forgiveness

When Did "Boundaries" Become "Goodbye Forever"?

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Mon, 01 Jun 2026 16:13:15 +0000

When Did "Boundaries" Become "Goodbye Forever"?

anny@familybri… Mon, 06/01/2026 - 11:13 Jun 1, 2026

I often go back and think about my caregiving season with both of my parents. The sacrifices, and long days, filled with quiet moments of doubt. I wonder sometimes: was it worth it? I'll come back to that answer.

But first, I need to address something I've been sitting with for a while. There's a growing trend where people are opting out of relationships with their parents or family members entirely, what many call "going no contact." And I'll be honest with you: I can't say I fully agree with it.

Before you fire off a strongly-worded email, hear me out. This is not a dismissal of anyone's pain. I know that some people have walked through genuinely devastating seasons at the hands of the very people who were supposed to love them. That is real, and I don't take it lightly. This is simply my perspective, shaped by my own experiences and the decisions I've had to make along the way.

My parents were not perfect people.
Not even close. But they were two people doing their very best under the weight of circumstances that would have broken many of us.

My mother was physically and verbally abused by her own father. And then, as if following a painful script she never chose, she found herself in relationship after relationship where abuse was the common thread. By the time she became a mother, my mother, she parented from a place of fear. That fear often looked like control, and like authority. But underneath it, she was trying to protect me from the same evils she had survived. In her heart, that was love.

Then there's my father, who lost his mother when he was just two years old. He grew up without that foundational warmth, carrying a quiet sense of being unwanted and rejected. Now put these two people together, and you don't exactly get a fairy tale. What you get are two survivors, whose lives were painted in colors that stained every lens through which they saw the world.

Yet they did the best they could, and I admire them for that. Because if I had chosen to see only the negative, I would have missed everything in them that was worth holding onto.

Did I go through seasons of anger? Absolutely. Did I blame them for some of my outcomes? Of course I did. But here's the thing, those were still my outcomes, born from my decisions. Blaming them was always easier than owning my part. Grace has a way of requiring something from us too.

I remember when tough love was just life.
Family was family, messy, loud, very loud, sometimes bruising, but you showed up. You fought together, laughed together, and found your way back to each other. The idea of cutting off family completely would have been unthinkable. Because even a dysfunctional family shapes you. For better and for worse, it shapes you.

And that brings me to the word I keep coming back to: grace.

I've had to ask myself hard questions about grace. Because it's easy to want it and much harder to give it. We are quick to ask for it for ourselves. We expect the people who love us to extend it generously. But somewhere along the way, offering it to others, especially to our parents with all their wounds and failures, has become something people aren't sure they owe anymore.

I think about my own children when I sit with this. I know I have not always been the best version of myself. Neither have they. But we extended grace in those seasons because love requires it, and I hope, with everything in me, that they would always do the same for me.

There is also something deeply spiritual in this for me. Scripture instructs us to honor our mothers and fathers. I believe in boundaries, real ones, healthy ones. But you can hold a boundary and still hold honor. The two are not mutually exclusive.

So here is the question I keep coming back to.
Why aren't we talking more about conflict resolution? Why, when relationships get hard, does disconnection get handed to us as the answer before we've even tried to work through it?

I wonder if part of what's driving the no-contact movement isn't just unresolved pain. I wonder if it's that no one ever taught us how to navigate conflict in the first place. And when we don't have those tools, we reach for distance. And distance, over time, can become permanent.

Look at what's happening around us. We are seeing a rise in gun violence. A rise in isolation and disconnect. Relationships, families, communities, entire generations, fracturing at the seams. It feels like a disease, infectious, and if left untreated, its end result is the slow destruction of the very relationships and unity we were designed to have.

What grieves me most is this: I believe we are fighting the wrong enemy.

I wonder if sometimes the real battle isn't with the people who hurt us, but with the unresolved pain that never got a name or a place to go. So instead of facing it, we flee from it. We cut it off, and we wonder why it doesn't feel like healing.

Because shutting the door on the thing that hurt you doesn't make it disappear. It shows up somewhere else, in your next relationship, in your parenting, in the walls around your heart that keep getting thicker. Silence doesn't heal wounds, it just relocates them. What if there was a better way?

The numbers tell a story we can't ignore.

A 2025 YouGov poll found that nearly 4 in 10 Americans no longer have a relationship with one or more immediate family members. And the trend is sharpest among the youngest generation, with 60% of Gen Z reporting they have gone no contact, compared to just 20% of baby boomers. Knowable Magazine The Week

So the question worth sitting with is: why? Because the pain is real, but I don't think pain alone explains all of it.

Part of it is cultural. We live in a world that has quietly sold us the idea that difficulty has no place in our lives. We have one-click everything. We cancel subscriptions, unfollow accounts, and mute people with a tap. Then slowly, without realizing it, we have started applying that same logic to relationships. If it's hard, opt out. If it hurts, leave. If it costs you something, you deserve better. That mindset erodes the very things healthy relationships require: resilience, perseverance, and a willingness to do the work even when it's uncomfortable. Patience, forgiveness, and compassion are not soft suggestions. They are the load-bearing walls of any lasting connection. Indrosphere

Part of it is also something deeper. I once heard someone say that so many of our relational problems trace back to one belief: that people are basically good. And if I am basically good, then I don't feel the urgency to grow or change. The problem is always the other person. And if the problem is always the other person, removing them feels like the solution. It is a lens worth considering. Because when we stop asking "what is my part in this," we stop growing. And growth requires us to push through resistance, not walk away from it.

This is why the FACE Model matters.
It is a framework we use at Family Bridges with couples, young adults, and even children to help identify conflict and actually work through it. You can learn more about that work at familybridgesusa.org. Conflict resolution is a skill, and like any skill, it has to be learned, practiced, and passed down. The FACE Model gives people language for the moments when emotion takes over and words fail.

So what does FACE actually mean?

F is for Feelings. What am I actually feeling, and why do I feel this way? Most of us have never been taught to slow down long enough to honestly answer that. We react before we reflect. But when you can name what you're feeling and trace it back to its root, you stop being controlled by it. You start to see it clearly.

A is for Assumptions. This is where it gets real. Every one of us has a story we've been telling ourselves, sometimes for years, sometimes for decades. A script on repeat that feeds the feelings. Maybe it's "I will never be good enough for them." Maybe it's "they never really loved me." Those assumptions quietly shape how we interpret every interaction, every silence, every tone of voice. Until we examine the story, we keep living inside it as if it were fact.

C is for Comeback. This is the mirror nobody wants to look into. How are the people around you responding to the way you are showing up? Is your sarcasm creating distance? Is your silence pushing people away? The comeback isn't about blame. It's about honest self-awareness, because sometimes what frustrates us most in our relationships is a direct reflection of how we've been responding to our own unresolved pain.

E is for Effect. Unresolved conflict doesn't just live in your relationships. It lives in your body, your habits, your coping. It shows up as addiction, binge watching, sulking, overeating, isolation, or an anger that seems out of proportion. The effect is the evidence that something underneath needs attention. And once you can see it for what it is, you can begin to make a different choice.

The FACE Model doesn't promise that every relationship can be fully restored. But it does offer something most of us were never given: a way to understand ourselves more honestly so that we can show up in our relationships more intentionally. That is where healing actually starts, not in the cutting off, but in the facing.

We have to push past the hard stuff in families.
We have to speak. We have to cry. We have to sit in the discomfort and face it together. Because the alternative isn't peace. The alternative is a slow hardening of the heart that isolates us from the very people we were meant to do life with.

Family, even in its most broken form, was designed for connection. For resilience, and the kind of love that fights for each other instead of away from each other.

The conversation worth having isn't about whether your pain is valid. It is. The conversation worth having is about what we do with it. It starts with refusing to let unresolved conflict have the last word.

And to answer my earlier question: was the caregiving season worth it?

Every single day of it.

by Omaira Gonzalez

conflict

family

forgiveness

communication

Language English

What We Hide When We Say “I’m Fine”

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 19:05:35 +0000

What We Hide When We Say “I’m Fine”

anny@familybri… Tue, 12/02/2025 - 13:05 Dec 2, 2025

We all say “I’m fine.” But hidden hurt has a way of leaking into our homes, our marriages, our parenting, and even how we see ourselves.

Years ago, my husband was getting ready to head to the airport. He was joining a few of his teammates on a mission trip and was full of excitement. I was in the kitchen doing the dishes, and as I reached into a glass cup to wash it, it shattered in my hand. The cut was deep, but I didn’t want to interrupt his moment. I quickly said, “Go ahead, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

He left. And I stayed. I rinsed the wound, wrapped it in a bandage, and kept moving as if nothing had happened. But that night, the pain wouldn’t let me rest. It throbbed constantly, reminding me something was wrong. Still, I told myself I could handle it. I’d sleep it off.

By the next day, I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I went to the doctor, and sure enough, the glass had touched a nerve. The doctor gently scolded me for not coming in sooner. It took weeks before I felt real relief.

Holding onto emotional pain is a lot like that cut. We tell ourselves, “I’m fine.” We cover it up. We keep moving. We ignore the throbbing. But unhealed wounds don’t disappear, they deepen. And the longer they go untreated, the more damage they do beneath the surface.

Forgiveness, in many ways, is like finally going to the doctor. It isn’t easy. It stings. It means uncovering what we tried to hide. But it’s also the only way to truly heal. Because when we hold onto pain, it doesn’t protect us, it delays our healing and sends ripples into everything we touch. We think holding on keeps us safe, but really, it just keeps us stuck.

The “Bodyguards” We Mistake for Strength

There are emotions we often use as shields; anger, fear, and pride. They aren’t villains. At first, they act like bodyguards.

Anger says, “If I stay mad, I stay safe.” It builds a wall so we don’t have to touch the wound.
Fear whispers, “If I forgive, it will happen again.” It tries to protect us from future harm.
Pride insists, “I’m right to hold this. Letting go means losing power.” It props us up when we feel small.

In my early years, anger became my armor. It helped me survive. But over time, that same anger began to leak into my relationships, my work, and even how I saw myself. Instead of being the one who was wounded, I began wounding others. What once protected me began to imprison me. That’s one of anger’s hidden lessons, it points to the deeper place that needs healing. Often beneath anger is a broken trust, a violated boundary, or a deep grief we didn’t know how to name.

Sometimes we even spiritualize our defenses. I know I did. “God knows my heart. Justice is His.” Those words are true, but I used them to avoid my pain.

As C.S. Lewis once wrote, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea… until they have something to forgive.”

There is no shame in struggling with these emotions. They’re human. The danger is letting them run the show. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger… Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” — Ephesians 4:31–32

What Forgiveness Is, and What It Isn’t

Forgiveness isn’t pretending the wound didn’t happen….It’s telling the truth about the harm, and choosing not to carry it as your identity.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean dropping boundaries.. It means dropping bitterness. You can forgive and still say, “Access to me will look different now.”

Forgiveness is not letting someone off the hook…It’s letting your heart off the leash. It takes the weight of yesterday and turns it into wisdom for today.

Most of all, forgiveness is how we stop protecting the pain and start inviting God to heal it. “Lord, this hurts… but I trust You to touch what I cannot fix.”

God cannot heal what we keep hiding.

A Gentle Way to Begin

If forgiveness feels overwhelming, you don’t have to rush it. You can begin gently:

Name the wound beneath the anger. What was broken, trust, safety, dignity, belonging?
Notice your bodyguards. Which one shows up first, anger, fear, or pride?
Take one release step. Pray honestly. Journal a letter you’ll never send. Tell a safe person the truth.
Set one boundary. Let healing take root without reopening the wound.

You did not deserve what hurt you. But you do deserve to be free.

Prayer to close:
Jesus, I’m tired of saying “I’m fine” when I’m not. Show me what my anger/fear/pride has been protecting. Give me courage to forgive as You forgave me. Heal what I cannot. Amen.

by Omaira Gonzalez

forgiveness

faith

spiritual

relationships

conflict

Language English

A Mother’s Lesson on Forgiveness

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Thu, 09 Oct 2025 20:21:39 +0000

A Mother’s Lesson on Forgiveness

anny@familybri… Thu, 10/09/2025 - 15:21 Oct 9, 2025

How can you forgive when the worst possible thing has been done to you or someone you love? That was the question I kept wrestling with as I prepared to join a Facebook Live on the topic of forgiveness.

I’m no stranger to forgiveness. I’ve had to extend it and ask for it many times. But this particular conversation stirred something deeper in me. I found myself meditating, reading, and listening to stories, some of people who refused to forgive and others who bravely chose to. Yet the greatest lesson didn’t come from a book or sermon. It came from my mother.

My mother’s story is marked by both resilience and deep suffering. As a child, she knew moments of joy, like splashing in puddles after the rain. But those moments were tangled with verbal and physical abuse, experiences no child should ever carry. What should have been her safest years were scarred instead by fear and harshness.

As a young woman, she longed for love and stability. At first, she thought she had found it. He seemed kind, even charming. But behind closed doors, the truth unfolded. Her marriage became a prison of emotional wounds and physical violence. The greatest wound, however, came when he divorced her and, out of spite rather than justice, took full custody of her two sons. Not because she was unfit as a mother, but because he knew it would pierce her heart in the cruelest way. That act shattered her spirit. The grief of losing her boys, and the hatred for the man who orchestrated her suffering, ran so deep it nearly drowned her.

Years later, she would learn from my brothers about the mistreatment and abuse they endured under his care. The grief became unbearable. Anger, hate, and bitterness took root. She felt helpless and trapped in a season of despair.

But then something shifted. My mother encountered the love of God. Slowly, she began to see that the only way forward was forgiveness. To forgive the man who had scarred her physically, emotionally, and relationally was not easy. It didn’t happen overnight. It took years of wrestling, healing, and prayer. But eventually, she made a choice: to forgive, not because he asked for it, not because he deserved it, but because she refused to remain his prisoner any longer.

Forgiveness freed her. It opened the door to a new chapter, with a loving husband, two more children, and eventually reconciliation with the sons who returned to her.

Hearing my mother’s story, I realized how much courage forgiveness takes. It’s not about excusing someone’s actions or pretending the pain never happened. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from the chains of anger and bitterness.

Most people who wound us never ask for forgiveness. Many never admit their wrongs. But forgiveness isn’t really about them, it’s about us. It’s about reclaiming peace, joy, and freedom so we can live fully, love deeply, and step into the lives God has called us to live.

One thing I’ve learned is that forgiveness and grief can coexist. We often think one must end before the other begins, but usually they happen together. You can forgive while still grieving what was lost: a relationship, a dream, your sense of safety, even years you cannot get back.

Grief honors the reality of loss. Forgiveness releases the grip of the one who caused the wound. Together, they create space for healing. Forgiveness doesn’t erase grief or shorten it, but it does keep bitterness from taking root, making room for God’s comfort and eventual restoration.

I’ve seen what happens when people cling to unforgiveness: broken homes, broken bodies, broken hearts. I’ve also seen what happens when people choose to forgive: peace, healing, and freedom.

Whoever hurt you should never have that much power over your future. Don’t give them control over what comes next. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, and it doesn’t mean you have to trust again right away. It means choosing to release their hold so you can walk forward in freedom.

Scripture reminds us: “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” — Colossians 3:13

So I leave you with this: Forgiveness is not easy. It is a process. It takes time, prayer, and often starting over again. But it is possible. And it is worth it, not for them, but for you.

Maybe today you need to ask yourself: What am I still carrying that I need to release? What would it look like to let go and trust God with the healing?

Forgiveness is not the end of your story. On the contrary, it is the beginning. It does not strip you of power, it gives you a new kind of strength. The power to take back your life. The freedom to choose joy. The grace to live unburdened by bitterness. And the hope to see your life, and the lives of those you love through a lens of healing and restoration

by Omaira Gonzalez

forgiveness

faith

spiritual

Language English

When You Don't Want to Forgive

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Wed, 08 Mar 2023 01:53:34 +0000

When You Don't Want to Forgive

anny@familybri… Tue, 03/07/2023 - 19:53 Mar 7, 2023

“I don’t know if I am an optimist, I mean, I haven’t really had anything terrible happen to me.” My husband and I exchanged glances as we listened to our 13-year old son’s assessment about whether or not he’s an optimist.

The last five months have been a bit of an ordeal in our home as my son has had to go on a very restrictive diet due to a candida yeast, which took a hold after he was on some antibiotics last Fall. Candida thrives on sugar so it has meant our family has had our lives turned upside down as we figured out how to satiate the hunger of a growing 13-year old without carbs.

At first, I responded a bit dismissively, not fully registering the complications of the situation and assuming some topicals and a “little diet” would take care of the issue. Months later after trying one medicine after another along with some recommended herbal/natural treatments with little to no improvement, the gravity of the situation began to sink in. One day, I was advocating for adding more creative foods to the diet while my husband remained adamant about sticking to the strict diet given the research he had done. As our discussion ended in a gridlock, I went for a hike to let out some steam. As I turned the situation over in my head, I initially slid into the typical self-righteous dialogue that reinforced how right I was and how wrong my husband was. In fact, I recall thinking to myself, “Oh no, this time, there is no way I am apologizing.” Except this time, as these thoughts sought to harden my heart, they were met by the scriptures. Verses from a sermon I had recently listened to came to mind,

“ A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45

“Okay, you win,” I relented to God and began the hard work of sifting through the frustration and anger that was simmering in my heart. After taking a moment to let myself feel how unsettling everything had been and venting about losing a sense of control, I was able to let go of my defenses. There are at least 10 defensive mechanisms psychologists have identified that shed light on why it's so tough for us to work through the pain we experience (e.g., denial, repression, rationalization, ignoring, avoiding and so on). Humans are experts at avoiding pain.

If you can push past this resistance and allow yourself to face the pain you’re experiencing, you can then surrender the pain to the cross and begin the healing process. The second hard task requires you to be merciful with yourself and with your loved ones. When you're angry, upset, and feeling self-absorbed, it's so hard to turn over a new leaf and consider what the other person is going through, what their pain points are, and where they’re coming from.

Even though my heart was not in it, I decided to listen to the Holy Spirit and to follow my own advice. So I turned my back on my pride and considered where my husband was coming from. Just asking myself the question, “How does he see it?” opened up my frame of mind. It took my focus away from myself and allowed me to see a bigger picture that softened my heart.

Instead of trying to make winning arguments, we listened to each other’s stories. When my husband was five years old he was hospitalized for 10 months and at the time, out of an abundance of caution, his pregnant mother did not come to visit him. Seeing our son go through an illness that escaped his ability to fix the situation resurfaced the heightened sense of helplessness, abandonment and fear he experienced as a child. Once we could appreciate the motivation behind the responses we each had, forgiveness came easily and we were able to strategize and get back to working together as a team. We fell into a healthier rhythm and could extend a generous helping of grace towards one another.

Couples do this. They pull away from each other in a rebellious urge to exercise some independence of thought and ideas, and to de-escalate from the intensity of the moment. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Actually, it's good to air out differences and we encourage couples to take a time-out before things escalate or get out of hand. However, what we do when we take a break matters. If we let bitterness take root in our hearts, it can lead to contempt. If we frequently run to other things that offer an “escape” for a moment and fail to deal with the issue at all, we create dividing walls between us and our loved ones and can even develop addictions and entrenched behaviors that leave us feeling trapped. This pattern of behavior leads to self-isolation and further alienation from those we love. Deciding to come together is a journey that requires us to put our egos aside and that process isn’t easy. Thankfully, Christ has already shown us the way, “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). What a relief it is to know that we don’t have to do this alone! We can go to God to carry the burden for us and rely on him to carve a beautiful path through the hardship.

The joy we experience together as a family today is something I am deeply grateful for. I am blessed to have a loving husband who is supportive in our ministry and family life in many practical ways. These moments of contentment and peace have flowed out of daily decisions to live out the marriage covenant in a way that is honoring to God. It is not something that just happens on its own. In fact, our natural tendency is to pull away and live for the self, not to be united in mind and of one accord.

We need lots of reminders along the way to stay on course. We’ve been incredibly blessed to have these reminders sprinkled throughout our marriage by attending couples retreats, participating in small groups with other couples where we can pray with one another and hold each other up, and by serving together.

I don’t know what challenging situation(s) you may be going through right now, but I do know seasons come and go and yet one thing remains constant—Christ is ever before us.

I hope you’ll take some time to check out some of the resources and ideas listed below to help you grow in your faith and marriage this season:

Featured Resources:

Couples Workshops & Small Groups: Commit to doing life with other couples. I recently met with a group of volunteers trained under our AVANCE program who have been meeting and serving together for five years. They shared how their community had helped them stay married, stay encouraged, and stay hopeful. There are many ministries and programs, like AVANCE, that equip leaders and provide support to help churches launch a sustainable and flourishing marriage and family ministry. And these programs work. In fact, a recently completed five year study of AVANCE showed that participants who participated in all six of the program offerings experienced a 12.6% increase in their marital health and satisfaction. I hope you’ll reach out to us to learn about some of our options or to launch a group in your community if you don’t already have one. You can start a group in your neighborhood, church, kids school and even at your place of work.

Getaways: Family Life has many couples getaways throughout the year where you can take some time to be enriched in your marriage. And now, there are 9 retreats available in Spanish! Check it out HERE.

Featured Book: Check out the new book just released by Shaunti Feldhan and Dr. Michael Sytsma on the secrets of sex and marriage. In fact, if you are in the Chicagoland area, you can listen to Shaunti Feldhan in person at our May 23rd event. Click HERE to learn more or register for this event.

Streaming: Watch some movies together. In fact, one study has shown that simply watching movies and incorporating a discussion about the relationship dynamics of the couples on screen can have very positive effects on your marriage. Don’t know what to watch? Start by streaming The Chosen. Season 3 includes some riveting scenes centered around a few of the hard issues couples often face. Check it out.

Counseling: Reach out to us for counseling referrals or to participate in an intensive couples retreat.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

conflict

forgiveness

compromise

marriage

faith

Language English

Knowing What You Want in Your Relationship

Sara — Mon, 15 Apr 2019 08:31:04 +0000

Knowing What You Want in Your Relationship

Sara Mon, 04/15/2019 - 03:31 Apr 15, 2019

It only takes one minute to make a big difference in your relationship. Let me explain. A few years ago, as I was getting in my car getting ready to head out to work, I remembered that my husband's birthday was just around the corner. As I was backing out of the driveway, I battled internally on whether or not I should bother to celebrate it. You see, I was a little on the bitter side because on a previous holiday he had failed to be the romantic and get me flowers, a card and make the day special. So I thought to myself, “he didn’t bother, so why should I?” Thankfully, I came to my senses and realized that in doing so I would only accomplish to draw us apart and nothing else. I re-aligned and decided that I would be generous instead.

The decision to turn towards my husband instead of away took only but a minute as I had only just reached the stop sign at the end of my street. I immediately started to entertain ideas of what it would look like to do something special. My heart changed. As I thought of what would be fun to do for my husband, my initial apprehension got washed away and was replaced with anticipation. And all it took was a minute. An intentional minute.

In marriage, the struggle is real. There's no denying it. Each of us has needs. We want to be valued and loved, and when we don’t feel this from our spouse, we recoil and get all bent out of shape. Except, that instead of saying it like it is, we dance around the issues, we put up walls, we play games and get mad. What if I had just been upfront with my husband and had told him that I was disappointed that he didn't celebrate Valentine's Day the way I wish he had? What if I would have been very clear about what I wanted? The bitterness would not have created a cozy corner in my heart that could creep up as a dagger to use against him.

If we want to keep our relationships healthy, we need to know what we want, say what we want, and forgive each other with a huge helping of patience and grace.

What do you want?

Do you even know what you want? Take some time to dig deep and ask yourself "What is it that I long for?" We can’t be clear to our spouses about what we need when we don’t know what we need. Go for a jog or a long car ride, take a hot bath, and while you do those things, turn off the noise and let yourself think clearly about what you are searching for.

Ask for what you want

It doesn’t matter that you have been married for 40 years and you know each other super well. Stop playing mind games. Just say what you want. Be clear, be specific, don’t talk in circles. Say something like, “I’d like for us to go out to dinner at the new Italian restaurant that opened up this Saturday evening.” Don't misunderstand me, asking for what you want doesn't guarantee getting what you want; however, it will make it easier to negotiate and move forward.

Forgive generously

Guess what? Your spouse will irritate you, disappoint you, annoy you, and make you feel very angry at times. You have different personalities, cultural backgrounds, experiences, ways of viewing the world. One of you will arrive on time to places, and the other may always be late. Sure, you can choose to recoil in bitterness and feed the anger, but that will only lead to contempt, which will lead to a lack of intimacy and separation. Or you can choose to forgive and be generous.

It so happened that I ended up getting my husband a bike. Knowing my husband is very cost conscious, I got him a used bike. I did a lot of research and found a guy that refurbished top-of-the-line bikes. The funny thing is that as I researched and called places, I was acting suspiciously to my husband. As soon as the phone rang, I would quickly pick it up. I was walking out of the room to have calls that seemed somewhat secretive. My husband started to become uneasy and entertain thoughts that put him on the alert. The day of his birthday, when I revealed the gift. He laughed in delight. He had become wary about my secretiveness. He also came to understand the value of speaking up and not letting ideas fester.

Assumptions can sabotage the relationships in your life. Recognize what you need, speak up about what you need, and forgive often.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

relationships

marriage

couples

forgiveness

Language English

The Prodigal Dad, the Forgiving Son

Sara — Thu, 15 Mar 2018 19:40:17 +0000

The Prodigal Dad, the Forgiving SonSara Thu, 03/15/2018 - 14:40 Mar 15, 2018

Contributed by Eduardo Morales

My heart was pumping. I started to get all warm inside. It was that feeling you get when you know the Holy Spirit is prompting you to respond at that very moment. “Bold Steps, who in here needs to take a bold step?!” the pastor was challenging all of the men from the stage. His voice was easily drowned out by the sound of my heartbeat. “Why did I need to do this now God? At this moment? In front of all these men? I am going look weak! Lord, I can just talk to my father when I’m at home, why do I need to do this here?!!!” That was the dialogue that was going through my head. By that time several men had already taken the stage to take of the challenge and take their bold steps. Six years prior I was left awestruck, confused, hurt, scarred, broken. My dad walked out on my mom, brother and I. Fortunately, for me I was able to cope by going away to college. It was my form of escape. I wasn’t at the house, I didn’t know what was going on, and didn’t know how deep this cut was for my family. I knew one thing though, I had lost all respect for my father. The hard-working, strict, “do whatever I can to help and provide for my family” man I once knew, I wanted nothing to do with. “Why Dad? Why are you coming here? Why do you want to be around?” I couldn’t really grasp much of it in the moment, but my response was reject and ignore and try my best to forget. I knew I needed to take a bold step and forgive my father. I needed to choose to put my pain behind me, so that our relationship could be mended, healed, restored. I started walking towards the front, gently pushing past all the men that crowded near the stage. I didn’t want to be up there; but I needed to be. “Is there anybody else that needs to take a bold step today?” that pastor said again. I stood by the steps and finally walked up. “And what bold step are you taking today?” he said. In a very shaky voice I said, “I need to share something with my father. I need to forgive him.” Turning his gaze to the sea of men before us the pastor shouted, “where is he at, let’s bring him up on stage…” He wasn’t even in the room. “Seriously!!! Now I really look like a fool,” I told God in my head. They literally sent a search crew to find him and I waited up on the stage until someone finally found him. “I knew I should’ve just waited until we got home,” I said to myself. I got used to my dad not being around. I took shelter in my achievements, my dating relationship at the time, even to a small extent drugs, alcohol, and gambling. Although he chose to be absent for a time of my life, didn’t change the fact that he was still my father and I was his son. I didn’t want to continue journeying life trying to figure things out on my own. I wanted that relationship. I needed that relationship. Some seasons in life had been activated a bit prematurely. The king left the household, so the prince had to take over to a position he was unfamiliar with, a position that he was not yet equipped to handle. “We found him!” someone shouted in the back. He came to the stage with a sense of urgency. “Your son has something that he wants to share with you…” and with that the pastor handed me the microphone. “Dad, I just want to tell you that I love you very much…”(my eyes started watering,) “…I asked you to come up here, because I need to take a bold step. I need to forgive you for everything that has happened in our past. I don’t want the enemy to hold you in a guilty position anymore. I choose today dad to put the last six years behind me.” At that point I was sobbing. My father grabbed me and we shared a moment, as we embraced in one of the biggest hugs I ever gave him, I felt freed, I felt released. In that moment, the string of hurt, betrayal, abandonment all melted away. I felt the power of release and the freedom of forgiveness. I had several men approach me and tell me how impactful that moment was for them. I felt like the Lord showed me that that moment wasn’t just for you, it was so all those men in that room could see what a real-life, sincere act of forgiveness looked like. Our relationship has changed in such a positive and drastic way since. I believe that choosing to forgive can be a vulnerable and risky thing, but learning how to forgive and applying it to our relationships is an integral act. Forgiveness frees, unforgiveness entangles and hinders. We must learn to forgive, as he has forgiven us.

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fathers

family

relationships

forgiveness

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