forgiveness

When You Don't Want to Forgive

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Wed, 08 Mar 2023 01:53:34 +0000

When You Don't Want to Forgive

anny@familybri… Tue, 03/07/2023 - 19:53 Mar 7, 2023

“I don’t know if I am an optimist, I mean, I haven’t really had anything terrible happen to me.” My husband and I exchanged glances as we listened to our 13-year old son’s assessment about whether or not he’s an optimist.

The last five months have been a bit of an ordeal in our home as my son has had to go on a very restrictive diet due to a candida yeast, which took a hold after he was on some antibiotics last Fall. Candida thrives on sugar so it has meant our family has had our lives turned upside down as we figured out how to satiate the hunger of a growing 13-year old without carbs.

At first, I responded a bit dismissively, not fully registering the complications of the situation and assuming some topicals and a “little diet” would take care of the issue. Months later after trying one medicine after another along with some recommended herbal/natural treatments with little to no improvement, the gravity of the situation began to sink in. One day, I was advocating for adding more creative foods to the diet while my husband remained adamant about sticking to the strict diet given the research he had done. As our discussion ended in a gridlock, I went for a hike to let out some steam. As I turned the situation over in my head, I initially slid into the typical self-righteous dialogue that reinforced how right I was and how wrong my husband was. In fact, I recall thinking to myself, “Oh no, this time, there is no way I am apologizing.” Except this time, as these thoughts sought to harden my heart, they were met by the scriptures. Verses from a sermon I had recently listened to came to mind,

“ A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45

“Okay, you win,” I relented to God and began the hard work of sifting through the frustration and anger that was simmering in my heart. After taking a moment to let myself feel how unsettling everything had been and venting about losing a sense of control, I was able to let go of my defenses. There are at least 10 defensive mechanisms psychologists have identified that shed light on why it's so tough for us to work through the pain we experience (e.g., denial, repression, rationalization, ignoring, avoiding and so on). Humans are experts at avoiding pain.

If you can push past this resistance and allow yourself to face the pain you’re experiencing, you can then surrender the pain to the cross and begin the healing process. The second hard task requires you to be merciful with yourself and with your loved ones. When you're angry, upset, and feeling self-absorbed, it's so hard to turn over a new leaf and consider what the other person is going through, what their pain points are, and where they’re coming from.

Even though my heart was not in it, I decided to listen to the Holy Spirit and to follow my own advice. So I turned my back on my pride and considered where my husband was coming from. Just asking myself the question, “How does he see it?” opened up my frame of mind. It took my focus away from myself and allowed me to see a bigger picture that softened my heart.

Instead of trying to make winning arguments, we listened to each other’s stories. When my husband was five years old he was hospitalized for 10 months and at the time, out of an abundance of caution, his pregnant mother did not come to visit him. Seeing our son go through an illness that escaped his ability to fix the situation resurfaced the heightened sense of helplessness, abandonment and fear he experienced as a child. Once we could appreciate the motivation behind the responses we each had, forgiveness came easily and we were able to strategize and get back to working together as a team. We fell into a healthier rhythm and could extend a generous helping of grace towards one another.

Couples do this. They pull away from each other in a rebellious urge to exercise some independence of thought and ideas, and to de-escalate from the intensity of the moment. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Actually, it's good to air out differences and we encourage couples to take a time-out before things escalate or get out of hand. However, what we do when we take a break matters. If we let bitterness take root in our hearts, it can lead to contempt. If we frequently run to other things that offer an “escape” for a moment and fail to deal with the issue at all, we create dividing walls between us and our loved ones and can even develop addictions and entrenched behaviors that leave us feeling trapped. This pattern of behavior leads to self-isolation and further alienation from those we love. Deciding to come together is a journey that requires us to put our egos aside and that process isn’t easy. Thankfully, Christ has already shown us the way, “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). What a relief it is to know that we don’t have to do this alone! We can go to God to carry the burden for us and rely on him to carve a beautiful path through the hardship.

The joy we experience together as a family today is something I am deeply grateful for. I am blessed to have a loving husband who is supportive in our ministry and family life in many practical ways. These moments of contentment and peace have flowed out of daily decisions to live out the marriage covenant in a way that is honoring to God. It is not something that just happens on its own. In fact, our natural tendency is to pull away and live for the self, not to be united in mind and of one accord.

We need lots of reminders along the way to stay on course. We’ve been incredibly blessed to have these reminders sprinkled throughout our marriage by attending couples retreats, participating in small groups with other couples where we can pray with one another and hold each other up, and by serving together.

I don’t know what challenging situation(s) you may be going through right now, but I do know seasons come and go and yet one thing remains constant—Christ is ever before us.

I hope you’ll take some time to check out some of the resources and ideas listed below to help you grow in your faith and marriage this season:

Featured Resources:

Couples Workshops & Small Groups: Commit to doing life with other couples. I recently met with a group of volunteers trained under our AVANCE program who have been meeting and serving together for five years. They shared how their community had helped them stay married, stay encouraged, and stay hopeful. There are many ministries and programs, like AVANCE, that equip leaders and provide support to help churches launch a sustainable and flourishing marriage and family ministry. And these programs work. In fact, a recently completed five year study of AVANCE showed that participants who participated in all six of the program offerings experienced a 12.6% increase in their marital health and satisfaction. I hope you’ll reach out to us to learn about some of our options or to launch a group in your community if you don’t already have one. You can start a group in your neighborhood, church, kids school and even at your place of work.

Getaways: Family Life has many couples getaways throughout the year where you can take some time to be enriched in your marriage. And now, there are 9 retreats available in Spanish! Check it out HERE.

Featured Book: Check out the new book just released by Shaunti Feldhan and Dr. Michael Sytsma on the secrets of sex and marriage. In fact, if you are in the Chicagoland area, you can listen to Shaunti Feldhan in person at our May 23rd event. Click HERE to learn more or register for this event.

Streaming: Watch some movies together. In fact, one study has shown that simply watching movies and incorporating a discussion about the relationship dynamics of the couples on screen can have very positive effects on your marriage. Don’t know what to watch? Start by streaming The Chosen. Season 3 includes some riveting scenes centered around a few of the hard issues couples often face. Check it out.

Counseling: Reach out to us for counseling referrals or to participate in an intensive couples retreat.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

conflict

forgiveness

compromise

marriage

faith

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Knowing What You Want in Your Relationship

Sara — Mon, 15 Apr 2019 08:31:04 +0000

Knowing What You Want in Your Relationship

Sara Mon, 04/15/2019 - 03:31 Apr 15, 2019

It only takes one minute to make a big difference in your relationship. Let me explain. A few years ago, as I was getting in my car getting ready to head out to work, I remembered that my husband's birthday was just around the corner. As I was backing out of the driveway, I battled internally on whether or not I should bother to celebrate it. You see, I was a little on the bitter side because on a previous holiday he had failed to be the romantic and get me flowers, a card and make the day special. So I thought to myself, “he didn’t bother, so why should I?” Thankfully, I came to my senses and realized that in doing so I would only accomplish to draw us apart and nothing else. I re-aligned and decided that I would be generous instead.

The decision to turn towards my husband instead of away took only but a minute as I had only just reached the stop sign at the end of my street. I immediately started to entertain ideas of what it would look like to do something special. My heart changed. As I thought of what would be fun to do for my husband, my initial apprehension got washed away and was replaced with anticipation. And all it took was a minute. An intentional minute.

In marriage, the struggle is real. There's no denying it. Each of us has needs. We want to be valued and loved, and when we don’t feel this from our spouse, we recoil and get all bent out of shape. Except, that instead of saying it like it is, we dance around the issues, we put up walls, we play games and get mad. What if I had just been upfront with my husband and had told him that I was disappointed that he didn't celebrate Valentine's Day the way I wish he had? What if I would have been very clear about what I wanted? The bitterness would not have created a cozy corner in my heart that could creep up as a dagger to use against him.

If we want to keep our relationships healthy, we need to know what we want, say what we want, and forgive each other with a huge helping of patience and grace.

What do you want?

Do you even know what you want? Take some time to dig deep and ask yourself "What is it that I long for?" We can’t be clear to our spouses about what we need when we don’t know what we need. Go for a jog or a long car ride, take a hot bath, and while you do those things, turn off the noise and let yourself think clearly about what you are searching for.

Ask for what you want

It doesn’t matter that you have been married for 40 years and you know each other super well. Stop playing mind games. Just say what you want. Be clear, be specific, don’t talk in circles. Say something like, “I’d like for us to go out to dinner at the new Italian restaurant that opened up this Saturday evening.” Don't misunderstand me, asking for what you want doesn't guarantee getting what you want; however, it will make it easier to negotiate and move forward.

Forgive generously

Guess what? Your spouse will irritate you, disappoint you, annoy you, and make you feel very angry at times. You have different personalities, cultural backgrounds, experiences, ways of viewing the world. One of you will arrive on time to places, and the other may always be late. Sure, you can choose to recoil in bitterness and feed the anger, but that will only lead to contempt, which will lead to a lack of intimacy and separation. Or you can choose to forgive and be generous.

It so happened that I ended up getting my husband a bike. Knowing my husband is very cost conscious, I got him a used bike. I did a lot of research and found a guy that refurbished top-of-the-line bikes. The funny thing is that as I researched and called places, I was acting suspiciously to my husband. As soon as the phone rang, I would quickly pick it up. I was walking out of the room to have calls that seemed somewhat secretive. My husband started to become uneasy and entertain thoughts that put him on the alert. The day of his birthday, when I revealed the gift. He laughed in delight. He had become wary about my secretiveness. He also came to understand the value of speaking up and not letting ideas fester.

Assumptions can sabotage the relationships in your life. Recognize what you need, speak up about what you need, and forgive often.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

relationships

marriage

couples

forgiveness

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The Prodigal Dad, the Forgiving Son

Sara — Thu, 15 Mar 2018 19:40:17 +0000

The Prodigal Dad, the Forgiving SonSara Thu, 03/15/2018 - 14:40 Mar 15, 2018

Contributed by Eduardo Morales

My heart was pumping. I started to get all warm inside. It was that feeling you get when you know the Holy Spirit is prompting you to respond at that very moment. “Bold Steps, who in here needs to take a bold step?!” the pastor was challenging all of the men from the stage. His voice was easily drowned out by the sound of my heartbeat. “Why did I need to do this now God? At this moment? In front of all these men? I am going look weak! Lord, I can just talk to my father when I’m at home, why do I need to do this here?!!!” That was the dialogue that was going through my head. By that time several men had already taken the stage to take of the challenge and take their bold steps. Six years prior I was left awestruck, confused, hurt, scarred, broken. My dad walked out on my mom, brother and I. Fortunately, for me I was able to cope by going away to college. It was my form of escape. I wasn’t at the house, I didn’t know what was going on, and didn’t know how deep this cut was for my family. I knew one thing though, I had lost all respect for my father. The hard-working, strict, “do whatever I can to help and provide for my family” man I once knew, I wanted nothing to do with. “Why Dad? Why are you coming here? Why do you want to be around?” I couldn’t really grasp much of it in the moment, but my response was reject and ignore and try my best to forget. I knew I needed to take a bold step and forgive my father. I needed to choose to put my pain behind me, so that our relationship could be mended, healed, restored. I started walking towards the front, gently pushing past all the men that crowded near the stage. I didn’t want to be up there; but I needed to be. “Is there anybody else that needs to take a bold step today?” that pastor said again. I stood by the steps and finally walked up. “And what bold step are you taking today?” he said. In a very shaky voice I said, “I need to share something with my father. I need to forgive him.” Turning his gaze to the sea of men before us the pastor shouted, “where is he at, let’s bring him up on stage…” He wasn’t even in the room. “Seriously!!! Now I really look like a fool,” I told God in my head. They literally sent a search crew to find him and I waited up on the stage until someone finally found him. “I knew I should’ve just waited until we got home,” I said to myself. I got used to my dad not being around. I took shelter in my achievements, my dating relationship at the time, even to a small extent drugs, alcohol, and gambling. Although he chose to be absent for a time of my life, didn’t change the fact that he was still my father and I was his son. I didn’t want to continue journeying life trying to figure things out on my own. I wanted that relationship. I needed that relationship. Some seasons in life had been activated a bit prematurely. The king left the household, so the prince had to take over to a position he was unfamiliar with, a position that he was not yet equipped to handle. “We found him!” someone shouted in the back. He came to the stage with a sense of urgency. “Your son has something that he wants to share with you…” and with that the pastor handed me the microphone. “Dad, I just want to tell you that I love you very much…”(my eyes started watering,) “…I asked you to come up here, because I need to take a bold step. I need to forgive you for everything that has happened in our past. I don’t want the enemy to hold you in a guilty position anymore. I choose today dad to put the last six years behind me.” At that point I was sobbing. My father grabbed me and we shared a moment, as we embraced in one of the biggest hugs I ever gave him, I felt freed, I felt released. In that moment, the string of hurt, betrayal, abandonment all melted away. I felt the power of release and the freedom of forgiveness. I had several men approach me and tell me how impactful that moment was for them. I felt like the Lord showed me that that moment wasn’t just for you, it was so all those men in that room could see what a real-life, sincere act of forgiveness looked like. Our relationship has changed in such a positive and drastic way since. I believe that choosing to forgive can be a vulnerable and risky thing, but learning how to forgive and applying it to our relationships is an integral act. Forgiveness frees, unforgiveness entangles and hinders. We must learn to forgive, as he has forgiven us.

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