When AI Meets the Heart: Virtue and Attachment in the Era of AI

As a parent of two teens, AI comes up often in our home. Like many thoughtful parents, we’ve worked hard to teach our kids how to think clearly, communicate well, build strong character, and grow in their faith. But AI is putting that to the test. These tools are powerful, easy to access, and often offer quick answers that can take away from deep learning and growth.

We want our kids to be ready for the future, including using AI in smart and responsible ways. But we’re careful about jumping in too fast partly because AI seems to create shortcuts to critical thinking, and also because there aren’t strong safety rules in place yet.

As a Christian Clinical Psychologist and social entrepreneur who works with families, leaders, and mental health, I look at this through the lens of faith, science, and values. In this article, I’ll share ideas that I hope will help you create healthy, thoughtful AI guidelines for your family, church, or ministry.

​​From Utility to Intimacy: The Evolving Role of AI

The digital world is already tricky, and we haven’t fully dealt with the problems social media can cause for friendships, family bonds, and mental health. Now, with AI becoming more common, even bigger questions are coming up about how it might affect our families.

Alas, it's here and we need to wrestle with these legitimate parental concerns. Lately, I’ve been struck by a deeper, more disconcerting question. It is one that resonates with an open letter sent by Evangelical leaders to President Trump in May of ‘25,

 “The spiritual implications of creating intelligence that may one day surpass human capabilities raises profound theological and ethical questions that must be thoughtfully considered with wisdom.”

A recent poll about the top 10 user cases for AI caught my attention. It noted a significant shift from people relying on AI for technical support in 2024 to using it primarily for emotional connection in 2025. One client admitted to falling in love with an AI, saying he would struggle to give it up even if his spouse asked him to. “I’m a better person because of it,” he said. “I can’t imagine not depending on it now.” It is a kind of emotional infidelity, and the resulting patterns of shame and guilt can be just as destructive as addictions that tear families apart.

AI now does more than help with work, it also gives emotional and spiritual support. Companies are making chatbots that act like friends and good listeners. These bots learn from you and give answers that feel just right.

What happens when AI stops being just a tool and starts feeling like a friend? When it’s easier to talk to AI than to family, pastors, or counselors? Some people spend 5–10 hours a day with AI, choosing it over real people. Why face real problems when AI gives quick support and comfort without asking for anything? Sometimes, AI even seems to understand your feelings better than those around you. It is, at least, what one study found from the University of Geneva and the University of Bern, where ChatGPT and other AI systems beat humans on emotional intelligence tests.

With so many people feeling lonely and struggling to get help, I can appreciate how some psychologists are using AI to help. These apps can guide people through calming exercises and give support between therapy visits. 

Tragically, AI technology has been used quickly without enough testing for mental health risks. This has helped cause at least one teen to take their own life after becoming very attached to an AI friend. Some psychologists have also seen people who were already struggling with their mental health get worse because of AI. Early studies, like one from Stanford, warn that popular AI therapy chatbots can be unfair to some mental health issues and sometimes give harmful advice to people in crisis.

People are just now starting to talk about how robots can affect our emotions, but the warning signs have been around for a while. Back in 2012, MIT professor Sherry Turkle wrote a book called Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other. She shared how, as technology grows, we start to depend on it more for emotional support.

“Technology is seductive when what it offers meets our human vulnerabilities. And as it turns out, we are very vulnerable indeed. We are lonely but fearful of intimacy. Digital connections and the sociable robot may offer the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. Our networked life allows us to hide from each other, even as we are tethered to each other. We’d rather text than talk.”

Wired for Relationship: Understanding Attachment

Attachment theory teaches us that from the moment we are born, we are wired to seek emotional connection and care. Infants depend on caregivers for survival, comfort, and security. When a baby is consistently nurtured, the message they receive is: “You are seen. You are safe. You matter.” This foundational connection literally shapes the architecture of the brain. When that bonding is disrupted, whether through neglect or inconsistency, children experience distress, confusion, and even “failure to thrive,” a condition that can be fatal if untreated.

As we grow up, we learn who we are through the people around us. Kids who are loved, cared for, and understood feel safe and good about themselves. But kids who are ignored or hurt often feel like they don’t matter and don’t feel safe. When the people they trust don’t keep them safe, they can feel worried and scared to trust others. Still, everyone wants to feel safe and known, so they look for that feeling somewhere else.

This is where social media and now AI enters the picture.

Digital Cravings: The Allure and Cost of Constant Stimulation

Social media gives kids lots of entertainment, praise, and ways to connect. The constant notifications give quick feelings of happiness, but they can also make kids hooked. This shapes how kids feel inside, not just how they spend their time.

Jonathan Haidt, in The Anxious Generation, proposes that less free play and more online approval are fueling more anxiety, sadness, and loneliness in kids. Kids learn about themselves not from real people, but from likes and comments online.

Now, AI makes this even stronger. It talks with you, understands your feelings, and remembers what you say. It doesn’t just entertain or teach, it connects and reflects who you are.

Anchored Within: The Role of the Nervous System in Emotional Balance

Self-regulation is how we calm ourselves when we feel scared or stressed. Our nervous system helps with this by checking if we are safe or in danger. When we feel upset, our body gets ready to fight, take flight, or freeze. Having a calm and caring person nearby helps us feel safe again. This is called co-regulation, and it helps kids grow strong emotionally.

Ideally, parents help their children learn to calm down. But more and more, kids and teens are turning to AI tools or apps to soothe themselves instead. These can help for a little while but don’t replace the real comfort of being with someone who cares. When we choose screens over people, we miss out on the deep feeling of being seen and cared for.

Thinking about this can feel like the jealousy someone might feel if their spouse was tempted by someone else. The stress feels similar. There is a worry that kids might spend too much time with AI and less with their family. This can be even worse for kids who don’t have a safe, loving home. For them, AI’s pull can be very strong and may cause harm.

Virtue in the Valley: How Trials Shape the Soul

The Christian life calls us into deep, sometimes messy relationships. Patience, humility, self-control, and generosity. These fruits of the Spirit are not developed in isolation. They are formed over time as we walk through difficulties, forgive offenses, and choose love again and again.  Moreover, the moral development of children and youth is shaped not only by their own experiences that build grit and resilience, but also by observing and learning from others who have faced and overcome adversity. Whether through stories of biblical, historical heroes or the everyday examples of their caregivers, these lessons help moral character take root.

Marriage, parenting, and community require sacrifice. It’s not always enjoyable to bear one another’s burdens. Sometimes, we are tempted to escape, to scroll, to check out, to avoid. Now AI offers a new escape that feels even more intimate and gratifying.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Like iron becoming sharper when rubbed together, close relationships help us grow and love more deeply. God made us for connection, not to be alone (Genesis 2:18). It feels good to know and be known. AI might help for a moment, but relying on it for emotional support can lead to shame, loneliness, and isolation in the long run.

From Intention to Identity: Building a Life That Flourishes

Behavioral psychology reminds us that habits form through repetition. What starts as a one-time decision becomes a behavior, then a routine, then part of our identity. If we consistently turn to AI for emotional connection, we begin to shape our neural and relational patterns around it.

We must ask: How do we help protect our children’s agency in an era of intelligent machines designed to mirror our needs? How do we cultivate thoughtful, embodied relationships with God and others especially when the digital world promises ease, affirmation, and control?

Toward a Thoughtful Use of AI

As parents, educators, and spiritual leaders, we understand that AI is here and we need to adopt and simply develop ethical best practices. The challenge is not only to create boundaries and monitor children’s reliance on AI as a tool in much the same way parents handle these boundaries with social media, but to restrict or postpone reliance on AI tools, especially its use as a companion. The line between tool and companion is deeply blurred, making it too risky to expose children and adolescents to so many unknowns.

We’re asking children and adolescents whose cognitive and emotional development is still in progress to exercise a level of self-control and discernment that even adults struggle with: to recognize when technology is a helpful tool and when it has become an emotional attachment, meeting a need or soothing a feeling. I urge us to err on the side of caution.

But this goes beyond instruction or information. It requires us, as parents and leaders, to embody what we hope they’ll learn. We must model empathy, healthy conflict resolution, and spiritual discernment in our daily lives. We must live out honest, life-giving relationships especially in marriage, not perfect ones, but ones that are committed to healing. Ones that intentionally seek oneness time and time again even after drifting into isolation in the seasons when it gets hard.

It means being present, truly present, with our loved ones. We must slow down enough to notice them, to meet their relational needs with our time, attention, and love. Yes, it means setting digital boundaries, but more importantly, it means choosing connection over convenience. This may look like choosing to soothe their distress, instead of just giving them a tablet to quiet their anxiety.  We offer our presence, our patience, and our play.

Helping our children learn to regulate their emotions starts with us. It requires that we first model calm, empathy, and resilience rather than outsourcing comfort to a screen, or avatar or robot. It means coaching them when they lose their temper with a sibling, listening with full attention when they’re heartbroken over high school drama, and celebrating alongside them when they’re bursting with pride over a new accomplishment. When they’re dysregulated, we step in to co-regulate, matching their energy, tuning into their emotions, and listening closely to their hearts. It means cultivating a home where spiritual disciplines are part of the rhythm of life, not as a task, but as an invitation to walk with a triune God who sees them, knows them, and loves them.

As relational beings, created in the image of a triune God who exists in a perfect relationship, our identity is not found in a mirror, an algorithm, or a chatbot but in the love of a Creator and the community He has placed around us.

Research consistently affirms what Scripture has long taught: human flourishing is rooted in healthy, loving relationships. The Flourishing Families Initiative and decades-long longitudinal studies, such as the Harvard Study of Adult Development, reveal that the greatest predictor of long-term happiness and well-being is not wealth, success, or even physical health but the quality of our close relationships. Strong, secure bonds with spouses, children, friends, and community are what make life meaningful and joyful over the long haul.

When someone says they’ve fallen in love with AI, it reveals a deep longing for connection, understanding, and to be seen without judgment. But this kind of attachment reflects a version of love that is safe, controlled, and curated, lacking the risk, vulnerability, and mutuality that define in agape love. Love is not about comfort or fantasy; it’s about sacrifice, truth, and commitment. Agape love is a selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love that seeks the highest good of others. It’s not transactional or one-sided, but rooted in a shared pursuit of what is good and holy. Agape love costs something, it involves patience, forgiveness, and being known even in our flaws. It's the love described in 1 Corinthians 13 and embodied in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. It means setting aside AI even when it affirms or elevates you in order to be fully present with your spouse and family, choosing oneness and honoring the covenant of marriage and family life above personal validation or self-interest.To confuse artificial companionship with true love is a cautionary tale of a culture drifting toward isolation, replacing messy but meaningful human relationships with simulations that require nothing of us. In doing so, we lose not only connection with others, but with the very image of love that God designed us to give and receive.

Let us not trade the slow, transformative work of real connection for the immediate comfort of artificial affirmation. Let us raise a generation that knows how to be present, how to love, how to wait and how to thrive.

3 Steps for Parents: Guiding Kids Through the Era of AI

1. Set Healthy Boundaries Between Tool and Companion

• Delay AI introduction as much as possible to ensure your child is developmentally capable to self-regulate its use.  Wait until your child is in middle school or even through high school when they have proven themselves to be able to respect and have healthy boundaries with other digital products.
• Teach kids to see AI as a tool for learning and productivity, not as a substitute for real relationships.
• Delay or limit access to AI chatbots that mimic friendship or emotional intimacy, especially for children and teens.
• Create family guidelines similar to social media boundaries: when, how, and why AI can be used.

2. Model Emotional Connection and Spiritual Discernment

• Children learn by imitation: show them what empathy, patience, and healthy conflict resolution look like.
• Be fully present—listen, play, and share spiritual practices together instead of outsourcing comfort to screens.
• Normalize real conversations at home, church, and in community, so kids don’t feel the need to turn to AI for belonging.

3. Nurture Virtue and Resilience Through Real Relationships

• Help kids grow virtues like self-control, humility, forgiveness, and generosity through family life and faith.
• Remind them that deep love (agape) requires sacrifice, vulnerability, and commitment—something AI cannot provide.
• Encourage habits that strengthen identity in God and community, anchoring their sense of worth in real, lasting connections.