marriage

The Power of a Present Spouse

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Tue, 24 Feb 2026 22:55:40 +0000

The Power of a Present Spouse

anny@familybri… Tue, 02/24/2026 - 16:55

Feb 24, 2026

Years ago, my husband and I went on one of our adventures, river rafting. What began as a peaceful float quickly turned into chaos as the current pushed us side to side. In an instant, our raft collided with another, and we were thrown into the river.

I remember hitting the bottom, the raft hovering above me, blocking my way up. For a moment, panic set in as I wondered how I would reach the surface. Then the raft shifted, and I was able to push myself upward. When my head finally broke above the water, the current swept me, and I could not catch my breath. I was scared and disoriented.

Then suddenly, I felt someone grab me.

When I looked up, my husband was holding onto a rock, waiting for me. He knew I would be shaken. He looked at me and said words I have never forgotten, “Hold on. We will go down together.”

And we did.

The river was still strong. The situation was still chaotic. But the moment I was no longer alone, the fear felt lighter.

That memory has stayed with me, because marriage in challenging seasons often feels like that river.

Life does not always slow gently. Sometimes it shifts suddenly. Plans pause. Control feels limited, and all we can do is move forward with what is in front of us.

Seasons like this feel less like stillness and more like being carried by a strong current. You are moving, but not always in the direction you expected. Life continues around you while your pace adjusts, and the tension between responsibility and longing becomes very real.

I have shared openly about my journey as a caregiver. It has required emotional endurance, sacrifice, and a reordering of time, energy, and priorities. Much of my attention has been poured into caring for someone else while personal rhythms quietly shifted.

While caregiving is my current reality, your challenge may look different. It may be health concerns, financial strain, parenting demands, ministry pressures, or uncertainty about the future. The circumstances may differ, but the principle remains the same. In heavy seasons, one factor can either increase the weight or help carry it with grace: the presence of a spouse.

The Power of Presence in Hard Seasons

Hard seasons are already heavy. When support is absent, the burden feels lonely. When support is present, the same burden becomes shared.

My husband has been a pillar in this chapter, not because everything is easy, but because he understands the weight of it and chooses to lean in rather than pull away. He shows up in the tired days, the emotional moments, and the unpredictable rhythms.

His presence has not removed the difficulty, but it has brought stability, peace, and emotional covering.

What True Presence Actually Looks Like

Presence is more than being physically nearby. It is emotional and spiritual engagement.

It is attentive listening, humble support, shared responsibility, patient grace, and spiritual encouragement. At its core, presence communicates one powerful truth: you are not alone in this.

And just like in that river, the current may still be strong, but fear loses its grip when you know someone is holding on with you.

What Absence Can Quietly Create

Absence, on the other hand, is not always physical. A spouse can be present in the room yet distant in posture.

It may appear as emotional withdrawal, silence, minimizing the situation, or passive disengagement. Over time, internal feelings begin to shape external behavior.

When someone feels unseen, irritability can surface. When they feel unsupported, resentment may grow. When they feel overwhelmed for too long, those internal pressures can emerge as withdrawal, sharp words, or emotional shutdown. Not because of lack of love, but because the weight feels lonely and unacknowledged.

Support does not remove the difficulty, but it prevents isolation within it.

When External Pressure Tests the Marriage

Every marriage already requires commitment, communication, grace, patience, and compromise. Now add an external circumstance that is not caused by the marriage, yet deeply affects it.

Time becomes limited. Energy is drained. Emotional capacity stretches thin. Priorities shift toward what feels most urgent. This creates a quiet strain on connection.

You may be pouring into a situation all day while still trying to nurture your relationship. If not handled intentionally, external stress can slowly create internal distance through fatigue, miscommunication, and unmet emotional needs.

A Faith-Centered Shift in Perspective

In difficult seasons, two anchors become essential: intentional communication and shared faith.

When couples stop listening and seeking understanding, assumptions, and frustration begin to fill the space. But when a marriage is anchored in God’s Word, the mindset shifts from “your burden” or “my struggle” to “our journey.”

Instead of asking, Why is this happening to us, the question becomes, How do we walk through this together with grace, trusting that God is present with us?

Scripture calls us to carry one another’s burdens. In marriage, this is lived out through shared responsibility, emotional support, patience, and unity in faith.

Practical Ways to Be a Present Spouse in Hard Seasons

Name the season together: Say out loud what you are facing so it becomes a shared reality rather than a silent burden.
Ask one simple question daily: “What is one way I can support you today?” keeps presence intentional instead of assumed.
Stay emotionally engaged, not just physically present: Listening, checking in, and showing empathy often matter more than fixing the situation.
Adjust expectations for the season: Hard seasons require flexibility, grace, and a willingness to carry more when needed.
Pray together, even briefly: Shared prayer shifts the posture from pressure to partnership and reminds both spouses that God is present in the process.

Supported or Strained Within the Same Season

In difficult seasons emotional capacities are stretched thin, and without intentional grace and understanding, the strain can quietly affect unity and connection within a marriage.

I have learned that support in marriage is rarely about grand gestures. It is quiet consistency, daily presence, extended grace, and choosing partnership over isolation.

The river may still be strong. The season may still be difficult. But when a spouse says, “Hold on, we will go through this together,” the weight feels lighter, not because the storm disappears, but because you are no longer facing it alone.

The river did not get calmer. I just was no longer facing it alone.

by Omaira Gonzalez

Language English

Navigating the Hidden Traps: 5 Common Relationship Pitfalls and How to Sidestep Them for Lasting Connection

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Thu, 22 Jan 2026 17:55:09 +0000

Navigating the Hidden Traps: 5 Common Relationship Pitfalls and How to Sidestep Them for Lasting Connection

anny@familybri… Thu, 01/22/2026 - 11:55

Jan 22, 2026

One of the drawbacks of living in Chicago is the potholes. When I first moved here more than twenty years ago from Florida, where the roads are smooth and winters don’t exist, the cracked pavement and brutal cold were a stark reminder of what I had left behind. Back then, the potholes felt unpredictable, lurking in the most unexpected places. Blown tires and emergency air stops weren’t just inconveniences; they became a regular part of life.

Over the years, something changed. You begin to recognize where the potholes are. You grow more aware of the ones near your neighborhood and along your usual routes. And with that awareness, you learn to navigate differently. You slow down. You plan ahead. You avoid what you can so the drive is smoother and less costly.

Relationships are a lot like roads filled with potholes. When you’re aware of the hazards, you can prepare for them. You can avoid many altogether. But when you’re unaware—or dismissive—you’re far more likely to fall into common pitfalls that can damage trust, connection, and intimacy.

Becoming aware of these relational pitfalls can dramatically change how you navigate your marriage and close relationships.

As a clinical psychologist, I’ve spent countless hours walking alongside couples in crisis through private counseling sessions, workshops, retreats, and conferences, I’ve had the privilege of working with couples from richly diverse cultural backgrounds. What I’ve witnessed over time aligns closely with what research consistently shows. But these principles aren’t just theories I’ve read about or observed in others; I’ve also seen them unfold across my own twenty-eight years of marriage.

In the following article, I will highlight five common pitfalls couples encounter, along with practical strategies to help prevent them from sabotaging our relationships and to show how, with intention, they can actually become opportunities to strengthen the covenant.

Pitfall 1: The Silent Relationship Killer: It’s not what we say, it's what we can’t see.

Most couples don’t fail because they don’t talk. They fail because they don’t recognize the emotional habits they’ve formed. The real danger isn’t poor communication, it’s relational blind spots. The main issue is the destructive cycle couples fall into without realizing it. Each partner reacts in ways that make sense to them but unintentionally trigger the other. That reaction sparks a counter-reaction, and before long, both are locked into a dance neither remembers choosing.

These cycles often manifest as criticism met with defensiveness, emotional bids met with stonewalling, disappointment that hardens into contempt. According to John Gottman’s decades of research, these patterns are highly predictive of relational breakdown, not because couples are malicious, but because they are unaware.

Until couples can see the pattern, they will keep fighting the person instead of the cycle.

Most destructive cycles don’t start with big fights. They start with small cues: words, tones, facial expressions, or behaviors that activate old wounds, assumptions, and defenses.

An example of how this plays out is as follows:

One criticizes → the other defends → first escalates → second stonewalls

A criticism can sound like:

“I shouldn’t have to ask.”

“Here we go again…”

“You always” or “You never”

These trigger defensiveness or motivate the partner to shut down.

The trigger is rarely the real issue. It’s the alarm it sets off inside the relationship.

Abandonment or Rejection triggers sound like:

“Do whatever you want.”

“I’m done talking.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Forget it.”

These often trigger pursuing, panic, anger, or emotional flooding.

A few years ago, during COVID, my husband and I went through a particularly difficult season. Our teenage son developed a Candida infection after taking antibiotics for what began as a flu-related cold sore. His treatment required an extremely strict diet: no sugar and virtually no carbohydrates. For months, food planning became exhausting, emotional, and high-stakes.

About seven or eight months into this routine, I decided to try something new and searched for creative recipes to bring some variety back to our meals. A few of the ingredients weren’t technically on the approved list. As I was cutting carrots in the kitchen, my husband noticed and immediately reacted. His tone felt sharp and critical. I felt it in my chest. I became defensive and snapped back, telling him he was overreacting.

Not long after, I chose to step away and go for a hike. The interaction sat heavily with me. As I walked, I slowed myself down and began to reflect—not just on what happened, but on what I was feeling and why it affected me so deeply. That was when I realized something important: it was the first time since our son’s health crisis began that I had truly processed the emotional toll it had taken on me. I had been carrying the stress, fear, and pressure quietly for months. It had been building. I realized that what was really bothering me about the whole situation was how it stripped away our autonomy as a family. We were closed off to many of the usual activities and outings we had enjoyed because the diet was so restrictive we fell into just being home. Enriching experiences for our family is something I highly value, take pride and enjoy putting together.

As my mind started forming negative assumptions about my husband, his tone, his quick criticism, I caught myself. I could suddenly see the dance. This moment wasn’t really about carrots. There was more happening beneath the surface. We were both responding from strain, fear, and exhaustion. And it was in that awareness that I recognized what I now call the second major pitfall in relationships.

Action Step: Take a moment to reflect on the cycle you tend to fall into. Think about the most recent disagreement you had with your spouse. Write it down, and notice how each of you responded to one another.

You can use this simple format to help uncover your pattern:

“The more I ______, the more you ______, the more we ______.”

This exercise isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. Seeing the cycle is the first step to changing it.

Below are three other common relational cycles that couples often find themselves repeating.

One expresses hurt → the other minimizes → first protests → second withdraws
One seeks closeness → the other feels controlled → one pursues → the other distances
One shuts down → the other panics → one pressures → the other goes numb

Over time, couples stop hearing each other and start reacting to the emotional memory of past fights and get into a neurological rut.

Which of the relational cycles above do you relate to?

II. Pitfall 2: The Silent Shift from Partner to Opponent

When I slowed down and truly paused, setting my own grievances aside long enough to consider where my husband was coming from, something shifted. I began to wonder, What was really happening for him? Why did the carrots trigger such a strong reaction? What nerve had been touched?

And then it came back to me.

I remembered that as a child, my husband had spent nine months hospitalized in Peru due to serious health complications connected to his diet. During that time, visits were highly restricted. He was separated from his mother and left to endure long hospital days largely alone. His strictness around our son’s diet wasn’t just about food. It was about fear. It was about protection. It was about a deep, embodied memory of helplessness, vulnerability, and loss of control.

When I remembered his story, the cycle we had fallen into suddenly made sense.

I could see his reaction not as an attack, but as an alarm. Not as control, but as care shaped by unresolved pain. In that moment, he stopped being the villain of the story or an opponent I needed to defend myself against. He was my partner, responding from a place that deserved understanding, not combat.

When a partnership turns into a competition, when someone has to win and someone has to lose, ego takes over. Empathy disappears. Apologies become rare. Scorekeeping begins. And slowly, that mindset erodes emotional safety and sabotages the well-being of the relationship.

Action Step: After conflict:

Pause and reflect on your own feelings. Create intentional space to process the tension, later that evening, the next morning, or whenever you can be calm and reflective. Revisit the most recent moment of strain with your spouse and explore what you were truly feeling and why. Go beneath the surface. Name it. Write it down. When emotions remain unprocessed, they often stay lodged in the body and end up leaking out in ways that betray our deeper intentions.
Write down assumptions and interpretations. Next, ask yourself what story you were telling about the situation. What did you assume? What meaning did you give it? Write that down too, and consider where those interpretations might be coming from.
Consider your partner’s perspective and history. Then comes the harder—and more transformative—part: turn your attention toward your spouse. Ask yourself, What might they be feeling? Why might this situation have impacted them so strongly? Recall their history, past experiences, and previous conversations. You may not know the full answer and that’s okay. The posture of curiosity itself begins to lower emotional intensity and soften the nervous system.
Re-engage with empathy, not accusation. It can also be helpful to consider personality and how our natural dispositions shape the way we and our spouses communicate. We’re all wired differently, and many conflicts arise when we interpret a spouse’s reaction as personal or intentional, when in reality it often reflects their personality and how they experience the world. While we can always learn and grow, it helps to resist assigning ill intent to our partner. As you reflect on a recent disagreement or tension, ask yourself: Is my spouse’s response consistent with how they are wired? Understanding their personality can bring empathy, reduce unnecessary conflict, and help you respond more thoughtfully. When you return to the conversation, you’re far more likely to speak with empathy rather than accusation and empathy creates the conditions for a productive, connecting dialogue rather than a competitive one.

III. Pitfall 3: Letting External Influences Erode Your Bond

One of the most subtle yet powerful threats to a relationship is allowing outside voices to carry more weight than the one across from you. Social media invites constant comparison: highlight reels that quietly suggest other marriages are happier, more romantic, more exciting, or more successful. Family and friends, often well-intentioned, can unintentionally plant seeds of doubt, division, or pressure. Past wounds, unresolved stories, and previous relationships can also get projected onto a present partner who never authored them. Over time, these external influences pull couples out of alignment, shifting loyalty from the partnership to opinions, fears, and expectations that don’t belong to the marriage.

One common theme I hear from couples involves the influence of in-laws, most often a mother-in-law. While many couples are thoughtful about acknowledging the strengths, support, and positive qualities their extended family brings, they also frequently describe in-laws as a significant source of tension. Conflict often arises when one partner feels the other is taking sides, sharing private matters, or making decisions with an in-law’s input without fully considering their spouse’s needs, boundaries, or perspective. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and unity within the marriage. In some extreme situations I’ve encountered, the level of distress has become so severe that it led to deeply unhealthy and even destructive behaviors, highlighting just how powerful and destabilizing unresolved in-law dynamics can be.

Action Step: Prioritize your inner circle. Establish couple-only decision rules, practice media detoxes, and return regularly to shared values and vision.

IV. Pitfall 4: Ignoring Bids for Connection

“I feel lonely even though I am married” is a lament I hear all too often. Busy schedules, endless responsibilities, and the lack of intentional moments for connection can leave couples feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. When there is time together, it’s often hijacked by social media, screens, or digital distractions, now including AI coaches and other online tools that, while helpful, can inadvertently replace real human connection. Ignoring or neglecting the relationship through missed daily bids for connection—hugs, kisses, cuddling, or meaningful conversation—slowly erodes intimacy. Every interaction is a deposit into the emotional “bank account” of the relationship. When couples fail to make those deposits, they find themselves emotionally underfunded, especially when life’s inevitable crises demand withdrawals. The result is distance, frustration, and a quiet loneliness that can exist even in the same room.

Action Step: Take initiative. Schedule regular time together, even if it’s simple: coffee, a walk, or a tech-free hour each day or week. Small, consistent actions rebuild connection.

V. Pitfall 5: Rushing Milestones or Losing Individuality

My husband participates in a couple of sports groups—soccer and ultimate frisbee before dawn during the week. When he comes home after playing, competing, and enjoying time with other men, he’s a new man. He’s happy, upbeat, and energized. While exercise certainly contributes to his mood, the real shift comes from being part of a community of men who share his interests, competitiveness, and sense of fun. In these spaces, he doesn’t have to meet all of his social or competitive needs through me or the kids.

I have similar experiences with women’s groups—book clubs or Bible studies—where my emotional and social needs are nurtured. These examples show how we’ve intentionally cultivated friendship, fun, and connection outside of our marriage. Beyond work, we maintain both shared community and individual communities.

Many marriages lose this balance. Couples become absorbed in each other and attempt to meet every emotional, social, and personal need solely within the marriage. In some Latin American countries, the phrase “media naranja”—or “your other half”—reflects this idea of finding someone to complete you. While romantic in theory, the concept can be misleading. It suggests we are incomplete without our partner, which can foster co-dependency and place unrealistic expectations on the marriage. Healthy relationships thrive not when we rely entirely on one another for fulfillment, but when each partner is fully formed, while still choosing to share life together.

Along the same lines is the tendency for couples to try to do life alone. Couples who actively engage with other couples, families, and communities consistently thrive. This was clearly demonstrated in a five-year study we conducted with 3,000 couples across eight churches in the Chicagoland area. Similar patterns emerge in national and cross-sectional studies: couples who participate in church or community-based activities together experience stronger, healthier relationships.

Action Step: Cultivate both shared and individual communities. Pursue interests, friendships, and group activities outside the marriage while returning to shared experiences with intentionality.

Building a Pitfall-Proof Relationship

Change is often not revolutionary. It's not loud. It doesn’t enter with bells, whistles and exclamation points. It comes through shifts. It comes with micro habits. With the next wise step. It comes with sacred moments of solace, of an embracing compassionate embrace, of seeing the other with depth of understanding, of being valued and loved and you know it's happening because it brings a wind of hope.

Throughout this article, we’ve explored some of the most common relationship pitfalls: falling into unconscious cycles, losing empathy for one another, letting external influences erode your bond, and neglecting connection and individuality. We’ve also discussed practical strategies to avoid them—from pausing to process your own emotions, practicing empathy, setting healthy boundaries, to cultivating friendships and communities outside the marriage. Remember, meaningful change doesn’t happen overnight. Small, intentional steps compound over time and can transform the trajectory of your relationship.

Pick one strategy today and put it into practice. Whether it’s scheduling a tech-free date night, reflecting on your emotional patterns, or setting a boundary with external influences, take that small step, and the next wise step, establish the new habit and with due time, your relationship will flourish.

What pitfall resonates most with you? How will you respond differently next time?

By sidestepping these common traps, you’re not just surviving, you’re creating a connection that thrives, one rooted in empathy, intentionality, and love.

Resource:

Family Portrait: Sign up to experience the Family Bridges theatrical presentation, which explores family dynamics—including in-laws—and comes with discussion guides. Watch it with your partner, or gather your family for a watch party, and use the prompts to reflect on your own relationship pitfalls and areas for growth. It’s a fun, interactive way to spark meaningful conversations and strengthen your connections.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

Language English

When You Don't Want to Forgive

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Wed, 08 Mar 2023 01:53:34 +0000

When You Don't Want to Forgive

anny@familybri… Tue, 03/07/2023 - 19:53

Mar 7, 2023

“I don’t know if I am an optimist, I mean, I haven’t really had anything terrible happen to me.” My husband and I exchanged glances as we listened to our 13-year old son’s assessment about whether or not he’s an optimist.

The last five months have been a bit of an ordeal in our home as my son has had to go on a very restrictive diet due to a candida yeast, which took a hold after he was on some antibiotics last Fall. Candida thrives on sugar so it has meant our family has had our lives turned upside down as we figured out how to satiate the hunger of a growing 13-year old without carbs.

At first, I responded a bit dismissively, not fully registering the complications of the situation and assuming some topicals and a “little diet” would take care of the issue. Months later after trying one medicine after another along with some recommended herbal/natural treatments with little to no improvement, the gravity of the situation began to sink in. One day, I was advocating for adding more creative foods to the diet while my husband remained adamant about sticking to the strict diet given the research he had done. As our discussion ended in a gridlock, I went for a hike to let out some steam. As I turned the situation over in my head, I initially slid into the typical self-righteous dialogue that reinforced how right I was and how wrong my husband was. In fact, I recall thinking to myself, “Oh no, this time, there is no way I am apologizing.” Except this time, as these thoughts sought to harden my heart, they were met by the scriptures. Verses from a sermon I had recently listened to came to mind,

“ A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45

“Okay, you win,” I relented to God and began the hard work of sifting through the frustration and anger that was simmering in my heart. After taking a moment to let myself feel how unsettling everything had been and venting about losing a sense of control, I was able to let go of my defenses. There are at least 10 defensive mechanisms psychologists have identified that shed light on why it's so tough for us to work through the pain we experience (e.g., denial, repression, rationalization, ignoring, avoiding and so on). Humans are experts at avoiding pain.

If you can push past this resistance and allow yourself to face the pain you’re experiencing, you can then surrender the pain to the cross and begin the healing process. The second hard task requires you to be merciful with yourself and with your loved ones. When you're angry, upset, and feeling self-absorbed, it's so hard to turn over a new leaf and consider what the other person is going through, what their pain points are, and where they’re coming from.

Even though my heart was not in it, I decided to listen to the Holy Spirit and to follow my own advice. So I turned my back on my pride and considered where my husband was coming from. Just asking myself the question, “How does he see it?” opened up my frame of mind. It took my focus away from myself and allowed me to see a bigger picture that softened my heart.

Instead of trying to make winning arguments, we listened to each other’s stories. When my husband was five years old he was hospitalized for 10 months and at the time, out of an abundance of caution, his pregnant mother did not come to visit him. Seeing our son go through an illness that escaped his ability to fix the situation resurfaced the heightened sense of helplessness, abandonment and fear he experienced as a child. Once we could appreciate the motivation behind the responses we each had, forgiveness came easily and we were able to strategize and get back to working together as a team. We fell into a healthier rhythm and could extend a generous helping of grace towards one another.

Couples do this. They pull away from each other in a rebellious urge to exercise some independence of thought and ideas, and to de-escalate from the intensity of the moment. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Actually, it's good to air out differences and we encourage couples to take a time-out before things escalate or get out of hand. However, what we do when we take a break matters. If we let bitterness take root in our hearts, it can lead to contempt. If we frequently run to other things that offer an “escape” for a moment and fail to deal with the issue at all, we create dividing walls between us and our loved ones and can even develop addictions and entrenched behaviors that leave us feeling trapped. This pattern of behavior leads to self-isolation and further alienation from those we love. Deciding to come together is a journey that requires us to put our egos aside and that process isn’t easy. Thankfully, Christ has already shown us the way, “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). What a relief it is to know that we don’t have to do this alone! We can go to God to carry the burden for us and rely on him to carve a beautiful path through the hardship.

The joy we experience together as a family today is something I am deeply grateful for. I am blessed to have a loving husband who is supportive in our ministry and family life in many practical ways. These moments of contentment and peace have flowed out of daily decisions to live out the marriage covenant in a way that is honoring to God. It is not something that just happens on its own. In fact, our natural tendency is to pull away and live for the self, not to be united in mind and of one accord.

We need lots of reminders along the way to stay on course. We’ve been incredibly blessed to have these reminders sprinkled throughout our marriage by attending couples retreats, participating in small groups with other couples where we can pray with one another and hold each other up, and by serving together.

I don’t know what challenging situation(s) you may be going through right now, but I do know seasons come and go and yet one thing remains constant—Christ is ever before us.

I hope you’ll take some time to check out some of the resources and ideas listed below to help you grow in your faith and marriage this season:

Featured Resources:

Couples Workshops & Small Groups: Commit to doing life with other couples. I recently met with a group of volunteers trained under our AVANCE program who have been meeting and serving together for five years. They shared how their community had helped them stay married, stay encouraged, and stay hopeful. There are many ministries and programs, like AVANCE, that equip leaders and provide support to help churches launch a sustainable and flourishing marriage and family ministry. And these programs work. In fact, a recently completed five year study of AVANCE showed that participants who participated in all six of the program offerings experienced a 12.6% increase in their marital health and satisfaction. I hope you’ll reach out to us to learn about some of our options or to launch a group in your community if you don’t already have one. You can start a group in your neighborhood, church, kids school and even at your place of work.

Getaways: Family Life has many couples getaways throughout the year where you can take some time to be enriched in your marriage. And now, there are 9 retreats available in Spanish! Check it out HERE.

Featured Book: Check out the new book just released by Shaunti Feldhan and Dr. Michael Sytsma on the secrets of sex and marriage. In fact, if you are in the Chicagoland area, you can listen to Shaunti Feldhan in person at our May 23rd event. Click HERE to learn more or register for this event.

Streaming: Watch some movies together. In fact, one study has shown that simply watching movies and incorporating a discussion about the relationship dynamics of the couples on screen can have very positive effects on your marriage. Don’t know what to watch? Start by streaming The Chosen. Season 3 includes some riveting scenes centered around a few of the hard issues couples often face. Check it out.

Counseling: Reach out to us for counseling referrals or to participate in an intensive couples retreat.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

Language English

Adopt a DIY spirit and intentionally cultivate your relationships

Sara — Wed, 28 Apr 2021 15:06:05 +0000

Adopt a DIY spirit and intentionally cultivate your relationships

Sara Wed, 04/28/2021 - 10:06

Apr 28, 2021

One 2020 phenomenon which did not gain fame or garner media attention is how 2020 became the year of DIY projects. When everything was cancelled, home improvement stores became the destination. And a look at some of these home improvement stores’ Q4 profits along with the real estate market reveal how at least in North America, people redirected their money to tackle home improvement projects.

I have to admit, my husband and I were one of those couples. 2020 became the year where the to-do list gained a new status. As we organized, decluttered, refurbished, and painted, we shared some laughter, frustration, and stretched our patience to new levels. Truth be told, even though I may have overdone it with the closet and cabinet organizing, these projects gave us mastery and a sense of agency in an ambivalent world. It gave our family a common goal to work towards. It distracted us from the chaos and pain encroaching around us and helped strengthen our resilience. This is one silver lining of 2020, and 2021, we made some headway on conquering the Honey To Do List.

What if we adopt this DIY spirit and intentionally cultivate the relationships in our family, with our spouse, and even co-workers?

Imagine how much richer your life would be a year from now if those you love felt valued as you took the time to listen to them, to uplift them, to shower them with gratitude and grace.

What would it mean to them if you made it a priority to build them up by empowering and encouraging them in their growth journey?

Bring the spark back to your marriage, cherish your loved ones, restore and heal the broken relationships. Open up your calendar now and schedule some date nights (even if these are at home). And just like you took some pointers from tutorial videos to help with the DIY projects, take some time to learn...

. . .how to have meaningful conversations,

. . .how to better understand the underlying issues that dictate relationship tension,

. . .about the way personality and family of origin influence the way differences are navigated,

. . .how to create a vision board for your marriage and family

. . .how to motivate the fatigued teen in your life

. . .how to become more self-aware and regulate your emotions

To take a deep dive in topics like these and many others. Make the rest of 2021 the year where you enrich your home life. It's time to spruce up the relationships with your loved ones. Make it happen!

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

couples

marriage

relationships

Language English

Growing Together in Love

Sara — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 19:14:00 +0000

Growing Together in Love

Sara Mon, 11/09/2020 - 13:14

Nov 9, 2020

Love. It is a little word, but it means so much. Love makes the world glow rosy, the birds sing, and life feels new. People make commitments, have children, and buy homes all in the name of love. But what happens when something changes and the rosy glow fades? Many people don’t know where to go or what to do and dissolving the relationship and moving forward to look for a new partner seems like the only option. During COVID-19 quarantines, this additional strain on partnerships seems to accelerate problems that already existed. One couple had one last option to redeem their marriage, AVANCE. Juan and Adelita* could barely stand to be in the same room as each other at the start of this virtual marriage class, but by the end of it, their transformation was apparent to everyone who saw them.

The AVANCE program began as a way to help disseminate effective relationship and family curriculum in a sustainable way into local communities. It is all well and good for a teacher to come into a neighborhood, provide some counseling, make a one-time difference, and leave. It is another thing to find a way to cultivate real change in the community by putting the resources in place to keep the momentum going, and allowing it to be self-sustaining. Family Bridges had classes and resources developed over a decade of training to help improve marriages, empower parents, and strengthen families, but not enough manpower to keep coaches in all the churches that wanted the tools for years. To make these resources available for the long haul, they created a three year training program so community members could teach these curricula for years to come. A Family Bridges employee guides the trainees through years of programming and it was one of these marriage classes that Juan and Adelita decided to try - one last effort for reconciliation.

Juan and Adelita signed up for Romance Perpetuo, a class about commitment, communication, and everlasting love. They would not look at each other, and barely engaged with everyone else on the Zoom call. Their instructor - Maria - took note of the couple, as they were very young to be so unhappy with one another;Juan and Adelita stood out, week after week barely able to engage. About a month in, however, Maria noticed they began to start angling closer to each other, and interacting a little more. Slowly over the period of weeks they sat closer together, until one day they were sitting together, smiles on their faces, and joy in their hearts.

“I cannot believe that God came to visit us in our living room,” Adelita said to Maria in a private counseling session, beaming as she and Juan expressed their gratitude for the communications tools they learned. In the middle of lockdowns, uncertainty, and unrest, Juan and Adelita found peace in their marriage, and a renewed commitment to the love they hold for one another. Because AVANCE is training other people in that community, other couples will experience that same renewal long after Maria is no longer teaching there. This volunteer-led system reinforces the values that create strong families, namely that people are the architects of their own lives and that if people love well, they can build a life of sustained happiness.

Building happiness for individual families can build stronger communities, advancing our neighborhoods in love for one another. Family Bridges continues to focus on love. This week is our Love Story date night, and we are so excited to continue kindling sparks of romance in communities all over America. Make sure you join us on YouTube live on November 13, 2020 at 7pm (CDT).

To learn more about how you can participate in, or volunteer with AVANCE, visit us here.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

by Bethany Verrett

love

community

marriage

Language English

Setting boundaries

Sara — Tue, 25 Aug 2020 14:37:02 +0000

Setting boundaries

About this episode

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you let them. You have to work at protecting your privacy. This means protecting your couple time by having regular date nights. Tune in to gain some insight on how to set boundaries.

Sara Tue, 08/25/2020 - 09:37

https://soundcloud.com/familybridgesusa/setting-boundaries

Soundcloud Embed

25 August 2020

Eduardo Morales Guest Speaker

Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D. Founder & CEO

Omar Ramos Host

Veronica Avila Co-Host

Podcast Series

The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting

Additional Info

RECAP

Boundaries within the family are important. For example, putting children to bed consistently at a reasonable time every evening is not only good for their development but it also gives you some breathing room for you to enjoy some free time or take time to talk with your spouse. Honoring time with your spouse is another way you can create boundaries that help you keep your romantic life alive. Date your spouse. When you do so, you’ll create moments when you can talk. These moments also create opportunities for you to grow in intimacy with one another. Managing children is taxing and it is easy to neglect your romantic life. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you let them. You have to work at protecting your privacy. This means protecting your couple time by having regular date nights.

CONVERSATION

What boundaries do you think you need to put in place to help protect your time with your spouse?

THIS WEEK'S ACTION

Schedule a date night with your spouse this month. During the date night, talk about a common goal you both share or that you both would like to engage in (i.e., take a dance class together, learn a new sport/hobby together, or serve together in a charity or ministry you both feel passionate about).

TOOLS

The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.

Podcast season

Love Spills Over: It's About the Parent's Relationship

Parent burnout

When spouses are not getting their love needs met by each other, partly because they’re attending to the demands of their children, each partner will...

Listen to Episode

Spend time wisely

As parents, we want the best for our children. Which means we spend and focus most of our time on them. The problem is that...

Listen to Episode

Setting boundaries

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you...

Listen to Episode

Date night

If you want to keep your marriage alive, you must make date night a priority. Plus, having a strong marriage shows your kids that a...

Listen to Episode

Podcast Thumbnail

Spend time wisely

Sara — Tue, 25 Aug 2020 14:28:57 +0000

Spend time wisely

About this episode

As parents, we want the best for our children. Which means we spend and focus most of our time on them. The problem is that focusing so much on our children distracts us from fostering a relationship with our spouse. And if our relationship with our spouse suffers, in the end, our children suffer because the quality of the couple's relationship directly impacts the children. Tune in to this week's podcast for insight and tips on what we can do as parents and as a couple to nurture and balance our relationships.

Sara Tue, 08/25/2020 - 09:28

https://soundcloud.com/familybridgesusa/spend-time-wisely

Soundcloud Embed

25 August 2020

Rick Rivero President & Director of Sales of Connections Marketing

Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D. Founder & CEO

Omar Ramos Host

Veronica Avila Co-Host

Podcast Series

The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting

Additional Info

TOOLS

The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.

Podcast season

Love Spills Over: It's About the Parent's Relationship

Parent burnout

When spouses are not getting their love needs met by each other, partly because they’re attending to the demands of their children, each partner will...

Listen to Episode

Spend time wisely

As parents, we want the best for our children. Which means we spend and focus most of our time on them. The problem is that...

Listen to Episode

Setting boundaries

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you...

Listen to Episode

Date night

If you want to keep your marriage alive, you must make date night a priority. Plus, having a strong marriage shows your kids that a...

Listen to Episode

Podcast Thumbnail

Parent burnout

Sara — Tue, 25 Aug 2020 14:15:45 +0000

Parent burnout

About this episode

When spouses are not getting their love needs met by each other, partly because they’re attending to the demands of their children, each partner will often look elsewhere to have their relationship needs met. Tune in to get insight and tips on small things you can do as a couple to keep the spark alive.

Sara Tue, 08/25/2020 - 09:15

https://soundcloud.com/familybridgesusa/parent-burnout

Soundcloud Embed

25 August 2020

Nadia Persun, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Clinical Care Director at Greenpath Clinic

Greg Persun General Manager at Greenpath Clinic

Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D. Founder & CEO

Omar Ramos Host

Veronica Avila Co-Host

Podcast Series

The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting

Additional Info

RECAP

It's easy to get swept away by the demands of your children. They can invade your bed, take over your free time, and cut into your hobbies. As you meet their needs, it's easy to ignore the needs of your spouse. Many spouses grow apart during the early parenting years. As they do so, they are more susceptible to getting their emotional needs met by something or someone else. Whether it’s an affair or an addiction – these escapes offer an opportunity for each person in the relationship to obtain a form of pseudo-love. Intentionally investing in your marriage week by week, month-by month, is essential to keep your relationship thriving.

CONVERSATION

How have children disrupted the time you spend with your spouse?

THIS WEEK'S ACTION

Look for 10 minutes each day within your everyday routine, where you can turn towards your spouse (i.e., morning coffee, snuggling together and watching tv after the kids go to bed, driving to an event together), and share something about your spouse that you are grateful for.
Create a vision statement for your marriage (see tools below for step-by-step instructions)

TOOLS

The following tools can help you along the way:

How To Create A Vision For Your Family & Marriage

The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.

Podcast season

Love Spills Over: It's About the Parent's Relationship

Parent burnout

When spouses are not getting their love needs met by each other, partly because they’re attending to the demands of their children, each partner will...

Listen to Episode

Spend time wisely

As parents, we want the best for our children. Which means we spend and focus most of our time on them. The problem is that...

Listen to Episode

Setting boundaries

Boundaries within the family are important. Children will chip away at your privacy and will invade all of your space, time and energy if you...

Listen to Episode

Date night

If you want to keep your marriage alive, you must make date night a priority. Plus, having a strong marriage shows your kids that a...

Listen to Episode

Podcast Thumbnail

Marrying into a Latin Family

savannah — Tue, 17 Sep 2019 10:21:04 +0000

Marrying into a Latin Family

savannah Tue, 09/17/2019 - 05:21

Sep 17, 2019

By Greg Fleming

So my nephew asked me to write a blog post for Family Bridges about marrying into a Latino family.

I’m not sure where to begin with an assignment like that. It almost seems to beg me to invoke some politically incorrect stereotypes about Latinos and Gringos. I suppose the desired effect is a lightly humorous pastry of a fluff piece sprinkled with anecdotes that might remind the reader of an episode of “Modern Family,” injected with some sort of jelly filling extolling the virtues of humble Latino family values over soulless American greed and isolationism.

Having said that, I suppose it isn’t terribly far from my experience. I have been making some attempts recently to understand why my three kids seem so much more well adjusted than I was (or am). My 23-year-old daughter has been happily married and living far away in Chicago (I’m in South Florida) for several years now, and she never really did exhibit much of the drama that popular culture has conditioned us to expect from teenage girls. My boys (currently 15, and 12), are also already old enough for me to realize that they lack in certain rebellious and/or resentful attitudes toward me and my generation that most of my peers and I exhibited at that age toward our parents and teachers.

Although I have developed an instinctual aversion to sweeping generalizations and easy answers to complex questions, I have been toying with the notion that some of the difference may involve the general paradigm of discipline I received growing up versus the way my kids are being reared. My recollection of my own upbringing is that it involved a pattern of rewards and punishments. My parents made a fairly consistent effort to communicate what was expected of me at any given age, and what I could expect in return in the form of consequences for fulfilling or failing to fulfill those expectations.

It wasn’t the kind of harsh humorless militant discipline we often see in movies where upper-class parents mercilessly push their toddlers to high levels of achievement so they can earn a place at the most prestigious preparatory schools. We were too low of a tax bracket for that. But the behavior/consequence paradigm was always present. As far as I can tell, this was the way most of my peers were being raised as well. I suppose every approach has its benefits and drawbacks, and I certainly can’t say this one was necessarily all bad. I don’t know how much of it my parents’ generation received from their own parents, and how much came from the emergence of popular parenting psychology in the ’60s and ’70s, such as Doctor Spock and his ilk (not to be confused with Mr. Spock the Star Trek character). I guess, in the end, it felt a little too much to me like a negotiation. Although it probably wasn’t intended to, from the child’s point of view it can seem like all these rules are designed to protect the parent’s interests, ensuring that the child doesn’t overly inconvenience them.

Whether as a result of this or due to some other pattern of genetic or environmental influences on my life, I emerged into adulthood without a particularly strong sense of identity or purpose and found myself without much of an idea how to live my life, much less raise my own kids. So my approach to life and to child-rearing has been to keep my head down and avoid any more involvement than is strictly necessary, with a view toward minimizing the damage to myself, my kids and to others around me. This means that I have generally deferred to my Latina wife for the most part when it comes to raising the kids.

Bear in mind; I am not recommending this as a strategy for fatherhood (or life). I wish I could say I was the kind of dad who shares his interests and activities with his kids and teaches them lots of life lessons in the process, but I never really developed many interests and hadn’t really learned many of those life lessons myself. Perhaps this is one of the unpleasant side effects of the prevalence of television and other entertainment media in our lives. Too many of us have become spectators in our own lives rather than participants.

Looking back, it seems like my wife managed to raise the kids without resorting to very much in terms of rewards or punishments. We’ve never “grounded” any of the kids, nor have they ever done any of the things that I had done in my youth which might have merited such discipline. Needless to say, corporal punishment hasn’t been necessary, beyond a smack on the wrist when they were very small to discourage them from reaching out to hot stoves and the like. Maybe we’ve just been lucky, but I think it has a lot to do with the way she loves the kids. I grew up thinking of love as a way someone feels about someone else, or perhaps a level of desire for their well being. But for my wife, it seems to be more of a transitive verb; it’s something she does to them and for them.

I’m not sure words are capable of articulating such things clearly. It never ceases to astound me how much meaning people expect to be able to encapsulate and communicate through a string of multi-syllabic utterances. But I think the way my wife loves the kids has something to do with being constantly mindful of what they are experiencing and feeling. It involves a lot of listening and frequent/constant interaction and providing them a consistently calm and comforting presence in which to express themselves. They do learn about actions and consequences in the process, not because we’re laying out a structured list for them, but because she is gently guiding them as they encounter the consequences of their actions in their daily lives.

Returning to the intended theme of this post, I suppose some of that parenting magic may be a part of her Latino culture. She would certainly give a lot of credit to her faith as well. My wife’s own close connections with her sisters and their families have provided another benefit for my kids which I lacked, which is a sense of a broader yet still closely-knit extended family. I would speculate these benefits aren’t necessarily more prevalent in Latino culture as opposed to other cultures in the world, but perhaps that they are less prevalent in American culture today. Perhaps most other cultures are just a generation or two behind the USA on the path to cultural destruction. For my part, it has been some comfort to step back from the cliff a bit and at least get to see my kids experience some values of an older culture which perhaps we have been losing sight of in ours.

culture

family

marriage

Language English

Crossing the Finish Line

fbusacmsadmin — Sat, 18 May 2019 15:27:33 +0000

Crossing the Finish Line

fbusacmsadmin Sat, 05/18/2019 - 10:27

May 18, 2019

My husband and I joined a 5K walk/run. We were pretty excited that we were going to do this together and also that it was for a good cause. However, that day when we woke up the sky was gray, it was cold and raining. Neither of us had much motivation to go out there and run, but we decided to get bundled up and got ready to participate anyway. We headed out there and joined the rest of the many people who, like us, decided not to let the Chicago weather stop them.

This 5K made me reflect on how my husband and I first came together and decided, “Hey let’s get married.” Since then, we joined a marathon called marriage. When we first started this race, it was so exciting! We dreamed of a lifetime of happiness, sunshine and rainbows. We geared up for our race, put on our best running shoes, and made sure we each had our water bottles to keep hydrated from time to time when things felt dry in our relationship.

Get ready, get set, go! We were ready! Until the day a gray cloud in the sky called “differences” appeared. I mean, we knew we were different. He is guy and I am girl; we liked different stuff. But I am talking about the kind of “differences” that get under your skin.

Funny thing is that they are usually the subtle stuff that always gets to you. For example, you are neat, he is messy; he wants to watch sports all day long, and you, well, not so much; one procrastinates, the other wants it done now; one is a spender and the other wants to save it all; one wants to talk about their feelings and the other one doesn’t listen.

While these scenarios may seem silly or perhaps not so silly, it builds up in your relationship, and your race together feels like you are running under gray skies, light showers and sometimes a thunderstorm. You see less of the sun because the cloud of differences is now over your race. This can be very frustrating and discouraging, and you get fatigued in the middle of your race when faced with challenges. You start off very excited and with a goal in mind to cross the finish line. But how do you continue a race when you are not as motivated as you were when you first started?

As my husband and I were entering into our last mile, we became tired and fatigued. The cold weather and rain did not help us at all, and we started to get discouraged. I felt like this last mile was weighing me down, when my husband looked at me and said, “We are almost there, we got this. Let’s cross this finish line together,” and then offered me his arm. I grabbed his arm and found the support I needed to finish our last mile. At that moment it didn’t matter how I was feeling or what kind of weather we were facing. I was just happy that I had him by my side to finish this race as a couple, just like when we first started.

In marriage you will have your differences and your own experience weathering difficulties and unexpected challenges. Yet, in all of my 30 years of marriage, what I have discovered most about staying in this marathon called marriage is that it’s not so much about how to weather the storm, but it’s about how to motivate each other to stay in the race and cross the finish line.

by Omaira Gonzalez

marriage

relationships

couples

Language English