family

When Did "Boundaries" Become "Goodbye Forever"?

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Mon, 01 Jun 2026 16:13:15 +0000

When Did "Boundaries" Become "Goodbye Forever"?

anny@familybri… Mon, 06/01/2026 - 11:13

Jun 1, 2026

I often go back and think about my caregiving season with both of my parents. The sacrifices, and long days, filled with quiet moments of doubt. I wonder sometimes: was it worth it? I'll come back to that answer.

But first, I need to address something I've been sitting with for a while. There's a growing trend where people are opting out of relationships with their parents or family members entirely, what many call "going no contact." And I'll be honest with you: I can't say I fully agree with it.

Before you fire off a strongly-worded email, hear me out. This is not a dismissal of anyone's pain. I know that some people have walked through genuinely devastating seasons at the hands of the very people who were supposed to love them. That is real, and I don't take it lightly. This is simply my perspective, shaped by my own experiences and the decisions I've had to make along the way.

My parents were not perfect people.
Not even close. But they were two people doing their very best under the weight of circumstances that would have broken many of us.

My mother was physically and verbally abused by her own father. And then, as if following a painful script she never chose, she found herself in relationship after relationship where abuse was the common thread. By the time she became a mother, my mother, she parented from a place of fear. That fear often looked like control, and like authority. But underneath it, she was trying to protect me from the same evils she had survived. In her heart, that was love.

Then there's my father, who lost his mother when he was just two years old. He grew up without that foundational warmth, carrying a quiet sense of being unwanted and rejected. Now put these two people together, and you don't exactly get a fairy tale. What you get are two survivors, whose lives were painted in colors that stained every lens through which they saw the world.

Yet they did the best they could, and I admire them for that. Because if I had chosen to see only the negative, I would have missed everything in them that was worth holding onto.

Did I go through seasons of anger? Absolutely. Did I blame them for some of my outcomes? Of course I did. But here's the thing, those were still my outcomes, born from my decisions. Blaming them was always easier than owning my part. Grace has a way of requiring something from us too.

I remember when tough love was just life.
Family was family, messy, loud, very loud, sometimes bruising, but you showed up. You fought together, laughed together, and found your way back to each other. The idea of cutting off family completely would have been unthinkable. Because even a dysfunctional family shapes you. For better and for worse, it shapes you.

And that brings me to the word I keep coming back to: grace.

I've had to ask myself hard questions about grace. Because it's easy to want it and much harder to give it. We are quick to ask for it for ourselves. We expect the people who love us to extend it generously. But somewhere along the way, offering it to others, especially to our parents with all their wounds and failures, has become something people aren't sure they owe anymore.

I think about my own children when I sit with this. I know I have not always been the best version of myself. Neither have they. But we extended grace in those seasons because love requires it, and I hope, with everything in me, that they would always do the same for me.

There is also something deeply spiritual in this for me. Scripture instructs us to honor our mothers and fathers. I believe in boundaries, real ones, healthy ones. But you can hold a boundary and still hold honor. The two are not mutually exclusive.

So here is the question I keep coming back to.
Why aren't we talking more about conflict resolution? Why, when relationships get hard, does disconnection get handed to us as the answer before we've even tried to work through it?

I wonder if part of what's driving the no-contact movement isn't just unresolved pain. I wonder if it's that no one ever taught us how to navigate conflict in the first place. And when we don't have those tools, we reach for distance. And distance, over time, can become permanent.

Look at what's happening around us. We are seeing a rise in gun violence. A rise in isolation and disconnect. Relationships, families, communities, entire generations, fracturing at the seams. It feels like a disease, infectious, and if left untreated, its end result is the slow destruction of the very relationships and unity we were designed to have.

What grieves me most is this: I believe we are fighting the wrong enemy.

I wonder if sometimes the real battle isn't with the people who hurt us, but with the unresolved pain that never got a name or a place to go. So instead of facing it, we flee from it. We cut it off, and we wonder why it doesn't feel like healing.

Because shutting the door on the thing that hurt you doesn't make it disappear. It shows up somewhere else, in your next relationship, in your parenting, in the walls around your heart that keep getting thicker. Silence doesn't heal wounds, it just relocates them. What if there was a better way?

The numbers tell a story we can't ignore.

A 2025 YouGov poll found that nearly 4 in 10 Americans no longer have a relationship with one or more immediate family members. And the trend is sharpest among the youngest generation, with 60% of Gen Z reporting they have gone no contact, compared to just 20% of baby boomers. Knowable Magazine The Week

So the question worth sitting with is: why? Because the pain is real, but I don't think pain alone explains all of it.

Part of it is cultural. We live in a world that has quietly sold us the idea that difficulty has no place in our lives. We have one-click everything. We cancel subscriptions, unfollow accounts, and mute people with a tap. Then slowly, without realizing it, we have started applying that same logic to relationships. If it's hard, opt out. If it hurts, leave. If it costs you something, you deserve better. That mindset erodes the very things healthy relationships require: resilience, perseverance, and a willingness to do the work even when it's uncomfortable. Patience, forgiveness, and compassion are not soft suggestions. They are the load-bearing walls of any lasting connection. Indrosphere

Part of it is also something deeper. I once heard someone say that so many of our relational problems trace back to one belief: that people are basically good. And if I am basically good, then I don't feel the urgency to grow or change. The problem is always the other person. And if the problem is always the other person, removing them feels like the solution. It is a lens worth considering. Because when we stop asking "what is my part in this," we stop growing. And growth requires us to push through resistance, not walk away from it.

This is why the FACE Model matters.
It is a framework we use at Family Bridges with couples, young adults, and even children to help identify conflict and actually work through it. You can learn more about that work at familybridgesusa.org. Conflict resolution is a skill, and like any skill, it has to be learned, practiced, and passed down. The FACE Model gives people language for the moments when emotion takes over and words fail.

So what does FACE actually mean?

F is for Feelings. What am I actually feeling, and why do I feel this way? Most of us have never been taught to slow down long enough to honestly answer that. We react before we reflect. But when you can name what you're feeling and trace it back to its root, you stop being controlled by it. You start to see it clearly.

A is for Assumptions. This is where it gets real. Every one of us has a story we've been telling ourselves, sometimes for years, sometimes for decades. A script on repeat that feeds the feelings. Maybe it's "I will never be good enough for them." Maybe it's "they never really loved me." Those assumptions quietly shape how we interpret every interaction, every silence, every tone of voice. Until we examine the story, we keep living inside it as if it were fact.

C is for Comeback. This is the mirror nobody wants to look into. How are the people around you responding to the way you are showing up? Is your sarcasm creating distance? Is your silence pushing people away? The comeback isn't about blame. It's about honest self-awareness, because sometimes what frustrates us most in our relationships is a direct reflection of how we've been responding to our own unresolved pain.

E is for Effect. Unresolved conflict doesn't just live in your relationships. It lives in your body, your habits, your coping. It shows up as addiction, binge watching, sulking, overeating, isolation, or an anger that seems out of proportion. The effect is the evidence that something underneath needs attention. And once you can see it for what it is, you can begin to make a different choice.

The FACE Model doesn't promise that every relationship can be fully restored. But it does offer something most of us were never given: a way to understand ourselves more honestly so that we can show up in our relationships more intentionally. That is where healing actually starts, not in the cutting off, but in the facing.

We have to push past the hard stuff in families.
We have to speak. We have to cry. We have to sit in the discomfort and face it together. Because the alternative isn't peace. The alternative is a slow hardening of the heart that isolates us from the very people we were meant to do life with.

Family, even in its most broken form, was designed for connection. For resilience, and the kind of love that fights for each other instead of away from each other.

The conversation worth having isn't about whether your pain is valid. It is. The conversation worth having is about what we do with it. It starts with refusing to let unresolved conflict have the last word.

And to answer my earlier question: was the caregiving season worth it?

Every single day of it.

by Omaira Gonzalez

Language English

Political Dialogue vs. Division at the Family Table

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Mon, 14 Oct 2024 22:21:43 +0000

Political Dialogue vs. Division at the Family Table

anny@familybri… Mon, 10/14/2024 - 17:21

Oct 14, 2024

During a contentious election season, discussing politics becomes inevitable. Despite your skill in diverting topics or coming up with excuses to sidestep family gatherings, the pressing political issues eventually demand attention. When that moment arrives, you might find yourself in a tense conversation with a parent, sibling, uncle, or cousin, potentially leading to anger, tears, or even lasting harm to your relationship. Below are some tips as you navigate these conversations.

Modes of Communication

There are three transformative modes of communication—dialogue, discussion, and debate—each offering its own unique advantages and challenges. In your interactions with family and friends, the art of dialogue reigns supreme, inviting open participation and attentive listening from a place of genuine curiosity, rather than the urge to triumph in an argument. By embracing dialogue, you nurture relationships and open doors to new insights. While debates can offer valuable perspectives, the quest to win can sometimes jeopardize connections if not handled with care.

Personality Tendencies in Political Discussion

Braver Angels offers a fascinating approach to understanding how personality types engage in political discussions. Imagine the peacekeeper, who steers clear of conflict by swiftly ending conversations, or the sniper, who fires off sharp remarks and then vanishes. Then there's the gladiator, charging at anyone with opposing views, and the defender, twisting others' words for their gain. The bystander stands aloof, completely detached from the debate, while the engager actively seeks meaningful dialogue to bridge divides. Do you relate with any of these types of approaches in responding to political conversations? If so, which type and what are some things you can work on in promoting constructive dialogue?

Dialogue Steps

Clarify: Are you truly hearing what’s being said during those intense debates? It’s easy to overestimate our listening skills, especially when passions run high. To ensure genuine understanding, aim to restate your loved one’s perspective so accurately that they exclaim, “That’s exactly right!” This shift from defensiveness to curiosity is key. Avoid the common pitfall of distorting their words to sound absurd or malicious, as this only breeds division. Instead, embrace the power of paraphrasing to bridge gaps and build meaningful connections.
Discover Common Ground: Embark on a journey to connect by finding shared values, even if it's just a tiny patch of understanding. When in a bind, lean in to the shared challenge of navigating complex issues.
Transition with Tact: Once you've truly listened to your family member and acknowledged the shared bond that unites you, gauge their openness to listen to your perspective. Emphasize the importance of verifying that the other party is genuinely interested in what you have to say—otherwise, advancing the conversation is futile. If interest is lacking, gracefully steer the conversation elsewhere.
Share Your Story: When it comes to family or loved ones, heartfelt experiences resonate. Frame your viewpoints through the lens of personal impact. Focus on how specific issues have shaped your life.
Explore a New Path: Instead of presenting your opinions, consider taking a different approach by posing thoughtful questions about the viewpoints that concern you. Adopt a humble stance with questions. The unexpected twist here is the goal isn’t to sway someone’s opinion but to reach their heart, nurture the relationship, and foster dialogue.
Own Your Mistakes: Just like mastering any craft, communication is a journey of growth and learning. Be patient with yourself and your loved ones as you explore new communication techniques. When a misstep leads to hurt feelings or defensiveness, take the courageous step to apologize. Assure them that you're on a path to becoming a more effective communicator. Remember, it's perfectly okay to pause, regroup, and return to the conversation refreshed and ready to connect.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

Language English

A Journey into Caregiving: A Reflection on Caring for My Parents

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Mon, 14 Oct 2024 20:37:01 +0000

A Journey into Caregiving: A Reflection on Caring for My Parents

anny@familybri… Mon, 10/14/2024 - 15:37

Oct 14, 2024

Throughout my life, I’ve heard many perspectives on caregiving, especially when it comes to caring for aging parents. People often say that as a parent, you spend years protecting, providing for, and nurturing your children. Over time, your relationship evolves, and eventually, your children will have families of their own to care for. Yet, there comes a season when the roles reverse, and instead of your children needing you, you find yourself needing them.

But nothing truly prepares you for becoming a caregiver. There’s no warning, no set path, and no one tells you when or how it will happen. For some, it comes in the form of caring for parents with dementia or recovering from a stroke. In my case, it’s caring for both parents simultaneously—one battling terminal cancer and the other facing chronic liver disease. As the only daughter, I have naturally assumed the responsibility of their care.

At first, caregiving feels heroic. You’re doing something noble, something meaningful for the ones you love. But soon, the reality of the situation sets in, and you realize how overwhelming the task can be. There are endless doctor’s appointments, sitting through medical consultations, managing their medications, and keeping track of medical records. Your home begins to transform, adapting to meet their needs, and every corner reminds you of the weight of responsibility.

There are moments when you manage it well, but then there are moments when it all feels too much. That’s when guilt starts to creep in. You feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed, guilty for thinking you’re not doing enough, and guilty for not having all the answers. You question whether you’ve missed something, whether you’re utilizing all the resources available. And then, there’s the loss of freedom. The simple pleasures of life—like getting your nails done or having a moment to yourself—start to fade into the background.

Caregiving, instead of feeling like a crown you wear with pride, often feels more like a thorn on your head.

But here’s what I’ve learned: once you push through the challenges and find your source of strength—mine being Jesus—you begin to understand what it means when the Bible says, "My grace is sufficient for you," and to "count it all joy." Admittedly, it’s not always easy to see the joy in caregiving, but there is joy.

In moments of quiet, when I call upon God, I find a renewed sense of strength and a shift in perspective. My empathy deepens, and caregiving no longer feels like a chore, but a privilege. I’ve come to see it as a blessing, a sacred duty to care for my parents in their time of need. No, I don’t have it all together, but I’ve grown a lot through this journey. I’ve learned to extend grace to myself, to celebrate small victories, and to avoid beating myself up over perceived shortcomings. I’ve also opened my heart to others who are walking a similar path, listening and learning from them.

Caregiving is a true test—of the heart, of physical endurance, and of mental strength. It can be thankless and exhausting, but God has been my source of strength throughout. And I believe that by modeling love, care, and gratitude for my parents, I am planting seeds of compassion in my own children, hoping that one day, they might show me the same kindness if the roles were ever reversed. It’s like casting a pebble into a pond and watching the ripples extend further than you could ever reach.

Some Tips That Have Helped Me Along This Journey:

Rest is essential. As a caregiver, make time to relax when your loved one is resting or engaged in peaceful activities.
Consider speaking with a grief counselor. They can offer useful advice on coping strategies and provide helpful resources.
Make sure to prioritize self-care. Take time to have a meal with a friend, get your hair done, or take a relaxing walk.
Spend time outdoors with your loved one. Fresh air can have a refreshing effect. Whether you're sitting on the porch or taking a walk, the change of scenery can brighten both your moods.
Engage your loved one in activities. Read together or involve them in small tasks like cooking or folding laundry so they can feel included.
Experience nature together. Bring them outside while you tend to the garden or simply sit under the sun. Exposure to fresh air and sunlight can help lift spirits.

Caregiving is not just a duty but a journey—a journey that teaches, humbles, and transforms. It may not always feel easy, but with faith, self-compassion, and the support of others, it can become a beautiful expression of love and grace.

by Omaira Gonzalez

Language English

The Role of Fathers in Shaping Lives: Lessons from Literature

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Tue, 06 Feb 2024 18:23:39 +0000

The Role of Fathers in Shaping Lives: Lessons from Literature

anny@familybri… Tue, 02/06/2024 - 12:23

Feb 6, 2024

Over the past few weeks, I have been captivated by two timeless masterpieces: John Steinbeck's East of Eden and Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird. These literary gems, brought to my attention by my high school nephew and son, have drawn me into worlds where the forces of good and evil collide. In East of Eden, the Trask and Hamilton families unknowingly reenact the biblical stories of Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel, exploring the delicate balance between free will and fate. And as you may recall from your own high school days, To Kill A Mockingbird is a poignant tale of a young girl's journey into adulthood, delving into themes of innocence, racism, and prejudice, as we witness how these opposing forces coexist within a single community and individual. The literature artfully weaves in the social and cultural challenges of the era, creating a rich tapestry of the times.

Just like the roots of a mighty tree, the stories of these classics plant lessons in your heart, sprouting and growing with each passing moment, until they demand your undivided attention. As my son teased out his book report, we enjoyed discussing the endless details of character, plot development, and contrasting themes throughout.

Despite the numerous differences between these two renowned classics, such as their respective settings in California and Alabama, one undeniable similarity that stood out was the significant portrayal of fathers in both narratives. In To Kill A Mockingbird, Atticus emerges as a formidable force shaping his children's lives. His unwavering presence serves as an anchor, consistently offering guidance and wisdom to teach his children important life lessons. He embodies the age-old adage that actions speak louder than words, remaining a steady and reliable figure in their lives. In East of Eden, we are introduced to Samuel, the vibrant and self-taught Irish patriarch of the Hamilton family. Filled with an infectious zest for life, Samuel leads his loved ones. Despite modest means, he garners the admiration and respect of the community through his impeccable character. Samuel forges a profound connection with Adam Trask, confronting him when his grief blinds him to the needs of his own sons, leaving them unnamed and neglected. Heightening the incredible gravitas of these loving and respectable fathers, the novels also present contrasting father figures. In East of Eden, Cyrus is depicted as a militant and excessively authoritarian figure. On the other hand, To Kill A Mockingbird introduces us to Robert Ewell, an immoral, addictive, and lawless father who not only abuses his own children but also mocks the local ordinances and takes advantage of government safety nets.

Both Atticus and Samuel are depicted as highly involved fathers, not only providing financial support for their families but also cultivating a thirst for knowledge, fostering a love for reading, and encouraging exploration.

Negative stereotypes about fathers are rampant in mainstream media today. In fact, one study found that in sitcoms today, dads come off looking more incompetent, immature, and self-absorbed. One of the most indestructible dad myths is that dads don’t contribute as much or aren’t as necessary as moms. Yet, nothing can be further from the truth. Fathers provide unique, important contributions to their families—contributions that should not be dismissed or devalued.

There is an overwhelming abundance of compelling evidence that illuminates the indisputable advantages of fathers actively engaging in the lives of their children (see below). It is important to acknowledge that this does not diminish or undermine the unique and powerful role that mothers play. Of course, fathers are not mothers, and they don't parent in the same way. Instead, they bring unique and invaluable contributions to their families, contributions that should never be underestimated or devalued.

My heart aches for those who have not been fortunate enough to experience the blessing and privilege of an active and present father figure in their lives or who have tragically lost their fathers at a tender age. Yet, I am encouraged by the work we do and that of many other fatherhood and family strengthening programs that are actively seeking to promote father engagement.

In 2024, how can we elevate the fathers in our families, neighborhoods and communities? Let's kick it off at home. From February 7th to 14th, we celebrate National Marriage Week, and of course, Valentine's Day reminds us to honor and cherish those we love. For those who are married and raising children, how can we uplift and empower our spouses in their important role as fathers? One way we can uplift and elevate our marriages is validating the influence we have over one one another and recognizing the value we bring to the table. In this case, the positive influence fathers can have.

Start by simply appreciating and respecting the contributions of the fathers in your midst. Do so frequently.

And if you are a father, you can aspire to do better---draw inspiration from the timeless classics mentioned above:

Instill a love for reading by sharing stories with your children,
Share the responsibilities and burdens of parenting,
Have meaningful conversations with your kids,
Actively engage in playtime,
Be present in their lives,
Provide guidance and discipline as needed,
Embrace and embody your deeply rooted beliefs and values, allowing them to authentically reflect the character and spiritual journey you strive for

As these books also beautifully illustrate the profound influence of generations, I feel compelled to share with you an excerpt from Sarah Groves' poignant lyrics in her song, Generations:

Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

fathers

family

parenting

Language English

Keeping the peace – healthy relationships during COVID-19

Sara — Fri, 14 Aug 2020 22:15:50 +0000

Keeping the peace – healthy relationships during COVID-19

Sara Fri, 08/14/2020 - 17:15

Jun 14, 2020

The coronavirus has you and your family cooped up right now. You know it’s important to be safe, but how much of each other can you really take day after day?

While it’s great to have family time, most families don’t spend this much time together. Being together 24/7 is only fun for so long. So how do you get through the day without going after each other’s throats before noon? Learn some tried-and-true methods for getting along.

The struggle is real, friends. And the COVID-19 situation will be around for a while. Make the best of your time together and take the following tips to heart.

1. Expect some friction

You can expect a little more friction with everyone being in the house all day. Everyone’s feeling stress and it’s normal, but it can get a little frustrating. You, your spouse, and your kids need to know how to handle conflict without making the situation worse.

A little extra forgiveness can go a long way. Remind yourself that nobody asked to be in this situation and assume everyone is trying their best to get along. If your disagreement gets heated, be the first to step away and take a break. Return when you can speak calmly so the issue gets resolved.

2. Put extra effort into communication

Good communication is more important now than ever in your home. Problems are everywhere and it’s easy to feel trapped. If you have bad communication habits, this is a great time to put in some extra effort and improve them. Here are a few helpful ideas:

Be honest about your personal and emotional needs. You and your spouse can do a better job supporting each other when you both share your thoughts openly.
Be intentional about disagreements. Instead of allowing tempers to flare, set aside a little time to talk through the problem.
Take turns venting to each other without interruption. Listen to understand, not to respond.

3. Stay socially connected with others

While we’re all in our homes and staying socially distant, it’s easy to feel isolated and overwhelmed. That’s why it’s so important to stay in touch with loved ones, even if you can’t be together physically. When you and your spouse feel connected to others, it takes the pressure off your relationship.

Use these ideas to reach out and stay in touch with others.

Make phone calls, send texts, or send emails.
Surprise someone with a personal card in the mail.
Take a walk while socializing on the phone.
A group video call is a great way to reconnect. Since people are often home now, you may have an easier time getting people together.

4. Make self-care a priority

Do your best to get sleep. Emotional stress can be just as tiring as physical stress. Find ways during the day to rest if you can’t sleep well all night.
Make healthy food choices. It’s OK to enjoy some snacks but try to serve balanced meals regularly. Your body will feel better with healthier foods.
Drink plenty of water. It’s easy to forget about drinking water until you’re thirsty. Keep ahead of it by filling a pitcher of drinking water and challenging yourself to drink it all day. Your body can become dehydrated before you realize the problem.
Find some peace and quiet. Everyone needs alone time and having a full house all day can make that a challenge. Work with your spouse so you can each count on some alone time at least a few times each day.

5. Be extra forgiving and show empathy

Not everyone in your house may handle the current social restrictions well every day. Everyone needs a little extra forgiveness and empathy right now. Home school and work-from-home arrangements can be challenging. Also, anyone with a current or emerging mental health issue may feel worse.

Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and really listen when they talk about their concerns. Ask what you can do to help, then take a turn sharing with them. Practice empathy with your children as well. Encourage them to talk about their concerns and how they are adjusting.

6. Practice gratitude

Practice gratitude every day to keep your spirits up. Doing this doesn’t discount the seriousness of the situation. It allows you to remember all the positives in your life, despite the changes you’re facing.

Our brains latch on to whatever we spend a lot of time with. We see what we look for. Train your brain to look for more positive things around you and remember everything that is still good in the world.

7. Get creative with couple time

You and your spouse still need couple time, pandemic or otherwise. You’ll need to get creative to stay safe and have fun, but it can be done. You may or may not have privacy with kids in the house, but the idea is to plan something together. For any suggestions outside your home, please keep your local restrictions and requirements in mind. Keep the spark alive!

Inside the house:

Have a movie marathon with favorite movie treats
Play a board game or card game.
Be affectionate even if it’s just for a few minutes
Cook a meal together when it’s just the two of you.

Outside the house:

Drive around the neighborhood or near a park.
Some areas have local outdoor attractions that can be enjoyed while staying in your vehicle like a cruise night, town parade, or a nature center.
Take an evening walk.
Have a picnic in your backyard.

8. Remind yourself this situation isn’t normal

We’ve been living in a strange world for a while and many things have changed. Change is hard work and it takes a lot of mental and physical energy. We could still be in for several ups and downs before things level off.

Some people may never quite get used to the new normal. Even when it feels like Day 1,296 under social restriction, we’re all still adjusting. Give yourself a break every day.

Keep More Family Peace at Home

You and your family members are going to spend a lot of time together for a while. Sometimes you’ll love it, and other times you’ll hate it. Through it all, you can help your family find some peace in the chaos.

——

For more tips on relationships, follow Family Bridges on social media @familybridges

by Erika Krull

COVID-19

family

relationships

Language English

Tales from the melting pot

savannah — Wed, 25 Sep 2019 11:27:09 +0000

Tales from the melting pot

savannah Wed, 09/25/2019 - 06:27

Sep 25, 2019

Hybrid Culture

By: Ashley Reed-Simpson

My dad grew up in New Jersey. My mom grew up in the Dominican Republic. They both moved to Florida when they were in their late teens, met, married, and had three children. Like many other kids in the melting pot of South Florida, I grew up in a “hybrid culture,” that combined elements of my dad’s upbringing with that of my mom’s.

What did this intertwined culture look like daily? It was eating a warm bowl of sancocho with sliced avocado after church on a Sunday afternoon while watching the football game with my dad. It was learning how to cook rice on a stovetop pan. (And not buying a rice cooker until I moved out and realizing that I could only cook rice in my family’s decades-old “rice pot.” (Any other pot would lead to burned rice!). It looked like dressing up for every event that we attended “as a family” - casually dressing was for home and exercise, nothing else.

How did this upbringing influence me today? While not fluent in Spanish, I am proficient enough to help out when I see that a native Spanish-speaker is having difficulty communicating with a sales clerk. Athleisure is a clothing style that I reserve for when I am at home or exercising. I prefer to be “put together” when I go anywhere else. A prime example is the annoyance I feel at those who go to the theatre in hoodies and jeans. Put in some effort! Also, my home is not “really clean” until every surface has been wiped down and the floors smell like Pine-Sol. De-cluttered does not mean clean!

As I’ve grown older, I’ve met more people like me from mixed cultural backgrounds who share the strange predicament of not fully belonging to either culture that raised us. We can cook our parent’s ethnic food, but we are not proficient in the language. We grew up assimilated to American culture, but with strong influence from one parent’s “mother” culture. Some of the things that we see our “All American” peers do leave us slack-jawed (i.e., talking back to parents without receiving a swift slap with a chancleta). Don’t get me wrong; I am proud of my upbringing, and the values that came along with it. I feel like those of us who grew up in a “hybrid household” are shown a different worldview than those from homogenous homes. And in turn, make us more empathetic and open-minded.

Do you speak Spanish?

By: Kristina Reed

“Do you speak Spanish?” a. Yes b. No c. It’s complicated

On the surface, this is a simple yes or no question that should require little thought to answer. However, for most of my life, my answer has been far from simple. I want to apologize to those poor souls who were trying to make small talk when they asked, only to endure an inevitably long-winded presentation of my family history and upbringing.

You see, a few decades ago, my Dominican mom and American dad made three ethnically ambiguous kids and raised us at the intersection of two cultures. This fusion of cultures means that I associate both mac and cheese and plátanos maduros (sweet plantains) with my childhood. I listened to stories about my American grandpa’s military service, as well as stories of relatives who suspiciously went missing during Trujillo’s dictatorship in the D.R. I jammed to Buddy Holly with my dad and belted out José José with my mom. When it’s time to leave the house for an event, my dad is ready to go at least 30 minutes before. My mom runs on what we like to call “Latino time,” which, when translated, means being a little more than fashionably late. I most certainly inherited my mom’s concept of time. Sorry, dad!

Growing up, my siblings and I were proficient in Spanglish. We referred to sandals as chancletas, gossip as chisme, and our aunts as tias. Of course, we could name any Dominican dish put in front of us. Talk to us in Spanish? We usually understood. Expect us to reply in Spanish? Hmmm, that depended on the day. Expect us to respond in grammatically correct, confident Spanish with no accent? No can do. While I did eventually reach a conversational level of fluency, it took YEARS of practicing and mostly fighting the deep insecurity of sounding dumb. All this effort opened the doors to friendships that otherwise would have been impossible and even stories about my family I had never known. That said, I don’t feel “more Dominican” or even “more Latina.” I never felt like I was on the outside looking in. I was raised by the most incredible family that always made you feel loved and included (even after roasting you in Spanish from the other room).

I was the beneficiary of “the best of both worlds,” so to speak. I watched my parents navigate their differences and learned the value of compromise from a young age. I saw how important it is to be intentional and always resolve conflict before sundown. Most importantly, I learned that when someone loves you the way my family loves each other, it doesn’t matter which language they use to express it.

Coffee and Family

By: Erin Simula

Everyone who knows me knows how much I love my coffee. And not just in an “I need it to stay awake and alive” kind of way. I love the aroma it sends through a living space and how it draws people to one room. It’s the start of many of my friendships since it’s easy to say, “Hey, you wanna go out for coffee sometime?” Or “do you want to come to my place? I can make a pot of coffee, and we can finish our conversation.” But like a home-cooked meal with your mom’s recipe or being back at your parents after moving away, it brings me back to my childhood.

My dad is American and grew up in North Carolina. My mom is Dominican and moved to the United States when she was 15 years old with her parents and five sisters. Her and two of her sisters lived only a few houses apart from each other. So I would say I heard a lot of Spanish growing up. I never learned to speak it, but it’s funny to me that when I’m in a room full of Spanish speakers, I feel right at home. I learned enough vocabulary to kind of get it, but don’t ask me to translate. If I close my eyes and reminisce about my childhood, I can so clearly remember my mom and all her sisters all in one room, laughing so much in all high pitched voices, reiterating whatever was funny in different ways louder and louder making the joke funnier and funnier. The joy was so contagious you couldn’t help but laugh yourself. My cousins and I had no idea what they were laughing at because it was all in Spanish. But it still filled the room with joy, and that’s a memory I will never forget.

Along with all the laughter in the air was that aroma of coffee. Not everyone in my family drinks coffee. But most of them do, and so does my Abuela. I started regularly drinking it when I was in high school, and I would usually be the one to make it when my Abuela came over. For some reason, she loved the way I would make it even though her coffee is the best. When I was around five years old, I remember my Abuela pouring me a tiny little cup of it with mostly sugar. (I blame her for my “addiction” today.) But my Abuelo, who passed away six years ago, would always make sure I had a fresh slice of bread and butter to dip into it. I remember him smiling sweetly at me and saying, “Cafe con Paaaannn.” Stressing the “con pan” part, winking, and then walking away to continue watching his baseball game.

I will always remember how excited I was the few days Abuelo picked me up from elementary school. And although one might think it would be an awkward car ride home, He managed to make me laugh and muster up the few English words he knew to have small conversations with me. So even though we didn’t speak the same language, I knew that he loved me and cherished moments with me too.

So for me, growing up with an American dad and a Dominican mom was a blessing. It taught me that you could be from a different country, have different color skin tones, have a different culture and still love the people around you with all your heart, grow and learn from everyone, and have a room full of laughter and love no matter what language you speak. So even after you put sugar and cream in it, and if the beans come from different places around the world, and even if it comes from a French press or a Moka Pot, at the end of the day, it’s still coffee. To many people, it brings comfort and a little happiness to the day. For me, it reminds me of my childhood. And I will cherish that forever.

culture

diversity

family

Language English

Marrying into a Latin Family

savannah — Tue, 17 Sep 2019 10:21:04 +0000

Marrying into a Latin Family

savannah Tue, 09/17/2019 - 05:21

Sep 17, 2019

By Greg Fleming

So my nephew asked me to write a blog post for Family Bridges about marrying into a Latino family.

I’m not sure where to begin with an assignment like that. It almost seems to beg me to invoke some politically incorrect stereotypes about Latinos and Gringos. I suppose the desired effect is a lightly humorous pastry of a fluff piece sprinkled with anecdotes that might remind the reader of an episode of “Modern Family,” injected with some sort of jelly filling extolling the virtues of humble Latino family values over soulless American greed and isolationism.

Having said that, I suppose it isn’t terribly far from my experience. I have been making some attempts recently to understand why my three kids seem so much more well adjusted than I was (or am). My 23-year-old daughter has been happily married and living far away in Chicago (I’m in South Florida) for several years now, and she never really did exhibit much of the drama that popular culture has conditioned us to expect from teenage girls. My boys (currently 15, and 12), are also already old enough for me to realize that they lack in certain rebellious and/or resentful attitudes toward me and my generation that most of my peers and I exhibited at that age toward our parents and teachers.

Although I have developed an instinctual aversion to sweeping generalizations and easy answers to complex questions, I have been toying with the notion that some of the difference may involve the general paradigm of discipline I received growing up versus the way my kids are being reared. My recollection of my own upbringing is that it involved a pattern of rewards and punishments. My parents made a fairly consistent effort to communicate what was expected of me at any given age, and what I could expect in return in the form of consequences for fulfilling or failing to fulfill those expectations.

It wasn’t the kind of harsh humorless militant discipline we often see in movies where upper-class parents mercilessly push their toddlers to high levels of achievement so they can earn a place at the most prestigious preparatory schools. We were too low of a tax bracket for that. But the behavior/consequence paradigm was always present. As far as I can tell, this was the way most of my peers were being raised as well. I suppose every approach has its benefits and drawbacks, and I certainly can’t say this one was necessarily all bad. I don’t know how much of it my parents’ generation received from their own parents, and how much came from the emergence of popular parenting psychology in the ’60s and ’70s, such as Doctor Spock and his ilk (not to be confused with Mr. Spock the Star Trek character). I guess, in the end, it felt a little too much to me like a negotiation. Although it probably wasn’t intended to, from the child’s point of view it can seem like all these rules are designed to protect the parent’s interests, ensuring that the child doesn’t overly inconvenience them.

Whether as a result of this or due to some other pattern of genetic or environmental influences on my life, I emerged into adulthood without a particularly strong sense of identity or purpose and found myself without much of an idea how to live my life, much less raise my own kids. So my approach to life and to child-rearing has been to keep my head down and avoid any more involvement than is strictly necessary, with a view toward minimizing the damage to myself, my kids and to others around me. This means that I have generally deferred to my Latina wife for the most part when it comes to raising the kids.

Bear in mind; I am not recommending this as a strategy for fatherhood (or life). I wish I could say I was the kind of dad who shares his interests and activities with his kids and teaches them lots of life lessons in the process, but I never really developed many interests and hadn’t really learned many of those life lessons myself. Perhaps this is one of the unpleasant side effects of the prevalence of television and other entertainment media in our lives. Too many of us have become spectators in our own lives rather than participants.

Looking back, it seems like my wife managed to raise the kids without resorting to very much in terms of rewards or punishments. We’ve never “grounded” any of the kids, nor have they ever done any of the things that I had done in my youth which might have merited such discipline. Needless to say, corporal punishment hasn’t been necessary, beyond a smack on the wrist when they were very small to discourage them from reaching out to hot stoves and the like. Maybe we’ve just been lucky, but I think it has a lot to do with the way she loves the kids. I grew up thinking of love as a way someone feels about someone else, or perhaps a level of desire for their well being. But for my wife, it seems to be more of a transitive verb; it’s something she does to them and for them.

I’m not sure words are capable of articulating such things clearly. It never ceases to astound me how much meaning people expect to be able to encapsulate and communicate through a string of multi-syllabic utterances. But I think the way my wife loves the kids has something to do with being constantly mindful of what they are experiencing and feeling. It involves a lot of listening and frequent/constant interaction and providing them a consistently calm and comforting presence in which to express themselves. They do learn about actions and consequences in the process, not because we’re laying out a structured list for them, but because she is gently guiding them as they encounter the consequences of their actions in their daily lives.

Returning to the intended theme of this post, I suppose some of that parenting magic may be a part of her Latino culture. She would certainly give a lot of credit to her faith as well. My wife’s own close connections with her sisters and their families have provided another benefit for my kids which I lacked, which is a sense of a broader yet still closely-knit extended family. I would speculate these benefits aren’t necessarily more prevalent in Latino culture as opposed to other cultures in the world, but perhaps that they are less prevalent in American culture today. Perhaps most other cultures are just a generation or two behind the USA on the path to cultural destruction. For my part, it has been some comfort to step back from the cliff a bit and at least get to see my kids experience some values of an older culture which perhaps we have been losing sight of in ours.

culture

family

marriage

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Two Worlds, One Family: Raising Children to be Culturally Aware

savannah — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 09:04:53 +0000

Two Worlds, One Family: Raising Children to be Culturally Aware

savannah Mon, 09/09/2019 - 04:04

Sep 9, 2019

Before we got married, my husband and I were aware of our differences. I don’t remember us having in-depth conversations about what our cultural backgrounds would mean when raising children. You see, I’m Filipino American and what some might refer to as a “1.5 generation immigrant.” At the age of four, I left my native country, the Philippines, and joined my parents, who had immigrated to the U.S. before me. The first few years meant adapting to a different culture and learning English.

My husband, on the other hand, was born and raised in Chicago and part of several generations of African Americans. (A man for all seasons, I would say, but his story would be a blog in itself.) What attracted me, besides his deep spiritual roots, was his thoughtfulness and courage. When we realized we desired a future together, he asked me what I thought needed to happen next (i.e., what was acceptable in my culture). Well, this led him to visit my family in California and ask my dad for permission to marry me one day.

A little over a year into our marriage, we were blessed to have our daughter Zoe, followed by our son Emmanuel almost six years later. Like most parents, we soon found ourselves busy (and sometimes overwhelmed) with the responsibilities and demands of work, school, and day-to-day household chores.

We could not ignore the fact that because of our children’s bicultural makeup, it would be an essential part of their identity. Knowing things about both the cultures of their parents is a part of who they are.

Amidst other competing priorities, how do we raise our children to be culturally aware of their roots? We have come to realize that we do not need to wait for formal training or a how-to book on how to teach our children something about their bicultural origins. We take advantage of opportunities to raise our children to be culturally aware. Opportunities that come through ordinary happenings. We try to recognize and seize those moments. Allow me to share some ideas. Whether you come from a single culture or you are a cultural blend of many, perhaps some of these might resonate with you.

Food

When my husband discovered that Filipinos sometimes have dishes containing multiple starches, it shocked him. “What?! A dish with rice and potatoes?” he’d exclaim. “Sure, why not?” I’d reply. Growing up, I could eat spaghetti with rice at the same time. Or, for a more authentic Filipino dish, it might be pancit (a rice noodle dish) with rice on the side. (You guessed it. Rice is a staple to Filipino cuisine.)

My husband, however, grew up learning to eat just one starch at a time. Nonetheless, he just grinned and tried to enjoy it anyway. Just last month we visited a Filipino mega-store/supermarket and enjoyed some dishes from my culture. And this past weekend, we celebrated the birthday of a relative on my husband’s side of the family and had some delicious soul food.

Throughout the years, our children have had a taste of both worlds. This experience has opened doors for us to connect with our cultures and share with them our experiences growing up as African American and Filipino American. We make an effort to identify our various ethnic foods when we serve it to our children. As the hunger for more food wets their appetites, it also increases their curiosity to know more about their cultures.

Clothing

From my husband’s African roots come a dashiki shirt and a kufi cap. Which he has worn and which the kids have seen worn by other African Americans at our church. From this, we have had conversations about the varied African countries and even about the painful history of African Americans through slavery.

From my Filipino roots comes the barong tagalog, an embroidered shirt for men that is common attire in the Filipino culture and influenced by the Spanish colonial era. My husband does not have a barong Tagalog yet, but he has a shirt with a similar look. It also resembles the guayabera shirt that is popular in Latin American communities. This coincidence is not too surprising, given the Spanish influence in the Philippines.

Not long ago, my daughter received a package from my sister containing clothing with the word pinay, which means a woman of Filipino origins. This package sparked a conversation about Tagalog (the Filipino language) and how similar it is to Spanish. Clothing can serve as a segway to interesting conversations and a part of raising children to be culturally aware of who they are. In our situation, it may reveal a connection to other cultures and even a painful past. Regardless, teaching moments have begun with some clothing, and the conversations still have not worn thin.

Family

Family plays a huge role in raising children to be culturally aware of who they are. Our children have been blessed to enjoy the company of family from both our cultures. My mother-in-law passed away a few years ago. Luckily, our children were fortunate to spend time with her when we visited “Grandmommy” on the south side of Chicago. The children heard stories of her experiences growing up as the eldest of nine, and they learned more about their African American roots through family pictures.

Our children have also enjoyed the company of their Filipino grandparents, my parents, who they call “Lolo” (Grandpa) and “Lola” (Grandma), making almost yearly visits to them in California. Not long ago, we explored the island of Maui together, which also led to talking about our cultural roots. Some have lost the old-fashioned idea that families marry families. In our case, it still holds.

Families, on both sides, have been an important part of raising our children and have strengthened their bicultural identity. There is still so much more to share, but I’ll leave you with this quote from an unknown source: “The beauty of the world lies in the diversity of its people.”

What are your thoughts about raising children to be culturally aware of who they are? I’d love to hear your comments!

by Juvy B. Radford, MPH

culture

family

parenting

Language English

Never a Dull Moment

Sara — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 06:00:55 +0000

Never a Dull MomentSara Fri, 07/19/2019 - 01:00

Jul 19, 2019

By José-Andrés Alegría

Family is everything, especially on 31st Road. Growing up, I could take a two-minute walk down the street to find someone to help escape the clutches of boredom. My mom and two of her sisters all decided to buy houses on the same street. They also happened to all have kids around the same time. So you can’t even begin to imagine, to the dismay of the neighbors, the shenanigans and mischief my cousins and I got ourselves into growing up. But the one thing I want to make clear is that my cousins, although they are technically extended family, are more like siblings to me. We have always been close and will always be close. We scattered in every direction. A few of us in Chicago, some in California, a couple in Florida, and the rest in Tennessee, but we all make sure that we know what's going on in our lives. And when we get together, there is never a dull moment. I mean, what trumps family? My favorite vacations always involve family. Thanksgiving in California when we visited my oldest sister while she was pregnant with her second kid. Going to the Dominican Republic for Abuelita’s 100th birthday party. Visiting family in Chicago as a kid and being taken to all the cool spots in the city. But the greatest of all these hits was Christmas 2012. It takes a lot of planning and mental fortitude to get my mom and her five sisters (The Sisters) and their families in one place. Everyone is always busy. Life can get crazy like that, but this year everyone was on a mission. My Abuelo was sick, and we were scared that this was his last Christmas. The Sisters wanted to make this one as memorable as possible. And they did just that. On some mountain in Tennessee, (Maybe it was a really big hill. What do I know? I’m from Florida.) in the middle of winter, we crammed all 27 of us into this magical cabin. I remember being worried that I wouldn’t be able to have any fun with my cousin. I had torn my ACL, and when this vacation was over I was getting surgery. But then I remembered that my family, although they enjoy adventure and fun, is a group of bums who like to sit on a super comfy couch and do absolutely nothing. It’s awesome. Also, it was waaaaay too cold to go outside. (Again, I’m from Florida. The second it hits 65 degrees the whole state is in jackets and sweats.) Locked in a cabin with family and no end in sight? To some, this sounds like an especially evil version of hell. But we filled the time with board games, catching up, and food. There was enough food to feed a small army. There was never a dull moment. Someone was always telling a story. Stories that we all have heard a million times but were still funny nonetheless. Like the time I got hit by a car. And finding out later, that it was my oldest sister who was driving the car. Or the time my dad decided he didn’t want to take me to the hospital. So instead he took my cast off himself...with a chainsaw. (Child Services if you are reading this, please disregard the previous statement). Or any of the other crazy stories my family has in their back pocket. Like every big group, my family has its cliques. The Sisters consists of my mom and her sisters, and they talk about family chisme. It's usually about some cousin or aunt that I didn’t even know existed. The White Uncles gathered in a corner, fend for themselves in a sea of melanin. The Latin Uncles get together, and either brood in a corner (cause they have some past trauma from a world us 2nd generation kids would never understand) or they talk about the Bible and Church for hours. Then you have the Big Kids, which is where I fall. We are the first group of kids that popped out. There are seven of us. Then there are the Little Kids, at the time they were six strong, but some new ones have popped up over the years. The groups mingle and mesh. But since there are so many of us, there is usually always someone in the kitchen cooking. Which means there is at least one group in the kitchen. And there is, at any given time, at least five different conversations going on. And this is where my family is weird, we all, for some reason, cram into one room. Oh, there’s a group in the kitchen? Well, you can bet that everyone is going to make their way into the kitchen. There's a table for six? We can fit 10 more people on the table. Who needs elbow room? But what made this Christmas memorable? It was a chance for all of us to see my Abuelo’s legacy. On top of all that he did in his life, I like to think that his greatest achievement was us. The family he loved, and that loved him. This vacation wasn’t just a destination that we went to and explored. It wasn’t about sight-seeing. It was about drinking hot chocolate in a room filled with people that you love. It was about reminiscing the good times and laughing at all the embarrassing dirt we have on each other. It was a vacation, sure. But more than anything, it was a reminder that family, my family, is never dull. And without them, I don’t know where I would be today. And for that, I will always be grateful. For more tips on relationships, follow Family Bridges on social media @familybridges ----- Jose-Andres Alegria is an intern at Family Bridges who does whatever the boss tells him to do, but if he can’t be found it usually means that his face is buried in a book somewhere or that he is taking a nap and you should come back later when he’s not “busy”. Follow him on… Twitter: @No_Way_Jose11

family

life

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4 Tips to a Peaceful Family Vacation

Sara — Wed, 26 Jun 2019 10:15:22 +0000

4 Tips to a Peaceful Family Vacation

Sara Wed, 06/26/2019 - 05:15

Jul 19, 2021

Family vacations are great for several reasons. The number reason though, is that they help us form bonds and strengthen relationships with our loved ones like few things can. In a world where so many things demand our attention, a time and place dedicated to strengthening those bonds are priceless and necessary.

As parents, we must collect our children. Vacations give us the ability to reassume our roles as the mentors and nurturers of our kids. They allow us to get into our children’s spaces in a friendly way.

As love partners, we must also collect the attention of our lovers. Vacations allow us to rekindle the love we feel for our partner away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Vacations allow us to make our families a priority. But peaceful vacations don’t just happen. They must be planned, as logistics and emotions can play a big part in their success or failure.

Four years ago, my family went to the Dominican Republic. When we arrived at the second location on our itinerary, our hotel had lost our reservation and my husband, a strict organizer, got so distraught that it took him almost six hours to compose himself before relaxing enough to enjoy the rest of the trip.

When things go wrong, our attitudes suffer, and as a result, our vacation can turn to chaos. Here are a few tips to keep your vacation stress-free and peaceful.

Plan Ahead

The first rule for a peaceful family vacation is to plan ahead. If possible, decide where you are going and pay for things ahead of time. One year we went to the UP in Michigan, I paid for our hotel accommodations, plane tickets and car rentals beforehand. I also planned all of our hiking trips way ahead of time. It was great not to have to worry about upcoming credit card bills, which can easily ruin one’s vacation. Since nature is so pure in that part of the U.S., it was a relief to be able to choose activities that the whole family could enjoy without having to spend a fortune.

Make Sacrifices

Secondly, you must be willing to make sacrifices. You need to enjoy your time together and shut up about the inconveniences or the things that may scare you or bother you. I hate water activities because the ocean makes me nauseous. But while on an extended family vacation, I went kayaking with my sister despite my reservations, and enjoyed the experience even though my first instinct was to stay on the shore under an umbrella. I may or may not have had to throw up the minute we got back to the beach, but I will never forget the experience, and how much closer and connected I felt to my sibling.

Save on Food

Third, if you are not traveling on an RV of sorts, try to book a place that has a kitchen. Most children need to eat three meals a day, and trying to coordinate all that eating and paying for it can be highly stressful. But if you can eat in at least two simple meals and leave the eating out for only one time a day, you will not only save money but also reduce the amount of stress eating out can cause.

Take Time to Relax

Lastly, if you want a peaceful vacation, don’t overbook your schedule. Doing something every second of the day is not good for the introverts in the group or the very young ones. Plan some downtime, where everyone can just relax, read, play cards or nap. That downtime will recharge you to keep going and minimize the complaints of crabby children and whiny adults. It’s highly unlikely that you will travel as a family and not get on each other’s nerves at least once. But many of our annoyances are the result of poor planning.

Learn ways to take steps beforehand to minimize those annoyances, and you will create precious memories that your family won’t soon forget, but even more importantly, you will strengthen the family bonds, and that’s priceless.

by Eva Fleming

family

Summer

vacation

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