Beyond the Fish: The Hard Work of Letting Go

“If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.  If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.”

— Lao Tzu

I’ve quoted that line countless times, but living it out is harder than it sounds.  I remember saying, “I’m not going to do this for you — you need to learn how to do it yourself.”  And then, five minutes later, I caved and did it anyway. We don’t overdo because people are helpless; we overdo because trust, control, insecurity, and perfection pressure are driving the wheel.

That tension, between wanting to empower others and stepping in to control the outcome, sits at the heart of leadership, parenting, and even everyday relationships. 

Because, of course, it’s not really about fish.  If we’re honest, many of us don’t just hand someone the fishing pole.  We bait the hook, cast the line, catch the fish, and serve it on a plate, because it feels faster, safer, or less frustrating than letting someone else struggle through it. The cost? Growth slows, confidence shrinks, and collaboration gets replaced by quiet resentment.

We see it all the time in Leadership:

• Insecurity:  You jump in because being the fixer is how you feel valuable. You feel anxious when you’re not the one doing.
• Perfectionism: “It’s faster if I do it,” you compare others’ work to your exact style, not the agreed outcome.
• Control: Someone brings a problem back and you take it over.
• Trust: Will it be good? Will it be on time?

When that happens, we don’t just solve problems, we unintentionally stunt growth.  We send a message that says, “I trust myself more than I trust you.”

It shows up at home and in relationships, too:   Parents redo kids’ chores because they weren’t done “right.” One partner takes charge of all the planning while the other disengages. Kids grow capable but uncertain, because someone always stepped in before they could try, fail, and learn.

Different generations view this differently: Gen X often heard, “No one’s handing you a fish, figure it out.” Millennials experienced coached collaboration. Gen Z wants the pole and the purpose, why fish at all? None of these are wrong.  None of these perspectives are wrong; they just reveal how values around independence, guidance, and collaboration evolve over time.

The Challenge of Discernment

Leadership, at work or at home, requires discernment: knowing when to step in and when to step back. If we step in every time, we teach people they can’t be trusted. If we never step in, we leave them unsafe or unsupported. The art of leadership lies in knowing the difference.  

Beneath that art lies what we rarely say out loud: letting go is hard not only because of trust, it’s hard because of insecurity. Many leaders quietly fear not being needed, being replaced, or not being “enough.” Some overfunction to prove worth. Others cling to control, confusing perfection with value. A few dim others’ light to keep their own shining. And when we feel disrespected or unheard, it’s easy to default to authority over authenticity.

Every person in the room, executive, intern, parent, teen, carries their own fears. When fear leads, collaboration dies. Homes and workplaces become tug-of-war arenas over who’s right and who gets to win this round, instead of places where people grow together.

Loosening the Grip: What It Looks Like

Doing it all yourself sends an unspoken message: You can’t handle this, and maybe I can’t handle you failing. We carry too much; others carry too little. Frustration grows on both sides. Letting go isn’t abandoning responsibility; it’s designing how learning happens. That’s where competence, confidence, and connection are built, not in control, but in collaboration.

• Parenting: Hand over the pole, even if they tangle the line or lose the bait.
• Leadership at Work: Step in when there’s a safety or ethics risk, irreversible harm/contractual exposure, or a values violation.  Coach (don’t rescue) everywhere else.
• Relationships: Stop fixing every problem. Sometimes love looks like saying, “I believe you can figure this out.”

Tip: Discernment in 10 seconds: 

• What’s the outcome we need? What needs to be done, and by when?
• What’s tugging me?  Am I jumping in from trust, control, fear, or perfection?
• What are the guardrails?  Give a clear picture of “done,” a quick halfway check, or a template, instead of doing it yourself.
• What’s the next tiny step they own? Name the smallest action they will take next.

Doing it all yourself may keep things tidy, but it keeps others small.  Sometimes, the hardest thing isn’t teaching someone how to fish.  It’s having the humility to stop casting for them, the wisdom to stand beside them, and the courage to let them find their own rhythm in the water.

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