couples

The Power of a Present Spouse

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Tue, 24 Feb 2026 22:55:40 +0000

The Power of a Present Spouse

anny@familybri… Tue, 02/24/2026 - 16:55

Feb 24, 2026

Years ago, my husband and I went on one of our adventures, river rafting. What began as a peaceful float quickly turned into chaos as the current pushed us side to side. In an instant, our raft collided with another, and we were thrown into the river.

I remember hitting the bottom, the raft hovering above me, blocking my way up. For a moment, panic set in as I wondered how I would reach the surface. Then the raft shifted, and I was able to push myself upward. When my head finally broke above the water, the current swept me, and I could not catch my breath. I was scared and disoriented.

Then suddenly, I felt someone grab me.

When I looked up, my husband was holding onto a rock, waiting for me. He knew I would be shaken. He looked at me and said words I have never forgotten, “Hold on. We will go down together.”

And we did.

The river was still strong. The situation was still chaotic. But the moment I was no longer alone, the fear felt lighter.

That memory has stayed with me, because marriage in challenging seasons often feels like that river.

Life does not always slow gently. Sometimes it shifts suddenly. Plans pause. Control feels limited, and all we can do is move forward with what is in front of us.

Seasons like this feel less like stillness and more like being carried by a strong current. You are moving, but not always in the direction you expected. Life continues around you while your pace adjusts, and the tension between responsibility and longing becomes very real.

I have shared openly about my journey as a caregiver. It has required emotional endurance, sacrifice, and a reordering of time, energy, and priorities. Much of my attention has been poured into caring for someone else while personal rhythms quietly shifted.

While caregiving is my current reality, your challenge may look different. It may be health concerns, financial strain, parenting demands, ministry pressures, or uncertainty about the future. The circumstances may differ, but the principle remains the same. In heavy seasons, one factor can either increase the weight or help carry it with grace: the presence of a spouse.

The Power of Presence in Hard Seasons

Hard seasons are already heavy. When support is absent, the burden feels lonely. When support is present, the same burden becomes shared.

My husband has been a pillar in this chapter, not because everything is easy, but because he understands the weight of it and chooses to lean in rather than pull away. He shows up in the tired days, the emotional moments, and the unpredictable rhythms.

His presence has not removed the difficulty, but it has brought stability, peace, and emotional covering.

What True Presence Actually Looks Like

Presence is more than being physically nearby. It is emotional and spiritual engagement.

It is attentive listening, humble support, shared responsibility, patient grace, and spiritual encouragement. At its core, presence communicates one powerful truth: you are not alone in this.

And just like in that river, the current may still be strong, but fear loses its grip when you know someone is holding on with you.

What Absence Can Quietly Create

Absence, on the other hand, is not always physical. A spouse can be present in the room yet distant in posture.

It may appear as emotional withdrawal, silence, minimizing the situation, or passive disengagement. Over time, internal feelings begin to shape external behavior.

When someone feels unseen, irritability can surface. When they feel unsupported, resentment may grow. When they feel overwhelmed for too long, those internal pressures can emerge as withdrawal, sharp words, or emotional shutdown. Not because of lack of love, but because the weight feels lonely and unacknowledged.

Support does not remove the difficulty, but it prevents isolation within it.

When External Pressure Tests the Marriage

Every marriage already requires commitment, communication, grace, patience, and compromise. Now add an external circumstance that is not caused by the marriage, yet deeply affects it.

Time becomes limited. Energy is drained. Emotional capacity stretches thin. Priorities shift toward what feels most urgent. This creates a quiet strain on connection.

You may be pouring into a situation all day while still trying to nurture your relationship. If not handled intentionally, external stress can slowly create internal distance through fatigue, miscommunication, and unmet emotional needs.

A Faith-Centered Shift in Perspective

In difficult seasons, two anchors become essential: intentional communication and shared faith.

When couples stop listening and seeking understanding, assumptions, and frustration begin to fill the space. But when a marriage is anchored in God’s Word, the mindset shifts from “your burden” or “my struggle” to “our journey.”

Instead of asking, Why is this happening to us, the question becomes, How do we walk through this together with grace, trusting that God is present with us?

Scripture calls us to carry one another’s burdens. In marriage, this is lived out through shared responsibility, emotional support, patience, and unity in faith.

Practical Ways to Be a Present Spouse in Hard Seasons

Name the season together: Say out loud what you are facing so it becomes a shared reality rather than a silent burden.
Ask one simple question daily: “What is one way I can support you today?” keeps presence intentional instead of assumed.
Stay emotionally engaged, not just physically present: Listening, checking in, and showing empathy often matter more than fixing the situation.
Adjust expectations for the season: Hard seasons require flexibility, grace, and a willingness to carry more when needed.
Pray together, even briefly: Shared prayer shifts the posture from pressure to partnership and reminds both spouses that God is present in the process.

Supported or Strained Within the Same Season

In difficult seasons emotional capacities are stretched thin, and without intentional grace and understanding, the strain can quietly affect unity and connection within a marriage.

I have learned that support in marriage is rarely about grand gestures. It is quiet consistency, daily presence, extended grace, and choosing partnership over isolation.

The river may still be strong. The season may still be difficult. But when a spouse says, “Hold on, we will go through this together,” the weight feels lighter, not because the storm disappears, but because you are no longer facing it alone.

The river did not get calmer. I just was no longer facing it alone.

by Omaira Gonzalez

Language English

Navigating the Hidden Traps: 5 Common Relationship Pitfalls and How to Sidestep Them for Lasting Connection

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Thu, 22 Jan 2026 17:55:09 +0000

Navigating the Hidden Traps: 5 Common Relationship Pitfalls and How to Sidestep Them for Lasting Connection

anny@familybri… Thu, 01/22/2026 - 11:55

Jan 22, 2026

One of the drawbacks of living in Chicago is the potholes. When I first moved here more than twenty years ago from Florida, where the roads are smooth and winters don’t exist, the cracked pavement and brutal cold were a stark reminder of what I had left behind. Back then, the potholes felt unpredictable, lurking in the most unexpected places. Blown tires and emergency air stops weren’t just inconveniences; they became a regular part of life.

Over the years, something changed. You begin to recognize where the potholes are. You grow more aware of the ones near your neighborhood and along your usual routes. And with that awareness, you learn to navigate differently. You slow down. You plan ahead. You avoid what you can so the drive is smoother and less costly.

Relationships are a lot like roads filled with potholes. When you’re aware of the hazards, you can prepare for them. You can avoid many altogether. But when you’re unaware—or dismissive—you’re far more likely to fall into common pitfalls that can damage trust, connection, and intimacy.

Becoming aware of these relational pitfalls can dramatically change how you navigate your marriage and close relationships.

As a clinical psychologist, I’ve spent countless hours walking alongside couples in crisis through private counseling sessions, workshops, retreats, and conferences, I’ve had the privilege of working with couples from richly diverse cultural backgrounds. What I’ve witnessed over time aligns closely with what research consistently shows. But these principles aren’t just theories I’ve read about or observed in others; I’ve also seen them unfold across my own twenty-eight years of marriage.

In the following article, I will highlight five common pitfalls couples encounter, along with practical strategies to help prevent them from sabotaging our relationships and to show how, with intention, they can actually become opportunities to strengthen the covenant.

Pitfall 1: The Silent Relationship Killer: It’s not what we say, it's what we can’t see.

Most couples don’t fail because they don’t talk. They fail because they don’t recognize the emotional habits they’ve formed. The real danger isn’t poor communication, it’s relational blind spots. The main issue is the destructive cycle couples fall into without realizing it. Each partner reacts in ways that make sense to them but unintentionally trigger the other. That reaction sparks a counter-reaction, and before long, both are locked into a dance neither remembers choosing.

These cycles often manifest as criticism met with defensiveness, emotional bids met with stonewalling, disappointment that hardens into contempt. According to John Gottman’s decades of research, these patterns are highly predictive of relational breakdown, not because couples are malicious, but because they are unaware.

Until couples can see the pattern, they will keep fighting the person instead of the cycle.

Most destructive cycles don’t start with big fights. They start with small cues: words, tones, facial expressions, or behaviors that activate old wounds, assumptions, and defenses.

An example of how this plays out is as follows:

One criticizes → the other defends → first escalates → second stonewalls

A criticism can sound like:

“I shouldn’t have to ask.”

“Here we go again…”

“You always” or “You never”

These trigger defensiveness or motivate the partner to shut down.

The trigger is rarely the real issue. It’s the alarm it sets off inside the relationship.

Abandonment or Rejection triggers sound like:

“Do whatever you want.”

“I’m done talking.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Forget it.”

These often trigger pursuing, panic, anger, or emotional flooding.

A few years ago, during COVID, my husband and I went through a particularly difficult season. Our teenage son developed a Candida infection after taking antibiotics for what began as a flu-related cold sore. His treatment required an extremely strict diet: no sugar and virtually no carbohydrates. For months, food planning became exhausting, emotional, and high-stakes.

About seven or eight months into this routine, I decided to try something new and searched for creative recipes to bring some variety back to our meals. A few of the ingredients weren’t technically on the approved list. As I was cutting carrots in the kitchen, my husband noticed and immediately reacted. His tone felt sharp and critical. I felt it in my chest. I became defensive and snapped back, telling him he was overreacting.

Not long after, I chose to step away and go for a hike. The interaction sat heavily with me. As I walked, I slowed myself down and began to reflect—not just on what happened, but on what I was feeling and why it affected me so deeply. That was when I realized something important: it was the first time since our son’s health crisis began that I had truly processed the emotional toll it had taken on me. I had been carrying the stress, fear, and pressure quietly for months. It had been building. I realized that what was really bothering me about the whole situation was how it stripped away our autonomy as a family. We were closed off to many of the usual activities and outings we had enjoyed because the diet was so restrictive we fell into just being home. Enriching experiences for our family is something I highly value, take pride and enjoy putting together.

As my mind started forming negative assumptions about my husband, his tone, his quick criticism, I caught myself. I could suddenly see the dance. This moment wasn’t really about carrots. There was more happening beneath the surface. We were both responding from strain, fear, and exhaustion. And it was in that awareness that I recognized what I now call the second major pitfall in relationships.

Action Step: Take a moment to reflect on the cycle you tend to fall into. Think about the most recent disagreement you had with your spouse. Write it down, and notice how each of you responded to one another.

You can use this simple format to help uncover your pattern:

“The more I ______, the more you ______, the more we ______.”

This exercise isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. Seeing the cycle is the first step to changing it.

Below are three other common relational cycles that couples often find themselves repeating.

One expresses hurt → the other minimizes → first protests → second withdraws
One seeks closeness → the other feels controlled → one pursues → the other distances
One shuts down → the other panics → one pressures → the other goes numb

Over time, couples stop hearing each other and start reacting to the emotional memory of past fights and get into a neurological rut.

Which of the relational cycles above do you relate to?

II. Pitfall 2: The Silent Shift from Partner to Opponent

When I slowed down and truly paused, setting my own grievances aside long enough to consider where my husband was coming from, something shifted. I began to wonder, What was really happening for him? Why did the carrots trigger such a strong reaction? What nerve had been touched?

And then it came back to me.

I remembered that as a child, my husband had spent nine months hospitalized in Peru due to serious health complications connected to his diet. During that time, visits were highly restricted. He was separated from his mother and left to endure long hospital days largely alone. His strictness around our son’s diet wasn’t just about food. It was about fear. It was about protection. It was about a deep, embodied memory of helplessness, vulnerability, and loss of control.

When I remembered his story, the cycle we had fallen into suddenly made sense.

I could see his reaction not as an attack, but as an alarm. Not as control, but as care shaped by unresolved pain. In that moment, he stopped being the villain of the story or an opponent I needed to defend myself against. He was my partner, responding from a place that deserved understanding, not combat.

When a partnership turns into a competition, when someone has to win and someone has to lose, ego takes over. Empathy disappears. Apologies become rare. Scorekeeping begins. And slowly, that mindset erodes emotional safety and sabotages the well-being of the relationship.

Action Step: After conflict:

Pause and reflect on your own feelings. Create intentional space to process the tension, later that evening, the next morning, or whenever you can be calm and reflective. Revisit the most recent moment of strain with your spouse and explore what you were truly feeling and why. Go beneath the surface. Name it. Write it down. When emotions remain unprocessed, they often stay lodged in the body and end up leaking out in ways that betray our deeper intentions.
Write down assumptions and interpretations. Next, ask yourself what story you were telling about the situation. What did you assume? What meaning did you give it? Write that down too, and consider where those interpretations might be coming from.
Consider your partner’s perspective and history. Then comes the harder—and more transformative—part: turn your attention toward your spouse. Ask yourself, What might they be feeling? Why might this situation have impacted them so strongly? Recall their history, past experiences, and previous conversations. You may not know the full answer and that’s okay. The posture of curiosity itself begins to lower emotional intensity and soften the nervous system.
Re-engage with empathy, not accusation. It can also be helpful to consider personality and how our natural dispositions shape the way we and our spouses communicate. We’re all wired differently, and many conflicts arise when we interpret a spouse’s reaction as personal or intentional, when in reality it often reflects their personality and how they experience the world. While we can always learn and grow, it helps to resist assigning ill intent to our partner. As you reflect on a recent disagreement or tension, ask yourself: Is my spouse’s response consistent with how they are wired? Understanding their personality can bring empathy, reduce unnecessary conflict, and help you respond more thoughtfully. When you return to the conversation, you’re far more likely to speak with empathy rather than accusation and empathy creates the conditions for a productive, connecting dialogue rather than a competitive one.

III. Pitfall 3: Letting External Influences Erode Your Bond

One of the most subtle yet powerful threats to a relationship is allowing outside voices to carry more weight than the one across from you. Social media invites constant comparison: highlight reels that quietly suggest other marriages are happier, more romantic, more exciting, or more successful. Family and friends, often well-intentioned, can unintentionally plant seeds of doubt, division, or pressure. Past wounds, unresolved stories, and previous relationships can also get projected onto a present partner who never authored them. Over time, these external influences pull couples out of alignment, shifting loyalty from the partnership to opinions, fears, and expectations that don’t belong to the marriage.

One common theme I hear from couples involves the influence of in-laws, most often a mother-in-law. While many couples are thoughtful about acknowledging the strengths, support, and positive qualities their extended family brings, they also frequently describe in-laws as a significant source of tension. Conflict often arises when one partner feels the other is taking sides, sharing private matters, or making decisions with an in-law’s input without fully considering their spouse’s needs, boundaries, or perspective. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and unity within the marriage. In some extreme situations I’ve encountered, the level of distress has become so severe that it led to deeply unhealthy and even destructive behaviors, highlighting just how powerful and destabilizing unresolved in-law dynamics can be.

Action Step: Prioritize your inner circle. Establish couple-only decision rules, practice media detoxes, and return regularly to shared values and vision.

IV. Pitfall 4: Ignoring Bids for Connection

“I feel lonely even though I am married” is a lament I hear all too often. Busy schedules, endless responsibilities, and the lack of intentional moments for connection can leave couples feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. When there is time together, it’s often hijacked by social media, screens, or digital distractions, now including AI coaches and other online tools that, while helpful, can inadvertently replace real human connection. Ignoring or neglecting the relationship through missed daily bids for connection—hugs, kisses, cuddling, or meaningful conversation—slowly erodes intimacy. Every interaction is a deposit into the emotional “bank account” of the relationship. When couples fail to make those deposits, they find themselves emotionally underfunded, especially when life’s inevitable crises demand withdrawals. The result is distance, frustration, and a quiet loneliness that can exist even in the same room.

Action Step: Take initiative. Schedule regular time together, even if it’s simple: coffee, a walk, or a tech-free hour each day or week. Small, consistent actions rebuild connection.

V. Pitfall 5: Rushing Milestones or Losing Individuality

My husband participates in a couple of sports groups—soccer and ultimate frisbee before dawn during the week. When he comes home after playing, competing, and enjoying time with other men, he’s a new man. He’s happy, upbeat, and energized. While exercise certainly contributes to his mood, the real shift comes from being part of a community of men who share his interests, competitiveness, and sense of fun. In these spaces, he doesn’t have to meet all of his social or competitive needs through me or the kids.

I have similar experiences with women’s groups—book clubs or Bible studies—where my emotional and social needs are nurtured. These examples show how we’ve intentionally cultivated friendship, fun, and connection outside of our marriage. Beyond work, we maintain both shared community and individual communities.

Many marriages lose this balance. Couples become absorbed in each other and attempt to meet every emotional, social, and personal need solely within the marriage. In some Latin American countries, the phrase “media naranja”—or “your other half”—reflects this idea of finding someone to complete you. While romantic in theory, the concept can be misleading. It suggests we are incomplete without our partner, which can foster co-dependency and place unrealistic expectations on the marriage. Healthy relationships thrive not when we rely entirely on one another for fulfillment, but when each partner is fully formed, while still choosing to share life together.

Along the same lines is the tendency for couples to try to do life alone. Couples who actively engage with other couples, families, and communities consistently thrive. This was clearly demonstrated in a five-year study we conducted with 3,000 couples across eight churches in the Chicagoland area. Similar patterns emerge in national and cross-sectional studies: couples who participate in church or community-based activities together experience stronger, healthier relationships.

Action Step: Cultivate both shared and individual communities. Pursue interests, friendships, and group activities outside the marriage while returning to shared experiences with intentionality.

Building a Pitfall-Proof Relationship

Change is often not revolutionary. It's not loud. It doesn’t enter with bells, whistles and exclamation points. It comes through shifts. It comes with micro habits. With the next wise step. It comes with sacred moments of solace, of an embracing compassionate embrace, of seeing the other with depth of understanding, of being valued and loved and you know it's happening because it brings a wind of hope.

Throughout this article, we’ve explored some of the most common relationship pitfalls: falling into unconscious cycles, losing empathy for one another, letting external influences erode your bond, and neglecting connection and individuality. We’ve also discussed practical strategies to avoid them—from pausing to process your own emotions, practicing empathy, setting healthy boundaries, to cultivating friendships and communities outside the marriage. Remember, meaningful change doesn’t happen overnight. Small, intentional steps compound over time and can transform the trajectory of your relationship.

Pick one strategy today and put it into practice. Whether it’s scheduling a tech-free date night, reflecting on your emotional patterns, or setting a boundary with external influences, take that small step, and the next wise step, establish the new habit and with due time, your relationship will flourish.

What pitfall resonates most with you? How will you respond differently next time?

By sidestepping these common traps, you’re not just surviving, you’re creating a connection that thrives, one rooted in empathy, intentionality, and love.

Resource:

Family Portrait: Sign up to experience the Family Bridges theatrical presentation, which explores family dynamics—including in-laws—and comes with discussion guides. Watch it with your partner, or gather your family for a watch party, and use the prompts to reflect on your own relationship pitfalls and areas for growth. It’s a fun, interactive way to spark meaningful conversations and strengthen your connections.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

Language English

The Main Thing

Sara — Wed, 16 Feb 2022 13:36:47 +0000

The Main Thing

Sara Wed, 02/16/2022 - 07:36

Feb 16, 2022

Lately, I have been grieving for friends who are in a harrowing season in their relationships and have recently divorced. I am burdened by how they suffer and the unbearable pain they are experiencing. Alas, it is a story unfolding for many of you, even as you read these lines.

As these stories came to our doorstep, my husband and I welcomed the conversation it invited. I don't believe we were necessarily more equipped or a more compatible couple than our friends. What has kept us from deciding not to break it off in the difficult seasons when we have drifted apart? Just like all couples, in our 24 years of marriage, we've had seasons where we have gotten busy with our own agendas and struggled connecting. Yet we have had many good seasons as well, where our love rekindled and where we grew closer together.

You've heard of the wise counsel, "keep the main thing, the main thing?" If you are married and you had to boil down what has helped you stick through your own valleys and mountains, what would that be?

As we talked about the mysterious secret sauce, we went through an impressive list:

Commitment

Prolific marriage and family researcher, Scott Stanley, would probably agree. In his book the Power of Commitment, Stanley shares his marital research for understanding commitment. Early in our marriage Stanley's writings and marriage workshops helped us understand what commitment means, including learning to handle the pressures of everyday life and transforming one's thinking from "me versus you" to "we" and "us. "I translated these insights by simply asking the question, "Does this help our marriage and family life or if I do X, Y or Z, am I turning my back against those whom I love?" Stanley also talks about capturing the mystery of teamwork and building a lasting vision for the future. While the hubby and I agreed this has undoubtedly been a pillar holding us steady, especially in the turbulent seasons - there is something else that seems to lead to a stronger bond.

Friendship

I have vivid memories of my dad randomly serenading my mom with a poem, of her faithfully bringing him coffee as they enjoyed a break mid-afternoon to catch up on the day's affairs, and later in the evening watching the evening news together where often they talked after long into the night. In modern times, we encourage couples to go on date nights or weekend getaways - to get some time alone without the disruption of the kids to talk and foster intimacy. My parents had habits ingrained in the rhythm of their relationship that fostered their companionship.

It does take a degree of intentionality, and it can be a tumultuous effort when you have smaller children, to plan a date night (even a home-bound one), or to escape without the kids regularly. I have found that these micro-habits go a long way. When you create these rhythms, it is beautiful to bear one another's burdens, actually talk to each other about what bothers you, about what you are struggling with, or even entertain big hairy and audacious dreams and goals. And it is a two-way street. It does require both parties to willingly participate - even if one takes the lead in organizing, planning, and making it happen.

Research supports that fun and laughter is good for marriages too. Married individuals whose spouse is their best friend have higher life satisfaction. And it gets better for people of faith. Spouses who share religious beliefs and are also best friends. The benefits of marital friendship are long term. They extend past the newlywed years far into the mature years.

Repair attempts

Whether it's because one of us is grouchy due to a bad night's sleep or whether it's because we are just very proud at the moment, inevitably we will hurt each other. Will say the wrong thing at the wrong time, fail to value each other, listen well or not consider each other's needs.

The relationship expert John Gottman (The Gottman Institute) clarifies that no matter how astute or prepared you are in relationships, inevitably, you are bound to snap, have an ugly screaming match, say mean things to each other, or get critical and defensive. Healthy relationships don't mean you are perfect!

What makes the difference is that healthy couples, at some point, make amends; they admit responsibility for their part and begin the healing process.

Interestingly, it doesn't matter which type of repair attempt is made (i.e, saying I'm sorry, a smile, a tender touch, a kind gesture, etc.). There is one thing, though, that makes these more effective friendships. When you have built an emotional bank by basically being nice to each other, being good friends, then repair efforts work better.

Sharing the load

There is a lot of management needed to run a home and wow it can be super challenging if it all falls under one person's shoulders only. Being responsive by seeing what needs to be done and rolling up our sleeves makes a big difference. Whether it's dishes, cooking, weed pulling, driving kids to activities, or keeping up with the finances - the list is loooong and when the load is shared; it is less stressful all around. Yet, this also was not the main thing for us.

Service

Coming together to present couples or parent workshops in the community or service project is something that has given us much joy over the years. As we come together to consider the personal stories we will share, the principles we will stress and the vision we hope those attending will gain, it brings us together in a special way. We learn together and there is something beautiful that happens when we get to serve together in this way. So good but still not the main thing either.

Strike-Out Blaming

Blaming can easily lead to contempt and this destroys. It's way too easy to point and find fault in how the other did something or have problems on when they did/or not do something. When we sense "blaming" is coming out to play, we fight to strike it out. It's a rule in our home - own your part, accept personal responsibility, and above all don't blame. Harder to do and yet more productive is to consider your spouses' point of view. Where are they coming from, how do they feel, what can they be thinking that prompted this or that? This is a game-changer - it changes the tone in your relationship. So important but it is still not the main thing for us.

Generosity

Frequently recognize, validate and show your appreciation. Gratitude is not natural as we are usually just thinking of ourselves. Cultivating it lessens the self, soothes bitterness, and is incredibly healing. We often say in workshops if this is the only practice you work on in your marriage, you will grow abundantly. Is this the same thing, it's on the top of the list, but no - it's not it.

Shared faith and values

Does it help that we share the same convictions, fear God, and seek to honor him in our lives, in how we parent, and in our marriage? Absolutely. In the end Christ is the one that helps us in this journey and without Him, it all is too hard!

Parenting

We have the best kids in the world! So says every parent right? We love this stage in our lives - it took us quite a bit to have children and perhaps this may have something to do with it but we enjoy this season of our lives with them. They are fun, curious, and full of life which makes life that much more valuable to do. Sure, we have our rifts from time to time on which rule one of us feels is important to follow which the other doesn't but even in weighting this out and seeing how it all plays out brings us together. No, it also is not the main thing either.

What is the main thing that we would attribute to the key ingredient of lasting love?

Seems like a cocktail of all of these is needed. But as we pressed and thought some more, we realized it does come down to one thing. A big thing.

LOVE

We can do all these things and more and yet if we don't nurture love in our hearts, commitment can become an obligation, forgiveness can be inauthentic, friendship can be cordial at best and often keeping us from digging deep to get to the root of issues, responsibilities can be pitted against each other so that one party feels bitter they do more, service can become a performance, and parenting can be a tug of war.

How do we love well? It does the heart good to remember a passage in 1 Corinthians 13:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

This week take the time to plan a growth opportunity for you and your spouse this year and invite others to do the same.

Plan a getaway
Read a book together
Engage in a small group marriage workshop
Plan a date night
Do a service project

Love Well and Encourage Others to Love Well As Well.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

Language English

Adopt a DIY spirit and intentionally cultivate your relationships

Sara — Wed, 28 Apr 2021 15:06:05 +0000

Adopt a DIY spirit and intentionally cultivate your relationships

Sara Wed, 04/28/2021 - 10:06

Apr 28, 2021

One 2020 phenomenon which did not gain fame or garner media attention is how 2020 became the year of DIY projects. When everything was cancelled, home improvement stores became the destination. And a look at some of these home improvement stores’ Q4 profits along with the real estate market reveal how at least in North America, people redirected their money to tackle home improvement projects.

I have to admit, my husband and I were one of those couples. 2020 became the year where the to-do list gained a new status. As we organized, decluttered, refurbished, and painted, we shared some laughter, frustration, and stretched our patience to new levels. Truth be told, even though I may have overdone it with the closet and cabinet organizing, these projects gave us mastery and a sense of agency in an ambivalent world. It gave our family a common goal to work towards. It distracted us from the chaos and pain encroaching around us and helped strengthen our resilience. This is one silver lining of 2020, and 2021, we made some headway on conquering the Honey To Do List.

What if we adopt this DIY spirit and intentionally cultivate the relationships in our family, with our spouse, and even co-workers?

Imagine how much richer your life would be a year from now if those you love felt valued as you took the time to listen to them, to uplift them, to shower them with gratitude and grace.

What would it mean to them if you made it a priority to build them up by empowering and encouraging them in their growth journey?

Bring the spark back to your marriage, cherish your loved ones, restore and heal the broken relationships. Open up your calendar now and schedule some date nights (even if these are at home). And just like you took some pointers from tutorial videos to help with the DIY projects, take some time to learn...

. . .how to have meaningful conversations,

. . .how to better understand the underlying issues that dictate relationship tension,

. . .about the way personality and family of origin influence the way differences are navigated,

. . .how to create a vision board for your marriage and family

. . .how to motivate the fatigued teen in your life

. . .how to become more self-aware and regulate your emotions

To take a deep dive in topics like these and many others. Make the rest of 2021 the year where you enrich your home life. It's time to spruce up the relationships with your loved ones. Make it happen!

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

couples

marriage

relationships

Language English

Cozy Fun Date Ideas for the FALL

Sara — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 08:00:57 +0000

Cozy Fun Date Ideas for the FALL

Sara Thu, 10/13/2016 - 03:00

Oct 12, 2020

Leaves are changing colors, football is here (sorta), and everywhere you go you will find a pumpkin-spiced something. That’s right SWEATER WEATHER!!! Fall is here. At least for Chicago anyways. I don’t know if I can say the same thing for our southern friends, but here in the Chicagoland area you know that the seasons are changing.

There’s a crispiness in the air and as it gets colder people want to take in the last moments outdoors before everyone hibernates indoors for the winter.

But what if you’re dating? Does that mean that you’re stuck with just indoor activities? We know that in the summer there is always something fun to do and most things are relatively inexpensive. I would argue that fall is just as plentiful with exciting and unique activities that won’t break the bank. If you’re looking for some cozy date ideas here’s a few that I’ve experienced and would recommend.

Take a trip to a pumpkin patch

Pumpkins anyone? I’ve been going to pumpkin patches since I was a kid. There’s always different things to do at these events besides just getting a pumpkin. You can go on hayrides, journey through a corn maze, or carve a pumpkin. What if you planned a day going to a pumpkin patch with your date, while reminiscing on your favorite fall moments growing up? Share about what you like most about the season. If you don’t have much to share, take an opportunity to make a new memory with that special someone.

Go apple picking

Similar to the pumpkin patch is a trip to the apple orchard. You might even find a combination of the two if you’re lucky. Apple picking is a great time to walk, take in the day, share conversations, learn about the many different types of apples. I think a fun idea would be to spend time picking different apples and then taking them home and making an apple pie. It’s an awesome opportunity to create something together from start to finish. Don’t forget the whipped cream!

Have a campfire

Grab a blanket. Bring out the graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate. If you have some left over apples, make some cider. If you’re cooking-challenged, stop by a grocery store and pick some up. There’s nothing like a warm fire in the coolness of a fall evening, especially when you’re with good company. Be present. Have some good conversations with others.

Take a walk, run or bike ride in a forest preserve

Spend some time in a place where there is a lot of trees. This is definitely a sight to see when the leaves are changing colors. Take in the beauty of nature. Breathe in the fresh air. Share a few things that you enjoy and appreciate about that other person. Plus you got to burn off all those calories from eating s’mores, apple pies, and drinking your pumpkin spiced lattes.

If you couldn’t tell, Autumn is one of my favorite times of the year. Ideal temperatures, the beauty of the nature, the transition of seasons, set-ups a great opportunity to enjoy many moments together with your significant other. Take advantage of all that the season has to offer, because just like pumpkin-spiced lattes, its only here for a limited time.

by Eduardo Morales

dates

couples

relationships

Language English

Date night

Sara — Fri, 28 Aug 2020 18:37:05 +0000

Date night

About this episode

If you want to keep your marriage alive, you must make date night a priority. Plus, having a strong marriage shows your kids that a healthy marriage and relationship are important. Tune in for more.

Sara Fri, 08/28/2020 - 13:37

https://soundcloud.com/familybridgesusa/date-night-with-tim-popadic

Soundcloud Embed

28 August 2020

Tim Popadic Marriage Champion & Strategic Network Development for Gloo

Omar Ramos Host

Veronica Avila Co-Host

Podcast Series

The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting

Additional Info

TOOLS

The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.

Podcast season

Love Spills Over: It's About the Parent's Relationship

Tags

Parent burnout

When spouses are not getting their love needs met by each other, partly because they’re attending to the demands of their children, each partner will...

Listen to Episode

Spend time wisely

As parents, we want the best for our children. Which means we spend and focus most of our time on them. The problem is that...

Listen to Episode

Setting boundaries

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you...

Listen to Episode

Date night

If you want to keep your marriage alive, you must make date night a priority. Plus, having a strong marriage shows your kids that a...

Listen to Episode

Podcast Thumbnail

Setting boundaries

Sara — Tue, 25 Aug 2020 14:37:02 +0000

Setting boundaries

About this episode

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you let them. You have to work at protecting your privacy. This means protecting your couple time by having regular date nights. Tune in to gain some insight on how to set boundaries.

Sara Tue, 08/25/2020 - 09:37

https://soundcloud.com/familybridgesusa/setting-boundaries

Soundcloud Embed

25 August 2020

Eduardo Morales Guest Speaker

Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D. Founder & CEO

Omar Ramos Host

Veronica Avila Co-Host

Podcast Series

The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting

Additional Info

RECAP

Boundaries within the family are important. For example, putting children to bed consistently at a reasonable time every evening is not only good for their development but it also gives you some breathing room for you to enjoy some free time or take time to talk with your spouse. Honoring time with your spouse is another way you can create boundaries that help you keep your romantic life alive. Date your spouse. When you do so, you’ll create moments when you can talk. These moments also create opportunities for you to grow in intimacy with one another. Managing children is taxing and it is easy to neglect your romantic life. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you let them. You have to work at protecting your privacy. This means protecting your couple time by having regular date nights.

CONVERSATION

What boundaries do you think you need to put in place to help protect your time with your spouse?

THIS WEEK'S ACTION

Schedule a date night with your spouse this month. During the date night, talk about a common goal you both share or that you both would like to engage in (i.e., take a dance class together, learn a new sport/hobby together, or serve together in a charity or ministry you both feel passionate about).

TOOLS

The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.

Podcast season

Love Spills Over: It's About the Parent's Relationship

Tags

Parent burnout

When spouses are not getting their love needs met by each other, partly because they’re attending to the demands of their children, each partner will...

Listen to Episode

Spend time wisely

As parents, we want the best for our children. Which means we spend and focus most of our time on them. The problem is that...

Listen to Episode

Setting boundaries

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you...

Listen to Episode

Date night

If you want to keep your marriage alive, you must make date night a priority. Plus, having a strong marriage shows your kids that a...

Listen to Episode

Podcast Thumbnail

Spend time wisely

Sara — Tue, 25 Aug 2020 14:28:57 +0000

Spend time wisely

About this episode

As parents, we want the best for our children. Which means we spend and focus most of our time on them. The problem is that focusing so much on our children distracts us from fostering a relationship with our spouse. And if our relationship with our spouse suffers, in the end, our children suffer because the quality of the couple's relationship directly impacts the children. Tune in to this week's podcast for insight and tips on what we can do as parents and as a couple to nurture and balance our relationships.

Sara Tue, 08/25/2020 - 09:28

https://soundcloud.com/familybridgesusa/spend-time-wisely

Soundcloud Embed

25 August 2020

Rick Rivero President & Director of Sales of Connections Marketing

Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D. Founder & CEO

Omar Ramos Host

Veronica Avila Co-Host

Podcast Series

The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting

Additional Info

TOOLS

The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.

Podcast season

Love Spills Over: It's About the Parent's Relationship

Tags

Parent burnout

When spouses are not getting their love needs met by each other, partly because they’re attending to the demands of their children, each partner will...

Listen to Episode

Spend time wisely

As parents, we want the best for our children. Which means we spend and focus most of our time on them. The problem is that...

Listen to Episode

Setting boundaries

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you...

Listen to Episode

Date night

If you want to keep your marriage alive, you must make date night a priority. Plus, having a strong marriage shows your kids that a...

Listen to Episode

Podcast Thumbnail

Parent burnout

Sara — Tue, 25 Aug 2020 14:15:45 +0000

Parent burnout

About this episode

When spouses are not getting their love needs met by each other, partly because they’re attending to the demands of their children, each partner will often look elsewhere to have their relationship needs met. Tune in to get insight and tips on small things you can do as a couple to keep the spark alive.

Sara Tue, 08/25/2020 - 09:15

https://soundcloud.com/familybridgesusa/parent-burnout

Soundcloud Embed

25 August 2020

Nadia Persun, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Clinical Care Director at Greenpath Clinic

Greg Persun General Manager at Greenpath Clinic

Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D. Founder & CEO

Omar Ramos Host

Veronica Avila Co-Host

Podcast Series

The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting

Additional Info

RECAP

It's easy to get swept away by the demands of your children. They can invade your bed, take over your free time, and cut into your hobbies. As you meet their needs, it's easy to ignore the needs of your spouse. Many spouses grow apart during the early parenting years. As they do so, they are more susceptible to getting their emotional needs met by something or someone else. Whether it’s an affair or an addiction – these escapes offer an opportunity for each person in the relationship to obtain a form of pseudo-love. Intentionally investing in your marriage week by week, month-by month, is essential to keep your relationship thriving.

CONVERSATION

How have children disrupted the time you spend with your spouse?

THIS WEEK'S ACTION

Look for 10 minutes each day within your everyday routine, where you can turn towards your spouse (i.e., morning coffee, snuggling together and watching tv after the kids go to bed, driving to an event together), and share something about your spouse that you are grateful for.
Create a vision statement for your marriage (see tools below for step-by-step instructions)

TOOLS

The following tools can help you along the way:

How To Create A Vision For Your Family & Marriage

The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.

Podcast season

Love Spills Over: It's About the Parent's Relationship

Tags

Parent burnout

When spouses are not getting their love needs met by each other, partly because they’re attending to the demands of their children, each partner will...

Listen to Episode

Spend time wisely

As parents, we want the best for our children. Which means we spend and focus most of our time on them. The problem is that...

Listen to Episode

Setting boundaries

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you...

Listen to Episode

Date night

If you want to keep your marriage alive, you must make date night a priority. Plus, having a strong marriage shows your kids that a...

Listen to Episode

Podcast Thumbnail

The Tomato & The Flower

Sara — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 18:03:16 +0000

The Tomato & The FlowerSara Wed, 07/22/2020 - 13:03

The family is gathered at the dinner table when Marisol asks Abuelita to tell the story of how she met Abuelito. A flashback tells the story of a love filled with flowers, rivalry, and...a tomato?

Video Embed

Video Series

Es un Show

Episode

13 (Season 1)

Tags

love

couples

relationships

Video Thumbnail