needed to defend myself against. He was my partner, responding from a place that deserved understanding, not combat.
When a partnership turns into a competition, when someone has to win and someone has to lose, ego takes over. Empathy disappears. Apologies become rare. Scorekeeping begins. And slowly, that mindset erodes emotional safety and sabotages the well-being of the relationship.
Action Step: After conflict:
- Pause and reflect on your own feelings. Create intentional space to process the tension, later that evening, the next morning, or whenever you can be calm and reflective. Revisit the most recent moment of strain with your spouse and explore what you were truly feeling and why. Go beneath the surface. Name it. Write it down. When emotions remain unprocessed, they often stay lodged in the body and end up leaking out in ways that betray our deeper intentions.
- Write down assumptions and interpretations. Next, ask yourself what story you were telling about the situation. What did you assume? What meaning did you give it? Write that down too, and consider where those interpretations might be coming from.
- Consider your partner’s perspective and history. Then comes the harder—and more transformative—part: turn your attention toward your spouse. Ask yourself, What might they be feeling? Why might this situation have impacted them so strongly? Recall their history, past experiences, and previous conversations. You may not know the full answer and that’s okay. The posture of curiosity itself begins to lower emotional intensity and soften the nervous system.
- Re-engage with empathy, not accusation. It can also be helpful to consider personality and how our natural dispositions shape the way we and our spouses communicate. We’re all wired differently, and many conflicts arise when we interpret a spouse’s reaction as personal or intentional, when in reality it often reflects their personality and how they experience the world. While we can always learn and grow, it helps to resist assigning ill intent to our partner. As you reflect on a recent disagreement or tension, ask yourself: Is my spouse’s response consistent with how they are wired? Understanding their personality can bring empathy, reduce unnecessary conflict, and help you respond more thoughtfully. When you return to the conversation, you’re far more likely to speak with empathy rather than accusation and empathy creates the conditions for a productive, connecting dialogue rather than a competitive one.
III. Pitfall 3: Letting External Influences Erode Your Bond
One of the most subtle yet powerful threats to a relationship is allowing outside voices to carry more weight than the one across from you. Social media invites constant comparison: highlight reels that quietly suggest other marriages are happier, more romantic, more exciting, or more successful. Family and friends, often well-intentioned, can unintentionally plant seeds of doubt, division, or pressure. Past wounds, unresolved stories, and previous relationships can also get projected onto a present partner who never authored them. Over time, these external influences pull couples out of alignment, shifting loyalty from the partnership to opinions, fears, and expectations that don’t belong to the marriage.
One common theme I hear from couples involves the influence of in-laws, most often a mother-in-law. While many couples are thoughtful about acknowledging the strengths, support, and positive qualities their extended family brings, they also frequently describe in-laws as a significant source of tension. Conflict often arises when one partner feels the other is taking sides, sharing private matters, or making decisions with an in-law’s input without fully considering their spouse’s needs, boundaries, or perspective. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and unity within the marriage. In some extreme situations I’ve encountered, the level of distress has become so severe that it led to deeply unhealthy and even destructive behaviors, highlighting just how powerful and destabilizing unresolved in-law dynamics can be.
Action Step: Prioritize your inner circle. Establish couple-only decision rules, practice media detoxes, and return regularly to shared values and vision.
IV. Pitfall 4: Ignoring Bids for Connection
“I feel lonely even though I am married” is a lament I hear all too often. Busy schedules, endless responsibilities, and the lack of intentional moments for connection can leave couples feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. When there is time together, it’s often hijacked by social media, screens, or digital distractions, now including AI coaches and other online tools that, while helpful, can inadvertently replace real human connection. Ignoring or neglecting the relationship through missed daily bids for connection—hugs, kisses, cuddling, or meaningful conversation—slowly erodes intimacy. Every interaction is a deposit into the emotional “bank account” of the relationship. When couples fail to make those deposits, they find themselves emotionally underfunded, especially when life’s inevitable crises demand withdrawals. The result is distance, frustration, and a quiet loneliness that can exist even in the same room.
Action Step: Take initiative. Schedule regular time together, even if it’s simple: coffee, a walk, or a tech-free hour each day or week. Small, consistent actions rebuild connection.
V. Pitfall 5: Rushing Milestones or Losing Individuality
My husband participates in a couple of sports groups—soccer and ultimate frisbee before dawn during the week. When he comes home after playing, competing, and enjoying time with other men, he’s a new man. He’s happy, upbeat, and energized. While exercise certainly contributes to his mood, the real shift comes from being part of a community of men who share his interests, competitiveness, and sense of fun. In these spaces, he doesn’t have to meet all of his social or competitive needs through me or the kids.
I have similar experiences with women’s groups—book clubs or Bible studies—where my emotional and social needs are nurtured. These examples show how we’ve intentionally cultivated friendship, fun, and connection outside of our marriage. Beyond work, we maintain both shared community and individual communities.
Many marriages lose this balance. Couples become absorbed in each other and attempt to meet every emotional, social, and personal need solely within the marriage. In some Latin American countries, the phrase “media naranja”—or “your other half”—reflects this idea of finding someone to complete you. While romantic in theory, the concept can be misleading. It suggests we are incomplete without our partner, which can foster co-dependency and place unrealistic expectations on the marriage. Healthy relationships thrive not when we rely entirely on one another for fulfillment, but when each partner is fully formed, while still choosing to share life together.
Along the same lines is the tendency for couples to try to do life alone. Couples who actively engage with other couples, families, and communities consistently thrive. This was clearly demonstrated in a five-year study we conducted with 3,000 couples across eight churches in the Chicagoland area. Similar patterns emerge in national and cross-sectional studies: couples who participate in church or community-based activities together experience stronger, healthier relationships.
Action Step: Cultivate both shared and individual communities. Pursue interests, friendships, and group activities outside the marriage while returning to shared experiences with intentionality.
Building a Pitfall-Proof Relationship
Change is often not revolutionary. It's not loud. It doesn’t enter with bells, whistles and exclamation points. It comes through shifts. It comes with micro habits. With the next wise step. It comes with sacred moments of solace, of an embracing compassionate embrace, of seeing the other with depth of understanding, of being valued and loved and you know it's happening because it brings a wind of hope.
Throughout this article, we’ve explored some of the most common relationship pitfalls: falling into unconscious cycles, losing empathy for one another, letting external influences erode your bond, and neglecting connection and individuality. We’ve also discussed practical strategies to avoid them—from pausing to process your own emotions, practicing empathy, setting healthy boundaries, to cultivating friendships and communities outside the marriage. Remember, meaningful change doesn’t happen overnight. Small, intentional steps compound over time and can transform the trajectory of your relationship.
Pick one strategy today and put it into practice. Whether it’s scheduling a tech-free date night, reflecting on your emotional patterns, or setting a boundary with external influences, take that small step, and the next wise step, establish the new habit and with due time, your relationship will flourish.
What pitfall resonates most with you? How will you respond differently next time?
By sidestepping these common traps, you’re not just surviving, you’re creating a connection that thrives, one rooted in empathy, intentionality, and love.
Resource:
Family Portrait: Sign up to experience the Family Bridges theatrical presentation, which explores family dynamics—including in-laws—and comes with discussion guides. Watch it with your partner, or gather your family for a watch party, and use the prompts to reflect on your own relationship pitfalls and areas for growth. It’s a fun, interactive way to spark meaningful conversations and strengthen your connections.