communication

When Did "Boundaries" Become "Goodbye Forever"?

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Mon, 01 Jun 2026 16:13:15 +0000

When Did "Boundaries" Become "Goodbye Forever"?

anny@familybri… Mon, 06/01/2026 - 11:13 Jun 1, 2026

I often go back and think about my caregiving season with both of my parents. The sacrifices, and long days, filled with quiet moments of doubt. I wonder sometimes: was it worth it? I'll come back to that answer.

But first, I need to address something I've been sitting with for a while. There's a growing trend where people are opting out of relationships with their parents or family members entirely, what many call "going no contact." And I'll be honest with you: I can't say I fully agree with it.

Before you fire off a strongly-worded email, hear me out. This is not a dismissal of anyone's pain. I know that some people have walked through genuinely devastating seasons at the hands of the very people who were supposed to love them. That is real, and I don't take it lightly. This is simply my perspective, shaped by my own experiences and the decisions I've had to make along the way.

My parents were not perfect people.
Not even close. But they were two people doing their very best under the weight of circumstances that would have broken many of us.

My mother was physically and verbally abused by her own father. And then, as if following a painful script she never chose, she found herself in relationship after relationship where abuse was the common thread. By the time she became a mother, my mother, she parented from a place of fear. That fear often looked like control, and like authority. But underneath it, she was trying to protect me from the same evils she had survived. In her heart, that was love.

Then there's my father, who lost his mother when he was just two years old. He grew up without that foundational warmth, carrying a quiet sense of being unwanted and rejected. Now put these two people together, and you don't exactly get a fairy tale. What you get are two survivors, whose lives were painted in colors that stained every lens through which they saw the world.

Yet they did the best they could, and I admire them for that. Because if I had chosen to see only the negative, I would have missed everything in them that was worth holding onto.

Did I go through seasons of anger? Absolutely. Did I blame them for some of my outcomes? Of course I did. But here's the thing, those were still my outcomes, born from my decisions. Blaming them was always easier than owning my part. Grace has a way of requiring something from us too.

I remember when tough love was just life.
Family was family, messy, loud, very loud, sometimes bruising, but you showed up. You fought together, laughed together, and found your way back to each other. The idea of cutting off family completely would have been unthinkable. Because even a dysfunctional family shapes you. For better and for worse, it shapes you.

And that brings me to the word I keep coming back to: grace.

I've had to ask myself hard questions about grace. Because it's easy to want it and much harder to give it. We are quick to ask for it for ourselves. We expect the people who love us to extend it generously. But somewhere along the way, offering it to others, especially to our parents with all their wounds and failures, has become something people aren't sure they owe anymore.

I think about my own children when I sit with this. I know I have not always been the best version of myself. Neither have they. But we extended grace in those seasons because love requires it, and I hope, with everything in me, that they would always do the same for me.

There is also something deeply spiritual in this for me. Scripture instructs us to honor our mothers and fathers. I believe in boundaries, real ones, healthy ones. But you can hold a boundary and still hold honor. The two are not mutually exclusive.

So here is the question I keep coming back to.
Why aren't we talking more about conflict resolution? Why, when relationships get hard, does disconnection get handed to us as the answer before we've even tried to work through it?

I wonder if part of what's driving the no-contact movement isn't just unresolved pain. I wonder if it's that no one ever taught us how to navigate conflict in the first place. And when we don't have those tools, we reach for distance. And distance, over time, can become permanent.

Look at what's happening around us. We are seeing a rise in gun violence. A rise in isolation and disconnect. Relationships, families, communities, entire generations, fracturing at the seams. It feels like a disease, infectious, and if left untreated, its end result is the slow destruction of the very relationships and unity we were designed to have.

What grieves me most is this: I believe we are fighting the wrong enemy.

I wonder if sometimes the real battle isn't with the people who hurt us, but with the unresolved pain that never got a name or a place to go. So instead of facing it, we flee from it. We cut it off, and we wonder why it doesn't feel like healing.

Because shutting the door on the thing that hurt you doesn't make it disappear. It shows up somewhere else, in your next relationship, in your parenting, in the walls around your heart that keep getting thicker. Silence doesn't heal wounds, it just relocates them. What if there was a better way?

The numbers tell a story we can't ignore.

A 2025 YouGov poll found that nearly 4 in 10 Americans no longer have a relationship with one or more immediate family members. And the trend is sharpest among the youngest generation, with 60% of Gen Z reporting they have gone no contact, compared to just 20% of baby boomers. Knowable Magazine The Week

So the question worth sitting with is: why? Because the pain is real, but I don't think pain alone explains all of it.

Part of it is cultural. We live in a world that has quietly sold us the idea that difficulty has no place in our lives. We have one-click everything. We cancel subscriptions, unfollow accounts, and mute people with a tap. Then slowly, without realizing it, we have started applying that same logic to relationships. If it's hard, opt out. If it hurts, leave. If it costs you something, you deserve better. That mindset erodes the very things healthy relationships require: resilience, perseverance, and a willingness to do the work even when it's uncomfortable. Patience, forgiveness, and compassion are not soft suggestions. They are the load-bearing walls of any lasting connection. Indrosphere

Part of it is also something deeper. I once heard someone say that so many of our relational problems trace back to one belief: that people are basically good. And if I am basically good, then I don't feel the urgency to grow or change. The problem is always the other person. And if the problem is always the other person, removing them feels like the solution. It is a lens worth considering. Because when we stop asking "what is my part in this," we stop growing. And growth requires us to push through resistance, not walk away from it.

This is why the FACE Model matters.
It is a framework we use at Family Bridges with couples, young adults, and even children to help identify conflict and actually work through it. You can learn more about that work at familybridgesusa.org. Conflict resolution is a skill, and like any skill, it has to be learned, practiced, and passed down. The FACE Model gives people language for the moments when emotion takes over and words fail.

So what does FACE actually mean?

F is for Feelings. What am I actually feeling, and why do I feel this way? Most of us have never been taught to slow down long enough to honestly answer that. We react before we reflect. But when you can name what you're feeling and trace it back to its root, you stop being controlled by it. You start to see it clearly.

A is for Assumptions. This is where it gets real. Every one of us has a story we've been telling ourselves, sometimes for years, sometimes for decades. A script on repeat that feeds the feelings. Maybe it's "I will never be good enough for them." Maybe it's "they never really loved me." Those assumptions quietly shape how we interpret every interaction, every silence, every tone of voice. Until we examine the story, we keep living inside it as if it were fact.

C is for Comeback. This is the mirror nobody wants to look into. How are the people around you responding to the way you are showing up? Is your sarcasm creating distance? Is your silence pushing people away? The comeback isn't about blame. It's about honest self-awareness, because sometimes what frustrates us most in our relationships is a direct reflection of how we've been responding to our own unresolved pain.

E is for Effect. Unresolved conflict doesn't just live in your relationships. It lives in your body, your habits, your coping. It shows up as addiction, binge watching, sulking, overeating, isolation, or an anger that seems out of proportion. The effect is the evidence that something underneath needs attention. And once you can see it for what it is, you can begin to make a different choice.

The FACE Model doesn't promise that every relationship can be fully restored. But it does offer something most of us were never given: a way to understand ourselves more honestly so that we can show up in our relationships more intentionally. That is where healing actually starts, not in the cutting off, but in the facing.

We have to push past the hard stuff in families.
We have to speak. We have to cry. We have to sit in the discomfort and face it together. Because the alternative isn't peace. The alternative is a slow hardening of the heart that isolates us from the very people we were meant to do life with.

Family, even in its most broken form, was designed for connection. For resilience, and the kind of love that fights for each other instead of away from each other.

The conversation worth having isn't about whether your pain is valid. It is. The conversation worth having is about what we do with it. It starts with refusing to let unresolved conflict have the last word.

And to answer my earlier question: was the caregiving season worth it?

Every single day of it.

by Omaira Gonzalez

Language English

Navigating the Hidden Traps: 5 Common Relationship Pitfalls and How to Sidestep Them for Lasting Connection

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Thu, 22 Jan 2026 17:55:09 +0000

Navigating the Hidden Traps: 5 Common Relationship Pitfalls and How to Sidestep Them for Lasting Connection

anny@familybri… Thu, 01/22/2026 - 11:55 Jan 22, 2026

One of the drawbacks of living in Chicago is the potholes. When I first moved here more than twenty years ago from Florida, where the roads are smooth and winters don’t exist, the cracked pavement and brutal cold were a stark reminder of what I had left behind. Back then, the potholes felt unpredictable, lurking in the most unexpected places. Blown tires and emergency air stops weren’t just inconveniences; they became a regular part of life.

Over the years, something changed. You begin to recognize where the potholes are. You grow more aware of the ones near your neighborhood and along your usual routes. And with that awareness, you learn to navigate differently. You slow down. You plan ahead. You avoid what you can so the drive is smoother and less costly.

Relationships are a lot like roads filled with potholes. When you’re aware of the hazards, you can prepare for them. You can avoid many altogether. But when you’re unaware—or dismissive—you’re far more likely to fall into common pitfalls that can damage trust, connection, and intimacy.

Becoming aware of these relational pitfalls can dramatically change how you navigate your marriage and close relationships.

As a clinical psychologist, I’ve spent countless hours walking alongside couples in crisis through private counseling sessions, workshops, retreats, and conferences, I’ve had the privilege of working with couples from richly diverse cultural backgrounds. What I’ve witnessed over time aligns closely with what research consistently shows. But these principles aren’t just theories I’ve read about or observed in others; I’ve also seen them unfold across my own twenty-eight years of marriage.

In the following article, I will highlight five common pitfalls couples encounter, along with practical strategies to help prevent them from sabotaging our relationships and to show how, with intention, they can actually become opportunities to strengthen the covenant.

Pitfall 1: The Silent Relationship Killer: It’s not what we say, it's what we can’t see.

Most couples don’t fail because they don’t talk. They fail because they don’t recognize the emotional habits they’ve formed. The real danger isn’t poor communication, it’s relational blind spots. The main issue is the destructive cycle couples fall into without realizing it. Each partner reacts in ways that make sense to them but unintentionally trigger the other. That reaction sparks a counter-reaction, and before long, both are locked into a dance neither remembers choosing.

These cycles often manifest as criticism met with defensiveness, emotional bids met with stonewalling, disappointment that hardens into contempt. According to John Gottman’s decades of research, these patterns are highly predictive of relational breakdown, not because couples are malicious, but because they are unaware.

Until couples can see the pattern, they will keep fighting the person instead of the cycle.

Most destructive cycles don’t start with big fights. They start with small cues: words, tones, facial expressions, or behaviors that activate old wounds, assumptions, and defenses.

An example of how this plays out is as follows:

One criticizes → the other defends → first escalates → second stonewalls

A criticism can sound like:

“I shouldn’t have to ask.”

“Here we go again…”

“You always” or “You never”

These trigger defensiveness or motivate the partner to shut down.

The trigger is rarely the real issue. It’s the alarm it sets off inside the relationship.

Abandonment or Rejection triggers sound like:

“Do whatever you want.”

“I’m done talking.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Forget it.”

These often trigger pursuing, panic, anger, or emotional flooding.

A few years ago, during COVID, my husband and I went through a particularly difficult season. Our teenage son developed a Candida infection after taking antibiotics for what began as a flu-related cold sore. His treatment required an extremely strict diet: no sugar and virtually no carbohydrates. For months, food planning became exhausting, emotional, and high-stakes.

About seven or eight months into this routine, I decided to try something new and searched for creative recipes to bring some variety back to our meals. A few of the ingredients weren’t technically on the approved list. As I was cutting carrots in the kitchen, my husband noticed and immediately reacted. His tone felt sharp and critical. I felt it in my chest. I became defensive and snapped back, telling him he was overreacting.

Not long after, I chose to step away and go for a hike. The interaction sat heavily with me. As I walked, I slowed myself down and began to reflect—not just on what happened, but on what I was feeling and why it affected me so deeply. That was when I realized something important: it was the first time since our son’s health crisis began that I had truly processed the emotional toll it had taken on me. I had been carrying the stress, fear, and pressure quietly for months. It had been building. I realized that what was really bothering me about the whole situation was how it stripped away our autonomy as a family. We were closed off to many of the usual activities and outings we had enjoyed because the diet was so restrictive we fell into just being home. Enriching experiences for our family is something I highly value, take pride and enjoy putting together.

As my mind started forming negative assumptions about my husband, his tone, his quick criticism, I caught myself. I could suddenly see the dance. This moment wasn’t really about carrots. There was more happening beneath the surface. We were both responding from strain, fear, and exhaustion. And it was in that awareness that I recognized what I now call the second major pitfall in relationships.

Action Step: Take a moment to reflect on the cycle you tend to fall into. Think about the most recent disagreement you had with your spouse. Write it down, and notice how each of you responded to one another.

You can use this simple format to help uncover your pattern:

“The more I ______, the more you ______, the more we ______.”

This exercise isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. Seeing the cycle is the first step to changing it.

Below are three other common relational cycles that couples often find themselves repeating.

One expresses hurt → the other minimizes → first protests → second withdraws
One seeks closeness → the other feels controlled → one pursues → the other distances
One shuts down → the other panics → one pressures → the other goes numb

Over time, couples stop hearing each other and start reacting to the emotional memory of past fights and get into a neurological rut.

Which of the relational cycles above do you relate to?

II. Pitfall 2: The Silent Shift from Partner to Opponent

When I slowed down and truly paused, setting my own grievances aside long enough to consider where my husband was coming from, something shifted. I began to wonder, What was really happening for him? Why did the carrots trigger such a strong reaction? What nerve had been touched?

And then it came back to me.

I remembered that as a child, my husband had spent nine months hospitalized in Peru due to serious health complications connected to his diet. During that time, visits were highly restricted. He was separated from his mother and left to endure long hospital days largely alone. His strictness around our son’s diet wasn’t just about food. It was about fear. It was about protection. It was about a deep, embodied memory of helplessness, vulnerability, and loss of control.

When I remembered his story, the cycle we had fallen into suddenly made sense.

I could see his reaction not as an attack, but as an alarm. Not as control, but as care shaped by unresolved pain. In that moment, he stopped being the villain of the story or an opponent I needed to defend myself against. He was my partner, responding from a place that deserved understanding, not combat.

When a partnership turns into a competition, when someone has to win and someone has to lose, ego takes over. Empathy disappears. Apologies become rare. Scorekeeping begins. And slowly, that mindset erodes emotional safety and sabotages the well-being of the relationship.

Action Step: After conflict:

Pause and reflect on your own feelings. Create intentional space to process the tension, later that evening, the next morning, or whenever you can be calm and reflective. Revisit the most recent moment of strain with your spouse and explore what you were truly feeling and why. Go beneath the surface. Name it. Write it down. When emotions remain unprocessed, they often stay lodged in the body and end up leaking out in ways that betray our deeper intentions.
Write down assumptions and interpretations. Next, ask yourself what story you were telling about the situation. What did you assume? What meaning did you give it? Write that down too, and consider where those interpretations might be coming from.
Consider your partner’s perspective and history. Then comes the harder—and more transformative—part: turn your attention toward your spouse. Ask yourself, What might they be feeling? Why might this situation have impacted them so strongly? Recall their history, past experiences, and previous conversations. You may not know the full answer and that’s okay. The posture of curiosity itself begins to lower emotional intensity and soften the nervous system.
Re-engage with empathy, not accusation. It can also be helpful to consider personality and how our natural dispositions shape the way we and our spouses communicate. We’re all wired differently, and many conflicts arise when we interpret a spouse’s reaction as personal or intentional, when in reality it often reflects their personality and how they experience the world. While we can always learn and grow, it helps to resist assigning ill intent to our partner. As you reflect on a recent disagreement or tension, ask yourself: Is my spouse’s response consistent with how they are wired? Understanding their personality can bring empathy, reduce unnecessary conflict, and help you respond more thoughtfully. When you return to the conversation, you’re far more likely to speak with empathy rather than accusation and empathy creates the conditions for a productive, connecting dialogue rather than a competitive one.

III. Pitfall 3: Letting External Influences Erode Your Bond

One of the most subtle yet powerful threats to a relationship is allowing outside voices to carry more weight than the one across from you. Social media invites constant comparison: highlight reels that quietly suggest other marriages are happier, more romantic, more exciting, or more successful. Family and friends, often well-intentioned, can unintentionally plant seeds of doubt, division, or pressure. Past wounds, unresolved stories, and previous relationships can also get projected onto a present partner who never authored them. Over time, these external influences pull couples out of alignment, shifting loyalty from the partnership to opinions, fears, and expectations that don’t belong to the marriage.

One common theme I hear from couples involves the influence of in-laws, most often a mother-in-law. While many couples are thoughtful about acknowledging the strengths, support, and positive qualities their extended family brings, they also frequently describe in-laws as a significant source of tension. Conflict often arises when one partner feels the other is taking sides, sharing private matters, or making decisions with an in-law’s input without fully considering their spouse’s needs, boundaries, or perspective. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and unity within the marriage. In some extreme situations I’ve encountered, the level of distress has become so severe that it led to deeply unhealthy and even destructive behaviors, highlighting just how powerful and destabilizing unresolved in-law dynamics can be.

Action Step: Prioritize your inner circle. Establish couple-only decision rules, practice media detoxes, and return regularly to shared values and vision.

IV. Pitfall 4: Ignoring Bids for Connection

“I feel lonely even though I am married” is a lament I hear all too often. Busy schedules, endless responsibilities, and the lack of intentional moments for connection can leave couples feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. When there is time together, it’s often hijacked by social media, screens, or digital distractions, now including AI coaches and other online tools that, while helpful, can inadvertently replace real human connection. Ignoring or neglecting the relationship through missed daily bids for connection—hugs, kisses, cuddling, or meaningful conversation—slowly erodes intimacy. Every interaction is a deposit into the emotional “bank account” of the relationship. When couples fail to make those deposits, they find themselves emotionally underfunded, especially when life’s inevitable crises demand withdrawals. The result is distance, frustration, and a quiet loneliness that can exist even in the same room.

Action Step: Take initiative. Schedule regular time together, even if it’s simple: coffee, a walk, or a tech-free hour each day or week. Small, consistent actions rebuild connection.

V. Pitfall 5: Rushing Milestones or Losing Individuality

My husband participates in a couple of sports groups—soccer and ultimate frisbee before dawn during the week. When he comes home after playing, competing, and enjoying time with other men, he’s a new man. He’s happy, upbeat, and energized. While exercise certainly contributes to his mood, the real shift comes from being part of a community of men who share his interests, competitiveness, and sense of fun. In these spaces, he doesn’t have to meet all of his social or competitive needs through me or the kids.

I have similar experiences with women’s groups—book clubs or Bible studies—where my emotional and social needs are nurtured. These examples show how we’ve intentionally cultivated friendship, fun, and connection outside of our marriage. Beyond work, we maintain both shared community and individual communities.

Many marriages lose this balance. Couples become absorbed in each other and attempt to meet every emotional, social, and personal need solely within the marriage. In some Latin American countries, the phrase “media naranja”—or “your other half”—reflects this idea of finding someone to complete you. While romantic in theory, the concept can be misleading. It suggests we are incomplete without our partner, which can foster co-dependency and place unrealistic expectations on the marriage. Healthy relationships thrive not when we rely entirely on one another for fulfillment, but when each partner is fully formed, while still choosing to share life together.

Along the same lines is the tendency for couples to try to do life alone. Couples who actively engage with other couples, families, and communities consistently thrive. This was clearly demonstrated in a five-year study we conducted with 3,000 couples across eight churches in the Chicagoland area. Similar patterns emerge in national and cross-sectional studies: couples who participate in church or community-based activities together experience stronger, healthier relationships.

Action Step: Cultivate both shared and individual communities. Pursue interests, friendships, and group activities outside the marriage while returning to shared experiences with intentionality.

Building a Pitfall-Proof Relationship

Change is often not revolutionary. It's not loud. It doesn’t enter with bells, whistles and exclamation points. It comes through shifts. It comes with micro habits. With the next wise step. It comes with sacred moments of solace, of an embracing compassionate embrace, of seeing the other with depth of understanding, of being valued and loved and you know it's happening because it brings a wind of hope.

Throughout this article, we’ve explored some of the most common relationship pitfalls: falling into unconscious cycles, losing empathy for one another, letting external influences erode your bond, and neglecting connection and individuality. We’ve also discussed practical strategies to avoid them—from pausing to process your own emotions, practicing empathy, setting healthy boundaries, to cultivating friendships and communities outside the marriage. Remember, meaningful change doesn’t happen overnight. Small, intentional steps compound over time and can transform the trajectory of your relationship.

Pick one strategy today and put it into practice. Whether it’s scheduling a tech-free date night, reflecting on your emotional patterns, or setting a boundary with external influences, take that small step, and the next wise step, establish the new habit and with due time, your relationship will flourish.

What pitfall resonates most with you? How will you respond differently next time?

By sidestepping these common traps, you’re not just surviving, you’re creating a connection that thrives, one rooted in empathy, intentionality, and love.

Resource:

Family Portrait: Sign up to experience the Family Bridges theatrical presentation, which explores family dynamics—including in-laws—and comes with discussion guides. Watch it with your partner, or gather your family for a watch party, and use the prompts to reflect on your own relationship pitfalls and areas for growth. It’s a fun, interactive way to spark meaningful conversations and strengthen your connections.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

conflict

Language English

Why Great Leaders Embrace Diverse Views (Even When They Disagree)

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Wed, 09 Jul 2025 19:54:40 +0000

Why Great Leaders Embrace Diverse Views (Even When They Disagree)

anny@familybri… Wed, 07/09/2025 - 14:54 Jul 9, 2025

A few years ago, I was part of a writing team developing characters and lines for a radio soap opera and a play aimed at families in different communities. It was a thrilling experience, full of creativity, as we brought characters to life, shaping their personalities, backgrounds, and motivations.

But here’s what I didn’t expect: as we began writing, many of us defaulted to scripting lines based on how we would speak or react, rather than staying true to the characters we had so carefully created.

The Director would gently remind us, “Remember, you’re not writing yourself. You’re writing this character. Think about their personality, their history, their point of view.” It was a helpful, and frequent reminder. Because even with all the character development we had done, it was surprisingly easy to slip back into our own instincts.

That lesson came rushing back to me recently while working on another play. Despite everything I had learned, I caught myself doing it again, imposing my perspective instead of staying within the mindset of the character. So once more, I reminded myself (and the team): we’re not writing ourselves. We’re writing through the lens of someone else.

This applies to leadership too.

Whether we’re leading in business, church, or at home, it’s easy to feel frustrated when others don’t think or act like we do. We want to help them make better decisions, show maturity, or grow in character. But sometimes, that desire shows up in ways that unintentionally shut others down, through passive-aggressive remarks, dismissiveness, or impatience.

Even with good intentions, we can forget that growth is personal. Just like us, others are shaped by their life experiences, cultural influences, and generational context. When we acknowledge that, we release the pressure to fix or force change, and instead, make space for meaningful connection and learning.

Leaders often miss out on growth, not because people don’t have good input, but because their perspective doesn’t match our own. And when dialogue becomes debate, and curiosity is replaced with defensiveness, we all lose. But there’s a simple question that can reopen the conversation:

“Can you help me understand why you feel that way?”

Even if we don’t change our minds, asking with humility invites trust. It communicates respect. It helps us lead from a place of grace rather than control. We can remain grounded in our convictions and still practice empathy. At the heart of leadership is this truth:
We don’t have to agree to learn from one another. We don’t have to walk the same path to walk alongside each other.

So the next time someone offers a viewpoint that challenges your own, try this: listen fully. Ask questions. Choose curiosity.

By making space for diverse perspectives, we create a culture where people feel seen, heard, and valued. And in that kind of culture, everyone grows.

by Omaira Gonzalez

leadership

listening

communication

compromise

Language English

Family & Mixed Election Experiences: Hope vs. Heartache

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Wed, 06 Nov 2024 22:22:10 +0000

Family & Mixed Election Experiences: Hope vs. Heartache

anny@familybri… Wed, 11/06/2024 - 16:22 Nov 6, 2024

As the dust settles from the 2024 Presidential campaign, you might find yourself waking up on Tuesday morning either brimming with optimism or weighed down by disappointment.

This landmark election saw unprecedented voter turnout, reflecting the deep commitment Americans felt towards shaping their future. It was an emotional rollercoaster that tugged at the nation's heartstrings. Consequently, social media was a whirlwind of emotions, with some friends celebrating and others enveloped in sorrow.

What impact does this have on our households? Did families rally together in support of a single party, or were there divides between parents and their children, aunts, and uncles? Even if your nuclear family generally agrees on political matters, you might still find yourself clashing with extended family or friends.

With such intense feelings in the air, how do we navigate these emotions and prepare for the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday or cherished family gatherings?

If you are finding yourself dealing with the whiplash of the election and it is spilling into your living room, you may not be alone.

As you navigate the evolving political climate with your family in the coming weeks and months, pause and take inventory of how you are showing up. Answer the following questions first before you burn the relational bridges that matter the most.

1. Where Is Your Heart?

In the art of communication, aligning with another's emotions is crucial, yet challenging when you're on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. If you're feeling optimistic about what's ahead, it might be hard to open your heart to someone else's experience without dismissing it outright. Conversely, if you're grappling with disappointment, resentment and anger can cloud your ability to engage with others' viewpoints and ideas.

When disappointment strikes, it’s often because our dreams and expectations have veered off course from reality. On the flip side, celebrating a victory fuels our optimism, as our aspirations have not only been realized but surpassed.

Life's major disappointments can serve as pivotal turning points, offering a unique opportunity for growth. However, In moments of disappointment, some channel their dissatisfaction outward, blaming others for unmet expectations, which can breed resentment and bitterness.

Reflect on the emotions stirring within your heart. Identify your fears, jot them down, and seek solace in reflection or prayer. Unacknowledged, these feelings can seep out, turning words into sharp, unintended weapons that wound those around you.

On the flip side, if you're riding a wave of hope and excitement, be mindful of how your enthusiasm might overshadow the need to pause, truly listen, and empathize with others' frustrations. Embrace curiosity about their stories and experiences.

2. What Is Your Disposition?

Each of us is uniquely wired, shaping how we react to life's twists and turns. Last month, I delved into the fascinating ways our personalities influence our responses. Perhaps you're the type who calls it like it is, making bold decisions with confidence, guided by intuition and experience. When faced with setbacks, you don't shy away; instead, you tackle challenges head-on, turning obstacles into opportunities. If you find yourself acting on impulse, especially when emotions run high, you might have moved on swiftly from the elections without a second thought.

However, if you're someone who tends to ponder every detail, weighing options and considering future implications, you might find yourself dwelling on the decision. In this scenario, it's crucial to set boundaries on media consumption and external influences to prevent becoming emotionally overwhelmed.

3. What are Your Values?

Reflect on what truly matters to you and hold your core values close. If family and loved ones top your list, ask yourself if proving a point is worth risking those precious bonds. Choosing family means setting aside disputes and fostering an environment of grace, love, and forgiveness. Embrace a mindset of curiosity and understanding towards others.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

emotions

Holiday

Language English

Political Dialogue vs. Division at the Family Table

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Mon, 14 Oct 2024 22:21:43 +0000

Political Dialogue vs. Division at the Family Table

anny@familybri… Mon, 10/14/2024 - 17:21 Oct 14, 2024

During a contentious election season, discussing politics becomes inevitable. Despite your skill in diverting topics or coming up with excuses to sidestep family gatherings, the pressing political issues eventually demand attention. When that moment arrives, you might find yourself in a tense conversation with a parent, sibling, uncle, or cousin, potentially leading to anger, tears, or even lasting harm to your relationship. Below are some tips as you navigate these conversations.

Modes of Communication

There are three transformative modes of communication—dialogue, discussion, and debate—each offering its own unique advantages and challenges. In your interactions with family and friends, the art of dialogue reigns supreme, inviting open participation and attentive listening from a place of genuine curiosity, rather than the urge to triumph in an argument. By embracing dialogue, you nurture relationships and open doors to new insights. While debates can offer valuable perspectives, the quest to win can sometimes jeopardize connections if not handled with care.

Personality Tendencies in Political Discussion

Braver Angels offers a fascinating approach to understanding how personality types engage in political discussions. Imagine the peacekeeper, who steers clear of conflict by swiftly ending conversations, or the sniper, who fires off sharp remarks and then vanishes. Then there's the gladiator, charging at anyone with opposing views, and the defender, twisting others' words for their gain. The bystander stands aloof, completely detached from the debate, while the engager actively seeks meaningful dialogue to bridge divides. Do you relate with any of these types of approaches in responding to political conversations? If so, which type and what are some things you can work on in promoting constructive dialogue?

Dialogue Steps

Clarify: Are you truly hearing what’s being said during those intense debates? It’s easy to overestimate our listening skills, especially when passions run high. To ensure genuine understanding, aim to restate your loved one’s perspective so accurately that they exclaim, “That’s exactly right!” This shift from defensiveness to curiosity is key. Avoid the common pitfall of distorting their words to sound absurd or malicious, as this only breeds division. Instead, embrace the power of paraphrasing to bridge gaps and build meaningful connections.
Discover Common Ground: Embark on a journey to connect by finding shared values, even if it's just a tiny patch of understanding. When in a bind, lean in to the shared challenge of navigating complex issues.
Transition with Tact: Once you've truly listened to your family member and acknowledged the shared bond that unites you, gauge their openness to listen to your perspective. Emphasize the importance of verifying that the other party is genuinely interested in what you have to say—otherwise, advancing the conversation is futile. If interest is lacking, gracefully steer the conversation elsewhere.
Share Your Story: When it comes to family or loved ones, heartfelt experiences resonate. Frame your viewpoints through the lens of personal impact. Focus on how specific issues have shaped your life.
Explore a New Path: Instead of presenting your opinions, consider taking a different approach by posing thoughtful questions about the viewpoints that concern you. Adopt a humble stance with questions. The unexpected twist here is the goal isn’t to sway someone’s opinion but to reach their heart, nurture the relationship, and foster dialogue.
Own Your Mistakes: Just like mastering any craft, communication is a journey of growth and learning. Be patient with yourself and your loved ones as you explore new communication techniques. When a misstep leads to hurt feelings or defensiveness, take the courageous step to apologize. Assure them that you're on a path to becoming a more effective communicator. Remember, it's perfectly okay to pause, regroup, and return to the conversation refreshed and ready to connect.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

conflict

communication

family

listening

Language English

Implied Communication: Communication in my Home

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Tue, 23 Apr 2024 18:14:34 +0000

Implied Communication: Communication in my Home

anny@familybri… Tue, 04/23/2024 - 13:14 Apr 23, 2024

Growing up in my household, communication with my mother often felt like a game of charades. For those familiar with Puerto Rican homes, some of you might relate. If she needed something, her instructions would be vague, like "mira nena, buscame aquella cosa que esta encima de aquello, alla en aquel cuarto" (translated: "Hey, can you get me that thing that is on top of that thing over in that room"). If I was unsure, she'd guide me with a subtle lip gesture, turning it into a scavenger hunt.

Over time, I decoded her cues and learned to understand her implied messages. Communication styles, often learned at home, vary from clear and concise to passionate or, like mine, implied. But when interacting with others, especially from different backgrounds, my communication style left them feeling confused.

It took me a while to realize that while I understood my own signals, others didn't. Working with diverse groups made me aware of this gap. I had to learn to be more precise and check for understanding. Gradually, I improved by paying attention to others' responses and giving space for clarification. While my cultural habits sometimes resurface, I've learned to pause, observe, and allow room for mutual understanding, bridging the gap in communication.

In Erin Meyer's book The Culture Map, she observes,

"The way we are conditioned to see the world in our own culture seems so completely obvious and commonplace that it is difficult to imagine that another culture might do things differently."

Communication is woven into the fabric of our daily lives, influencing how we interact with everyone from our spouses and friends to teachers, colleagues, and staff. Each of us carries with us the imprint of our upbringing and cultural background, shaping our communication styles in subtle yet significant ways.

If we aspire to cultivate deeper connections with those around us, both near and far, it's essential to recognize and appreciate the diversity of communication styles. By embracing curiosity and engaging in open dialogue, we can bridge cultural divides and foster mutual understanding, creating spaces for meaningful sharing and learning to thrive.

Reflection questions:

How did your own upbringing influence your communication style?
How can awareness of cultural communication styles enhance empathy and foster deeper connections with others?
What strategies have you used to improve communication and understanding in cross-cultural interactions?

by Omaira Gonzalez

communication

culture

listening

Language English

Get Uncomfortable and Have the Crucial Conversation

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Mon, 08 May 2023 19:28:48 +0000

Get Uncomfortable and Have the Crucial Conversation

anny@familybri… Mon, 05/08/2023 - 14:28 May 8, 2023

“Let's talk." Has someone ever sat down with you to talk? Maybe you responded by getting defensive, your heart skipped a beat, or you were thoughtful.

Or maybe there have been times when you have had to initiate a candid discussion with someone else.

How did that go?

Are you avoiding having an honest chat with someone right now?

A few weeks ago, I spoke at the Convey Health Solutions Women's Summit about the importance of having crucial conversations—taking the time to understand what’s going on in your heart and the narrative that’s informing that. So often, because of pressure, time constraints, or all the coping mechanisms we have, we don't go there and avoid sifting through the underlying factors that inform how we feel.

If you are seething with anger, guilt, disappointment, jealousy, or greed, you will quickly escalate into a heated discussion, one colored by blaming and criticism; you will be inflexible and most likely will struggle to be curious about where the other person is coming from and take their perspectives into account.

Instead, take the time to sift through the core issues and emotions stirred up by the situation, ask yourself why you feel that way, and cope with that first. It may require some forgiveness or letting go of what is outside of your realm of control.

You are responsible for your feelings—no one ”makes you” feel this way or that way— you have to deal with that stuff first if you don't want to emotionally vomit on someone else when you sit down and have a candid conversation.

Then, ask yourself, what do I want? What changes do I want to see? Once you know what you want, you can be clear in asking for that specifically when you talk.

Sometimes, one talk is all it takes to clear the air and get unstuck. But, more often, you need several conversations to negotiate a path agreeable to all parties. Stay the course. I have seen this workout both at home and at work.

Know your heart.
Know what you want.
Ask for what you want.
Know the other's heart and what they want.
Be open to negotiating a path forward.

Need some support or help in sifting through your heart or in having a crucial conversation? Let’s talk. Click HERE to schedule a call.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

conflict

communication

arguments

Language English

Did I Really Talk to My Mother That Way?

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Fri, 02 Sep 2022 18:42:26 +0000

Did I Really Talk to My Mother That Way?

anny@familybri… Fri, 09/02/2022 - 13:42 Sep 2, 2022

As a child, I used to believe that my mother had supernatural powers. Just imagine, all it took was one firm look and a raise of her pointer finger and I knew that meant “get my act together.” She never used her words, her body language would say it all. Can you relate? She was the matriarch of the family, a strong woman, who was a disciplinarian and yet always caring for others, helping friends, family, and her community…a strong pillar. She raised us with Christian values and made sure we went to church 2 or 3 times a week. So it is natural that when she was diagnosed with cancer, I would be there for her. It was my turn to repay all the love she poured into us by showing up and supporting her through a very difficult time. What I did not anticipate was that I would also find myself taking care of my older half-brother. I honestly wish I could say that I found joy in that, but I didn’t. He was difficult and extremely challenging. I thought many times about the verse…

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' there is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31

That commandment is easy to follow when the person is easy to love…but it is very hard to love someone who makes it nearly impossible. And yet that is exactly what God commands us to do. A year of traveling back and forth to offer support and care for my mother, while at the same time dealing with my brother began to weigh down on me. As my mother began to win her fight against cancer, my brother became more and more difficult. I had begun to experience more frequent headaches, sleepless nights, and asthma flare-ups. What was my body telling me? It had reached its limit. Then I was reminded of the word “BOUNDARIES.” Of course, I should know this, but I was so caught up doing, doing, and doing that I forgot to set my boundaries. That “aha” moment got me to reflect on questions such as:

Why do I feel the way I do about this situation? Emotionally, physically, mentally?
What assumptions have I been making? Am I alone in this? Or have I chosen to do this alone?
What am I willing to do for the other person and where do I draw the line? How clear have I been about this to them?
How is this affecting me? How am I treating others because of this?

After spending time getting clarity, I began to take necessary measures. It begins with having a difficult conversation with the matriarch of my family...my mom. She has always protected my older brother and does not take kindly to people complaining about him. However, I pressed on and shared my feelings, steering clear from blaming or judging and only focusing on my ask. I was specific and clear about what I was willing to do and what I would not do. Yikes…did I just say that to my mother? At first, I assumed that she would respond by giving me a stern look and raising her pointer finger, but in truth, as difficult as it was for her to hear, she listened, understood, and validated me. It was a challenging conversation, however, being clear about my ask allowed me to stay focused. Clarity can help you define where you are and what destination you want to get to. If you don’t know where you are in the present, then how can your internal GPS help you get to where you need to be?

The next task wasn’t so tough because I had mustered so much anger already that I figured I would go in there and give my brother a piece of my mind….then I remembered the verse 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Ugh, not so easy now…God was asking me to do something very difficult. So there I go, taking time to clear my head “AGAIN!” This is a very important step because if our emotions are driving us, then the outcomes will be less favorable. While the conversation was stern and much more direct, I stayed away from tones that might make him feel shamed or mistreated. In the end, I was able to articulate what my boundaries are and how I would protect those. I wish I could say it worked, but he continues to challenge those boundaries at times. The truth is that having that talk was more for me than for my mother or my brother. Being clear about my boundaries helps me stay on course and accountable. I moved forward…got unstuck. I was able to dig myself out of that place of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I was able to trade out the lens that made me see things in a negative light for a lens that lets me see God’s grace in this whole situation.

Having a difficult conversation with your family can sometimes be daunting and challenging, but choosing not to have them can sever the relationship while hurting yourself along the way. If you want to learn more about how to have tough conversations that can get you the results you want, click here to watch a video from our Casademia online learning platform.

We would love to connect with you! Click here to schedule an appointment.

by Omaira Gonzalez

conflict

mothers

boundaries

communication

Language English

Marriage Makeover: How to Have Meaningful Conversations

Sara — Mon, 04 Feb 2019 19:57:57 +0000

Marriage Makeover: How to Have Meaningful Conversations

Sara Mon, 02/04/2019 - 13:57 Feb 4, 2019

“Would you be interested to hear what happened today on my way to work?” she asked excitedly, walking into the house. “I’d rather skip to the part where I hear what we are having for dinner. We can talk about the rest later,” he replied passing by, barely looking at her. Conversations missed, moments of connection are rushed. Marriage becomes crushed by the weight of daily responsibility, emotional dullness, and perpetual fatigue. Relationships continue to exist out of habit, as a routine. Work, parenting, helping others — sure. What is left for your spouse is a flat-lined level of energy sprinkled with crumbs of good intentions?

Meaningful dialogues? Forget it. What we have left for each at the end of the day are "useful conversations.” They are made of half-constructed thoughts, lazy listening, and functional orders focused on the execution of responsibility and errands. Sexy lingerie and candlelit dinners are replaced by other secret desires: clean kitchen, a cooked meal, laundry done, kids early to bed, and some TV as a survival reward. Marriage is on a perpetual diet.

What can we do to have a happy, healthy relationship? Easy: just finish reading this blog to learn quick, easy, proven solutions! Just kidding! However, the good news is that there are no secrets. You already know most of the things that you need to do. Just like with exercise and diet: some push-ups and an apple a day. However, skipping push-ups and eating a Hershey bar is easier. People’s nature is to pick the path of least resistance and minimal effort. We are also falsely hopeful, thinking that at some magical “later” time we will be stronger, more motivated, in the mood to do the “right” thing. What happens, in reality, is perpetual hoping and postponing, leaving us stuck in a rut.

How do we tackle this complex issue without feeling like busting through stones? Be proactive and start with small consistent steps. We are wrong thinking that small kind steps are seldom appreciated. How do you eat an elephant? One piece at a time. Can’t solve the whole problem, then focus on solving part of the problem.

The next part is actually doing something. Even the best information will not help if you don’t put it into use. You know what they say, “the road to failure is paved with good intentions.” A better life will not come from wishing and hoping. We want to ice the cake without having to make the cake. We need a new positive action. Only actions can bring specific results.Here are examples of the simple proactive steps that can help to improve communication, and heal and restore connection.

Make eye contact, look and act friendly and approachable

You have to become adept at daily communication and staying connected. Put your phone down. Turn off the TV. Just be in the same space, open and present to talk and connect with each other. Come out to greet your family when they arrive home. Stay in the same room together, not looking busy with other things. Make eye contact. Say “Hi. Please. Thank you. This is lovely. How are you doing today?" and so on. Little moments, kind words, fostered as a daily habit. Small talk is not idle chat.

Don’t wait for someone to read your mind, speak up openly

It is quite simple: what you don’t ask for, you won’t get. Be clear on what you want, what you are willing to give, then ask for it. “Could you please sit with me for 10 minutes and hear about my idea for our next vacation?”; “Could you please come out and greet me by the door any time you hear that I return from work?”; “Can we do something fun together this weekend, just us, no kids?”

Pay attention to get attention

Drop the tyranny of expectations, in which your spouse must do something first, so only then you are to respond with a nicety. Who cares who “started it" and "whose turn it is?” You are in the same boat, and it is leaky. Decide to be first to start fixing it. Be curious about your spouse. Ask questions and listen. Give them the spotlight. Do something nice, unexpected, no strings attached. Good energy will be returned to you in abundance.

Respect the rules of good behavior

We all know that it is not good to scream, call names, throw objects, and slam doors. There are rules related to respect and self-control. We tend to forget them when stressed out and when we feel that the other person is not treating us nicely. So, it is fair game to be bad in return! Even when your spouse is seemingly “underserving”, decide to stay kind, polite, and play by the rules.

Seek common ground and build on areas of agreement

You may disagree on types of movies, style of music, what to eat, sleep schedules, and how much and how often to wash and clean. But you are likely in agreement that your children need love and care, that both of you can benefit from having more fun and less stress, that being friendly and polite is better than hostility. Bring up more subjects that you know both of you share and support. Discussing such topics will foster the bond and improve communication skills, gradually allowing you to tackle things that are more sensitive and require negotiation.

Seek help and support, if needed

No man is an island. We are more alike than different. But we also can be very stubborn. If you feel that your marriage resembles a truck with its wheels stuck in thick mud, and no maneuvers or acceleration result in any positive movement, don’t wait long to seek counseling.

To conclude, marital success and personal happiness don’t make cameo appearances in your life. You have to become aware, intentional, and disciplined to implement positive changes, making small but consistent steps. You also need to decide to be a grown up in your relationship, taking ownership of positive intentions, making it unconditional regardless what others do or don’t do. Take care of your partner, and your spouse will take care of you.

by Nadia Persun, Ph.D.

Language English

Freddie and the Four Agreements

Sara — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 17:49:42 +0000

Freddie and the Four Agreements

Sara Tue, 01/16/2018 - 11:49 Jan 16, 2018

No, I didn’t start a band. I started a resolution: to practice the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, year-round. Let me tell you about the Four Agreements. But first, let me tell you about my friend Tony. Tony’s a pretty cool guy, and he’s pretty smart. He’s the friend I seek out when I need to talk about life, and how best to live it. He’s brimming with interesting, philosophical, mind-blowing concepts. “The unexamined life is not worth living” kind of stuff, ya know? The last time we hung out, we debated Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs for a few hours and walked away feeling enlightened. Everyone should have a friend like Tony. Anyway, Tony posted about these Four Agreements on Facebook, and because I hold Tony in such high esteem, I checked ‘em out.

Here’s how the four agreement goes:

#1: Be Impeccable with Your Word Speak with integrity.

Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

I read this and immediately thought, “I want to do this. Every part of it.” For years I’ve tried to ‘underpromise and overdeliver’, but I always fail. Too often I extend myself past reasonable expectations, letting down the people who trust in me. Wouldn’t it be simpler, instead of rushing to fulfill every commitment, to be more discerning with promises in the first place? I don’t know when I started devaluing my promises, but it’s something I want to take back. And if, along the way, I can stop throwing myself under the bus and cut down those occasional bits of gossip, all the better. At first I planned only to pursue this first agreement, since I connected with it so strongly. The more I thought about it, though, the more incomplete that seemed. That’s when I decided to investigate the next three agreements:

#2: Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

#3: Don’t Make Assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstanding, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

#4: Always Do Your Best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

So there you have it, the Four Agreements. As far as resolutions go, it feels refreshing. In past years, I had giant, looming goals to complete before December 31. This year, by contrast, I just have to stay present. I’m committing to a way of living, not a finite achievement. If I fail in any given moment, it’s cool, I just have to pick myself back up and keep going. Is this easier said than done? Yes. But that’s what I’m looking forward to about the whole undertaking; to do what I say, to live proactively instead of reactively, and to keep it simple. Thanks, Tony.

by Frederick Ford Beckley

communication

arguments

habits

Language English