When You Don't Like Someone

Mother's Day can be a tender, complicated time. For those of us who have lost our mothers, or whose relationship with our mother was never what we hoped it would be, the holiday can carry a quiet ache. But I have come to believe that God, in His goodness, does not leave us without love. Sometimes He places that love in the form of a friend. A sister who was never born into your family but came into your life by something far greater than coincidence.

This is a blog about that kind of friendship, and it starts with an unlikely place…judgment.

There is a Bible verse that says "Two are better than one" (Ecclesiastes 4:9), and another that reminds us that "as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). These verses are clear: we are not meant to do life alone. We need people, and we need the friction and the warmth of real relationships to grow into who God is calling us to be.

But there is also a verse that cautions us not to judge others, and that one? That one is a little harder to sit with.

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."  Luke 6:37

If we are honest with ourselves, judging comes naturally. It is almost reflexive. We size people up based on our experiences, our preferences, the way something makes us feel. And most of the time, we do not even realize we are doing it. Judging, at its core, is making a decision about a person or a situation without first taking the time to explore the facts.

Let me give you an example, one of  my own.

In my teenage years, I was shy, guarded, and quietly skeptical of the world around me. I watched my surroundings carefully and made quick internal decisions about what, and who I was comfortable with.

I remember watching this young woman across the room. Long curly brown hair. Full of laughter and life. The kind of energy that fills up a whole space. She was everything I was not, and within moments of observing her, I had decided: I don't like her. We had never spoken. I did not know a single thing about her, but she was too loud for my taste, too much, and my mind was made up.

Then life happened, as it always does. My mother had to make an emergency trip to Puerto Rico, and I was left with my father. He would drop me off at church, and I would retreat to my safe corner with my small circle of friends and keep to myself.

One Sunday, she walked over to me and invited me to go out to eat after service.

Everything in me hesitated. I had already rendered my verdict. But something…someone, I believe, nudged me to say yes.

That was 37 years ago, and she has been my sister, my friend, and my constant ever since. We have never been apart.

I think back on that girl I was, arms crossed, mind already closed, and I have to ask myself: Why did I judge her so harshly?  More importantly: What would I have lost if she had never asked?

If she had sensed my distance and walked away, I would never have known what I was missing. I would have gone through life without the gift of her friendship, and I would not have even known to grieve it.

So why do we do this? Why do we judge so prematurely?

Is it the residue of past relationships that wounded us? Is it that someone reminds us, even subconsciously, of a person who once hurt us? Is it simply that they are different from us, and difference, when we are afraid, can feel like a threat?

My sister-friend and I could not be more opposite. We see life differently. We have our disagreements and our contrasts. But none of that has ever been enough to create a wedge between us, because I have accepted her as she is. I see her beautiful qualities, and those qualities are far greater than any flaw. Love has a way of doing that when you actually let someone in.

I am not saying we must befriend every person we meet. There is wisdom in discernment. There will be moments when something in your spirit genuinely signals that a relationship is not safe or right for you. In those moments, you protect yourself. You create boundaries, and there is nothing wrong with that.

However, there is a difference between discernment and dismissal. There is a difference between setting a healthy boundary and building a wall around your heart because someone is different, or loud, or unfamiliar, or simply did not check all the boxes on your unspoken list.

Before we write someone off, it is worth pausing to ask: What is really driving this? Have I actually tried to know this person, or have I only evaluated them? Have I given them a fair chance, or have I simply decided from a distance?

Even when a deep connection is not meant to be, we can still extend kindness. We can still be polite, warm, and human. There is no need to rush past someone or make them feel invisible. After all, Jesus Himself was misunderstood and rejected by many, and He was the Son of God. People made up their minds about Him based on their own comfort, their own beliefs, their own preference for the familiar. They missed who He was entirely.

Let us not miss people that way.

If you are navigating this Mother's Day without your mother, or with a complicated grief around what that relationship was or was not, I want you to know that love finds a way. God is creative and relentless in how He brings connection into our lives.  

But sometimes, and this is the part we have to be honest about, we are the ones standing in the way. Sometimes we are the ones standing in the way, having already made up our minds before anyone even had a chance. 

Women, we do this to each other more than we realize. We judge the way she carries herself. The way she laughs too loud or stays too quiet. The way she is too much or not enough, and in doing so, we miss her…the very person God may have placed in that room specifically for us.

So before you walk past her, before you build the wall, before you let judgment make a decision that your heart may one day regret…pause. Ask yourself: Have I actually given her a chance, or have I only given her a verdict?

Your sister, your friend  might be right there. Say yes, and who knows you may look back 37 years from now and be so glad that you did.