boundaries

Always the Strong One!

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Thu, 22 Feb 2024 22:10:10 +0000

Always the Strong One!

anny@familybri… Thu, 02/22/2024 - 16:10 Feb 22, 2024

Recently, my family and I enjoyed a weekend getaway at a lake house in Wisconsin. With three little granddaughters, Disney movies are always a must, and their choice this time was Encanto. As we watched the film together, we found ourselves discussing which character resonated with us the most. Each person shared their thoughts, with some identifying as Isabela, Miranda, the mom, and the shape shifter. When it was my turn, I realized that I identified strongly with the character of Luisa.

Growing up as the only girl among three brothers, I became accustomed to shouldering responsibilities and facing challenges head-on. It became almost second nature for my family to turn to me for solutions to various problems. I found myself putting on my problem-solving hat instinctively, without even being prompted. I carried the weight of burdens and grief for others for so long; it became an expectation, and I rose to the challenge each time.

Luisa's song, "Surface Pressure," struck a chord with me as she expressed the pressure she felt beneath the surface. Here is a section of the “Surface Pressure” song by Jessica Darrow:

Under the surface, I hide my nerves and it worsens, I worry something is gonna hurt us
Under the surface, the ship doesn't swerve as it heard how big the iceberg is
Under the surface, I think about my purpose, can I somehow preserve this?
Line up the dominoes, a light wind blows
You try to stop it tumbling, but on and on, it goes

But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectations
Would that free some room up for joy or relaxation, or simple pleasure?
Instead, we measure this growing pressure
Keeps growing, keep going
'Cause all we know is

The constant expectation to be strong for everyone can be incredibly draining. Whether it's being the pillar of strength for family members, maintaining composure in professional settings, or navigating the complexities of relationships, the burden feels unrelenting.

Despite honing my problem-solving skills over the years, one invaluable lesson I've learned is to always start by asking two crucial questions: "What should I do?" and "Whose problem is it anyway?"

While our intentions to help and protect are noble, sometimes intervening without first identifying the problem and its rightful owner can prove counterproductive and worsen the situation. Conversely, solving problems on behalf of others may unintentionally foster dependency, hindering their growth in resilience and self-reliance.

By discerning who truly owns the problem, we can alleviate stress and empower individuals to confront and resolve their own challenges. It's about listening, providing guidance, and offering support without overshadowing their agency to find solutions.

In navigating life's complexities, embracing strength amidst pressure requires not only resilience but also the wisdom to recognize when to step back and empower others to navigate their own paths.

So to answer Luisa's question in the song, “Would that free some room up for joy or relaxation, or simple pleasure?” ABSOLUTELY!

Reflection Questions:

How has your upbringing or family dynamics influenced your approach to handling challenges and responsibilities?
Describe a situation where you felt the need to step in and solve someone else's problem. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?
Have you ever experienced pressure to maintain a facade of strength or competence, even when feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable? How did you cope with it?
Discuss the balance between providing support and enabling dependence in relationships, as highlighted in the article.

by Omaira Gonzalez

stress

relationships

boundaries

Language English

Compassion Fatigue and Burnout

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Tue, 15 Nov 2022 19:40:38 +0000

Compassion Fatigue and Burnout

anny@familybri… Tue, 11/15/2022 - 13:40 Nov 15, 2022

I went to Colorado with my husband and some friends a few months ago. We decided to visit Broadmoor Seven Falls. It is a stunning waterfall with a 181-foot drop. Part of the experience is climbing the 224 steps that lead to the hiking trails. At first glance, it looked easy enough. I have hiked before, and I felt in great shape for this. We began climbing the steps that felt small at times, and the pathway going up and down was narrow. As we kept going up, I could feel the strain on my legs; they wanted to give out. I began to experience fatigue and shortness of breath, and my heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. Luckily, in the middle of the climb, there was a little resting area where you could stop to catch your breath. We proceeded, and when I finally reached the top, I plopped myself on a rock. My heart was pounding hard and fast, I was having difficulty breathing, and I felt lightheaded. I wondered, “Could this be a heart attack?” Sitting on the rock, I practiced relaxation techniques and remained calm until I gathered my strength to head back down and skip the hike. As I made my way down the mountain, I found a resting area, and little by little, my heart rate went back to normal. I could not understand what had happened because my husband and I had taken long and strenuous hikes in the past. Thank God for those designated areas that allow you to stop and give yourself a moment to pause and rest.

Like the experience above, I have also experienced another type of fatigue. Some may know it as compassion fatigue. In less than two years, I have grieved the loss of 3 family members and have become the caregiver of my parents and older brother while taking care of my own family and continuing to work and serve. These different roles have all been extensive and demanding. As a result, I began to serve beyond my capacity and developed compassion fatigue. Interestingly, I did not realize I was in that state until recently when I went on a sabbatical and took the time to replenish and take care of myself first. As a result, I had a chance to pause, grieve, and rest.

During my sabbatical, I was able to reflect on a few questions.

Is what I am doing sustainable for the amount of time required?
What can I make happen, and what can I not?
Could I continue to give in this way?
What changes do I need to make?
What boundaries or limits do I need to put in place?
What expectations do I have?
And most importantly, what support do I need?

Remembering my experience at Broadmoor Seven falls, the climb felt difficult, even painful, but there were moments of rest and times to replenish as needed. Even professional caregivers give 8 hours of their time and then go home.

Establishing boundaries and protective measures is vital to avoid compassion fatigue and burnout. For example, my technician wears a mask and gloves when I go for a facial. She still provides excellent care and service, but she protects herself. She cannot allow her caregiving service to make her sick, unsafe, or unsanitary. I needed to do the same, still serve, still deliver but not before putting those protective measures in place.

As we serve others, we can experience burnout or compassion fatigue. Fatigue has limits that if not addressed on time, will run you down. How can you avoid burnout and fatigue? Establish healthy limits!

Clarify your role in the situation. Know what you are willing to do and not do. Whether in your job or with a family member, it is essential to be clear about what you are ready to sacrifice and what you will not.
Be clear about your expectations. What is within your reach and what is not? For that which is outside of your reach, seek support and ask for help.
Build your community. Attach yourself to a network of people who can support you—a church, community, or a friend that can give an hour of their time here and there.
Practice mindfulness. You may not be able to take a sabbatical, but consider the little things you can implement daily. For example, consider taking time off, taking a short trip, going for a short walk, reading a good book, or meeting up with friends over coffee. Find that one healthy habit you can add to your life that will help you manage stress and burnout.

I have struggled with wanting to do things by myself, but life has taught me many difficult lessons about choosing this path. For example, I didn’t mention at the start of my story that my friend was climbing the stairs alongside me. She began to notice that I was turning pale, had difficulty breathing, and realized I was in danger. She suggested (not I) that we go back and accompanied me down all those steps. If she had not been there, I probably wouldn’t have said anything, put a smile on my face, and kept going on the hike, knowing very well that my body was sounding all kinds of alarms to warn me that something was wrong. Unfortunately, I grew up with a script in my head that told me to tough it out, not complain, and not show weakness. Well, it was time for me to reverse-engineer my thinking and script by reminding myself that my body, too, has its limitations and that self-care is not selfish. I had to become aware of the unhealthy patterns I kept repeating, make incremental changes, and develop healthier habits. It can be challenging to love the people in your life well if you do not love yourself. Listen to your body (lack of sleep, energy loss, fatigue, headaches, etc.), and do not ignore the signs. Stop…rest…replenish!

Recognizing the dangers of compassion fatigue or burnout is essential, and if ignored, it can lead to a sense of begrudging compliance with your responsibilities. However, do not let the threat of fatigue rob you of the joy of generosity, service, and compassion. Just set the limits.

by Omaira Gonzalez

boundaries

work-life balance

stress

Language English

Did I Really Talk to My Mother That Way?

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Fri, 02 Sep 2022 18:42:26 +0000

Did I Really Talk to My Mother That Way?

anny@familybri… Fri, 09/02/2022 - 13:42 Sep 2, 2022

As a child, I used to believe that my mother had supernatural powers. Just imagine, all it took was one firm look and a raise of her pointer finger and I knew that meant “get my act together.” She never used her words, her body language would say it all. Can you relate? She was the matriarch of the family, a strong woman, who was a disciplinarian and yet always caring for others, helping friends, family, and her community…a strong pillar. She raised us with Christian values and made sure we went to church 2 or 3 times a week. So it is natural that when she was diagnosed with cancer, I would be there for her. It was my turn to repay all the love she poured into us by showing up and supporting her through a very difficult time. What I did not anticipate was that I would also find myself taking care of my older half-brother. I honestly wish I could say that I found joy in that, but I didn’t. He was difficult and extremely challenging. I thought many times about the verse…

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' there is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31

That commandment is easy to follow when the person is easy to love…but it is very hard to love someone who makes it nearly impossible. And yet that is exactly what God commands us to do. A year of traveling back and forth to offer support and care for my mother, while at the same time dealing with my brother began to weigh down on me. As my mother began to win her fight against cancer, my brother became more and more difficult. I had begun to experience more frequent headaches, sleepless nights, and asthma flare-ups. What was my body telling me? It had reached its limit. Then I was reminded of the word “BOUNDARIES.” Of course, I should know this, but I was so caught up doing, doing, and doing that I forgot to set my boundaries. That “aha” moment got me to reflect on questions such as:

Why do I feel the way I do about this situation? Emotionally, physically, mentally?
What assumptions have I been making? Am I alone in this? Or have I chosen to do this alone?
What am I willing to do for the other person and where do I draw the line? How clear have I been about this to them?
How is this affecting me? How am I treating others because of this?

After spending time getting clarity, I began to take necessary measures. It begins with having a difficult conversation with the matriarch of my family...my mom. She has always protected my older brother and does not take kindly to people complaining about him. However, I pressed on and shared my feelings, steering clear from blaming or judging and only focusing on my ask. I was specific and clear about what I was willing to do and what I would not do. Yikes…did I just say that to my mother? At first, I assumed that she would respond by giving me a stern look and raising her pointer finger, but in truth, as difficult as it was for her to hear, she listened, understood, and validated me. It was a challenging conversation, however, being clear about my ask allowed me to stay focused. Clarity can help you define where you are and what destination you want to get to. If you don’t know where you are in the present, then how can your internal GPS help you get to where you need to be?

The next task wasn’t so tough because I had mustered so much anger already that I figured I would go in there and give my brother a piece of my mind….then I remembered the verse 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Ugh, not so easy now…God was asking me to do something very difficult. So there I go, taking time to clear my head “AGAIN!” This is a very important step because if our emotions are driving us, then the outcomes will be less favorable. While the conversation was stern and much more direct, I stayed away from tones that might make him feel shamed or mistreated. In the end, I was able to articulate what my boundaries are and how I would protect those. I wish I could say it worked, but he continues to challenge those boundaries at times. The truth is that having that talk was more for me than for my mother or my brother. Being clear about my boundaries helps me stay on course and accountable. I moved forward…got unstuck. I was able to dig myself out of that place of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I was able to trade out the lens that made me see things in a negative light for a lens that lets me see God’s grace in this whole situation.

Having a difficult conversation with your family can sometimes be daunting and challenging, but choosing not to have them can sever the relationship while hurting yourself along the way. If you want to learn more about how to have tough conversations that can get you the results you want, click here to watch a video from our Casademia online learning platform.

We would love to connect with you! Click here to schedule an appointment.

by Omaira Gonzalez

conflict

mothers

boundaries

communication

Language English

Setting boundaries

Sara — Tue, 25 Aug 2020 14:37:02 +0000

Setting boundaries

About this episode

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you let them. You have to work at protecting your privacy. This means protecting your couple time by having regular date nights. Tune in to gain some insight on how to set boundaries.

Sara Tue, 08/25/2020 - 09:37 https://soundcloud.com/familybridgesusa/setting-boundaries

Soundcloud Embed

25 August 2020

Eduardo Morales Guest Speaker

Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D. Founder & CEO

Omar Ramos Host

Veronica Avila Co-Host

Podcast Series

The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting

Additional Info

RECAP

Boundaries within the family are important. For example, putting children to bed consistently at a reasonable time every evening is not only good for their development but it also gives you some breathing room for you to enjoy some free time or take time to talk with your spouse. Honoring time with your spouse is another way you can create boundaries that help you keep your romantic life alive. Date your spouse. When you do so, you’ll create moments when you can talk. These moments also create opportunities for you to grow in intimacy with one another. Managing children is taxing and it is easy to neglect your romantic life. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you let them. You have to work at protecting your privacy. This means protecting your couple time by having regular date nights.

CONVERSATION

What boundaries do you think you need to put in place to help protect your time with your spouse?

THIS WEEK'S ACTION

Schedule a date night with your spouse this month. During the date night, talk about a common goal you both share or that you both would like to engage in (i.e., take a dance class together, learn a new sport/hobby together, or serve together in a charity or ministry you both feel passionate about).

TOOLS

The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.

Podcast season

Love Spills Over: It's About the Parent's Relationship

Date night

If you want to keep your marriage alive, you must make date night a priority. Plus, having a strong marriage shows your kids that a...

Listen to Episode

Setting boundaries

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you...

Listen to Episode

Spend time wisely

As parents, we want the best for our children. Which means we spend and focus most of our time on them. The problem is that...

Listen to Episode

Parent burnout

When spouses are not getting their love needs met by each other, partly because they’re attending to the demands of their children, each partner will...

Listen to Episode

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Lessons Learned From Ray Rice

fbusacmsadmin — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 15:20:12 +0000

Lessons Learned From Ray Rice

fbusacmsadmin Fri, 09/12/2014 - 10:20 Sep 12, 2014

There are a lot of take aways from the Ray Rice story taking the internet by storm. It took seven months for the video of Ray Rice punching his now-wife to become public.

Lesson learned: Secrets eventually make their way to the public light and efforts to submerge them only make the situations surrounding them more corrupt.

His wife reveals feeling a sense of shame and false guilt since the situation has cost him his job. Lesson learned: For many domestic violence victims bringing justice to a spouse rightly accused of wrong is full of complicated feelings and consequences impacting not only the aggressor but the victim as well.

People are responding strongly wondering why Rice’s wife stayed in an abusive relationship. Lesson learned: Domestic violence is about power and control and victims are trapped in these relationships by powerful drives such as fear, love, economic constraints, immigration status and children. Victims who do leave abusive relationships often face greater homicidal risks. Thus, picking up your bags and walking away is not as easy as it seems.

Others are equally upset at the NFL for their swift dismissal of Ray Rice hoping they would have dealt with the situation with more grace. Lesson Learned: Such tacit acceptance of aggression and abuse is alarming, providing a picture of a nation that is becoming increasingly tolerant of violence. Much still needs to be done with regards to the prevalence of domestic violence and how to intervene and prevent it.

In all of this, questions beg to be asked… What conditions foster so much aggression in a person and what conditions lead a victim to feel guilty for the abuse she endured? After all, isn’t the aggressor the one who should feel guilty? The questions are complex and this is why experts in the domestic violence preventative movement have dedicated much research, intervention models, and policy advocacy to address the problem in comprehensive ways. And it is not enough. We cannot leave up to the experts to solve the problem of violence, as this video only draws attention to what many of us in the helping field have already witnessed as a huge problem in our midst – aggression and violence are insidiously creeping up in our neighborhoods, backyards, playgrounds and homes.

Each parent and each spouse needs to also be involved by:

Enforcing boundaries. Violence is widely promoted in media that is heavily consumed by our children. Music, video games and movies can promote a spirit of tolerance towards violence. Letting our children be raised by these agents without enforcing some boundaries certainly promotes a spirit of violence. We are people who model and copy what we see. Children will copy what they see. And as children grow and become adults, aggressive behavior can become an entrenched habit.
Bringing awareness of domestic violence. Many victims endure a lifestyle of terrorism in their own homes. Become aware about the many resources that are available and provide these referrals to your own network of friends or colleagues who find themselves in similar situations. Seek help yourself if you are currently in a violent relationship. And if you are not in a violent relationship with your spouse but you have become increasingly aggressive and conflictual in your marriage, seek help and support (http://www.thehotline.org/). Every couple will fight; everyone in a relationship will hurt each other; but every couple will not become physically, verbally or sexually aggressive towards each other. Happy couples will repair or seek to reconcile with one another.
Knowing your Emotional IQ. Much can be prevented if we all had more awareness about our emotions and what was going on inside of us before imploding or exploding. This starts early. As children learn to be aware of their feelings and how to cope with them, they will be in a better position to negotiate, problem-solve, and work things out as they grow into their adolescent years and adulthood. If children continue to work out their feelings by having temper tantrums – these tantrums will continue way into adulthood. In the same way we are adamant that our children learn their ABC’s, lets also teach our children about their feelings and how to cope with them early on.
Promoting healthy marriages and active fatherhood involvement. When two parents are actively involved in the lives of their children, children have a greater chance of feeling a sense of connection, a sense of being valued, and a sense of love. This positive and secure attachment helps kids feel internally at peace and less likely to enter into risky behaviors that lead them to a lifestyle of violence and delinquency. The key here is healthy. Children raised in homes where verbal abuse and physical violence are a day-to-day reality are in no way better off simply because both parents are present. Kids need healthy environments.

boundaries

domestic violence

relationships

Language English

Just Say No

fbusacmsadmin — Fri, 11 Jul 2014 21:56:48 +0000

Just Say No

fbusacmsadmin Fri, 07/11/2014 - 16:56 Jul 11, 2014

Do you all remember the anti-drug PSA from the 80s with the egg frying on the pan – “this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs”? (If not, please educate yourself RIGHT HERE).

This blog isn’t about drugs, though, it’s about boundaries. (For the record, drugs are bad for you. Just say no. Boundaries, on the other hand, are really good. Just say yes.) I will, however, be using a version of the egg analogy because the effect is pretty much the same. For my visual learners, this is your brain with boundaries

and without boundaries…

See the difference?

When you have boundaries in your life, you are more likely to maintain your sanity. I’m not saying that you won’t experience circumstances that do inevitably fry your brain a little, but boundaries allow you to stay intact. Plus, they are essential to having a healthy relationship and a healthy life. No boundaries, on the other hand, just scramble your brain. And while I do prefer my eggs scrambled, I would rather keep my brain in one piece.

So what can you do to keep yourself sunny side up? Here are a few tips:

Name your limits

What are your absolutes? You need to identify those things that you can accept and those that you will not tolerate so you can clearly name your limits.

Declutter

Right along with naming your limits, identify what things you can do without. What areas in your life are driving you insane and starting to mix your brains more than you like? Get rid of it.

Be direct

Some people live in their own world and have no idea that they’re crossing your line. Other people don’t share the same values, views, personality, etc. as you and their boundaries may be completely different. Be direct about your boundaries and let others know what’s ok and what isn’t.

Give yourself permission

It’s okay to say no. You shouldn’t feel guilty about setting boundaries; they are healthy for you, your relationships, and show that you have self-respect.

Start small

If saying no totally freaks you out, then start small. What’s one area that is non-threatening to you where you can start setting limits? There you have it.

These are just a few ideas to get you started. I’m sure some psychologist out there has this down to a 12-step program, and if you’re going through some serious problems, it may not be a bad idea to see one. But if you’re like me and a bunch of other people I know, you may encounter situations in your life where you honestly feel like your brain is getting scrambled past well done. Sometimes we need to step back, think about what we’re comfortable with, say thank you but no thank you, and move on. Just say no to scrambled brains!

by Sarah Pichardo

boundaries

mental health

Language English

boundaries

Always the Strong One!

But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectations Would that free some room up for joy or relaxation, or simple pleasure? Instead, we measure this growing pressure Keeps growing, keep going 'Cause all we know is

Reflection Questions:

Compassion Fatigue and Burnout

Just Say No

Compassion Fatigue and Burnout

Raising compassionate children

Setting boundaries

Did I Really Talk to My Mother That Way?

How to be a Better Communicator

Setting boundaries

Setting boundaries

RECAP

CONVERSATION

THIS WEEK'S ACTION

TOOLS

Date night

Setting boundaries

Spend time wisely

Parent burnout

Lessons Learned From Ray Rice

Just Say No

Name your limits

Declutter

Be direct

Give yourself permission

Start small

Setting boundaries

But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectations
Would that free some room up for joy or relaxation, or simple pleasure?
Instead, we measure this growing pressure
Keeps growing, keep going
'Cause all we know is