love

Unveiling the Heart: What I Learned About Love From Pumpkins

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Fri, 13 Oct 2023 22:58:31 +0000

Unveiling the Heart: What I Learned About Love From Pumpkins

anny@familybri… Fri, 10/13/2023 - 17:58

Oct 13, 2023

When my son first mentioned wanting to grow pumpkins, I had visions of rampant vines overrunning our yard. As a solution, we introduced trellises, hoping the pumpkins would be trained to wrap around them. Over the next months, I observed my son carefully tend to the pumpkins in starter beds, nourishing the soil and joyfully pointing out the first blooms. However, seeing a pumpkin hanging precariously stirred my concerns about its potential fall from its increasing weight. To address this, we fashioned several supports for the pumpkin. I still remember the radiant pride on my son's face as he beheld his fully grown pumpkin.

This memory returned to me while reading 1 Corinthians 13. Paul's sojourn in Corinth during his second missionary journey is well chronicled. This bustling port city, predominantly pagan, welcomed Paul for a year and a half as he shared the Gospel. While he began preaching at the synagogue, opposition led him to pivot to the Gentiles. Chapter 13, renowned as the "Love Chapter," builds upon Chapter 12's discussion of spiritual gifts. Paul provides both perspective and context amidst the church's emerging corruption.

In English, "love" is a multifaceted term, equally applicable to our fondness for chocolate or our deep bond with a friend. However, the Greeks had four nuanced words for love. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul refers to "agape" love, distinct from "eros" (romantic love) and "philia" (brotherly love). Found 106 times in the New Testament, including the pivotal John 3:16, "agape" represents God's sacrificial love that prompted Him to send His only son for mankind's redemption. It symbolizes a selfless, binding, and restorative love that is rooted in choice and expects no reciprocation.

Admittedly, this form of love is not instinctive for humans.

Upon revisiting 1 Corinthians 13, before delving into what love isn't, I pondered the initial qualities Paul attributes to love in verse 4: "Love is patient; love is kind."

Patience, or "long-suffering" in some translations, is the first descriptor for love.

Ever found joy in demonstrating restraint and resilience?

Everyone encounters their share of vexations with individuals or situations. Such aggravations can spiral into harmful reactions, even in intimate relationships. For instance, a spouse might get annoyed by the manner in which chores are done and opt to take over, or resent the other's pace in fulfilling household tasks.

If unchecked, this frustration can intensify into resentment, eventually degenerating into loathing or disdain. These sentiments might be rooted in deep-seated issues, past traumas, or accumulated conflicts. In extreme cases, they manifest as mental health challenges.

Yet, an alternative response exists—one marked by humility, forgiveness, and gratitude. Tragically, this doesn't come naturally to us either.

Considering Paul's assertive demeanor and achievements, I believe he understood this. Characterized as proactive, ambitious, and self-assured, he was a man of action. Such personalities often grapple with patience. An examination of Paul's life and works reveals his own lessons in endurance.

In over two decades of clinical sessions, workshops, and leadership engagements, I've recognized the importance of safeguarding one's heart against contempt. Managing the anxiety that sparks impulsive interference, unwarranted distress, and bitterness can avert much unnecessary turmoil.

We often intervene in others' responsibilities out of impatience. Yet, the subsequent resentment is misdirected at those we've supplanted. This cycle repeats with our children, colleagues, and others.

Truth be told, our patience often falters.

But Paul adds a caveat—it's not just about waiting but waiting with kindness. Mere endurance without kindness can breed negativity. True patience encompasses benevolence.

However, consistent kindness amidst adversity is challenging, especially if we're predisposed to negativity due to personal pain or external influences.

Yet, envision the transformation in our relationships if patience was complemented by kindness. This quality is intrinsic to God's nature. By drawing nearer to Him, we can begin to fathom genuine love. Only through His guidance can we truly exhibit and experience "agape" love. Our thoughts and reactions, as mentioned in 2 Corinthians 10:5, must align with His teachings.

Our response during trials is crucial.

By surrendering negative thoughts during adversities, we cultivate kindness.

This year, the pumpkins flourished once more, gracefully draping over the trellises. Interestingly, we didn't require any special supports. The pumpkins, along with their vines, matured in perfect harmony, capable of bearing their weight. Similarly, we too have innate resilience. Recognizing our role is vital—just as we aided the pumpkins' growth, we must also nurture our relationships. Setting boundaries and then stepping back allows for genuine growth.

The joy of witnessing the fruits of patience and kindness is unparalleled.

What insights have you gleaned from navigating the challenges of endurance?

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

Language English

The Main Thing

Sara — Wed, 16 Feb 2022 13:36:47 +0000

The Main Thing

Sara Wed, 02/16/2022 - 07:36

Feb 16, 2022

Lately, I have been grieving for friends who are in a harrowing season in their relationships and have recently divorced. I am burdened by how they suffer and the unbearable pain they are experiencing. Alas, it is a story unfolding for many of you, even as you read these lines.

As these stories came to our doorstep, my husband and I welcomed the conversation it invited. I don't believe we were necessarily more equipped or a more compatible couple than our friends. What has kept us from deciding not to break it off in the difficult seasons when we have drifted apart? Just like all couples, in our 24 years of marriage, we've had seasons where we have gotten busy with our own agendas and struggled connecting. Yet we have had many good seasons as well, where our love rekindled and where we grew closer together.

You've heard of the wise counsel, "keep the main thing, the main thing?" If you are married and you had to boil down what has helped you stick through your own valleys and mountains, what would that be?

As we talked about the mysterious secret sauce, we went through an impressive list:

Commitment

Prolific marriage and family researcher, Scott Stanley, would probably agree. In his book the Power of Commitment, Stanley shares his marital research for understanding commitment. Early in our marriage Stanley's writings and marriage workshops helped us understand what commitment means, including learning to handle the pressures of everyday life and transforming one's thinking from "me versus you" to "we" and "us. "I translated these insights by simply asking the question, "Does this help our marriage and family life or if I do X, Y or Z, am I turning my back against those whom I love?" Stanley also talks about capturing the mystery of teamwork and building a lasting vision for the future. While the hubby and I agreed this has undoubtedly been a pillar holding us steady, especially in the turbulent seasons - there is something else that seems to lead to a stronger bond.

Friendship

I have vivid memories of my dad randomly serenading my mom with a poem, of her faithfully bringing him coffee as they enjoyed a break mid-afternoon to catch up on the day's affairs, and later in the evening watching the evening news together where often they talked after long into the night. In modern times, we encourage couples to go on date nights or weekend getaways - to get some time alone without the disruption of the kids to talk and foster intimacy. My parents had habits ingrained in the rhythm of their relationship that fostered their companionship.

It does take a degree of intentionality, and it can be a tumultuous effort when you have smaller children, to plan a date night (even a home-bound one), or to escape without the kids regularly. I have found that these micro-habits go a long way. When you create these rhythms, it is beautiful to bear one another's burdens, actually talk to each other about what bothers you, about what you are struggling with, or even entertain big hairy and audacious dreams and goals. And it is a two-way street. It does require both parties to willingly participate - even if one takes the lead in organizing, planning, and making it happen.

Research supports that fun and laughter is good for marriages too. Married individuals whose spouse is their best friend have higher life satisfaction. And it gets better for people of faith. Spouses who share religious beliefs and are also best friends. The benefits of marital friendship are long term. They extend past the newlywed years far into the mature years.

Repair attempts

Whether it's because one of us is grouchy due to a bad night's sleep or whether it's because we are just very proud at the moment, inevitably we will hurt each other. Will say the wrong thing at the wrong time, fail to value each other, listen well or not consider each other's needs.

The relationship expert John Gottman (The Gottman Institute) clarifies that no matter how astute or prepared you are in relationships, inevitably, you are bound to snap, have an ugly screaming match, say mean things to each other, or get critical and defensive. Healthy relationships don't mean you are perfect!

What makes the difference is that healthy couples, at some point, make amends; they admit responsibility for their part and begin the healing process.

Interestingly, it doesn't matter which type of repair attempt is made (i.e, saying I'm sorry, a smile, a tender touch, a kind gesture, etc.). There is one thing, though, that makes these more effective friendships. When you have built an emotional bank by basically being nice to each other, being good friends, then repair efforts work better.

Sharing the load

There is a lot of management needed to run a home and wow it can be super challenging if it all falls under one person's shoulders only. Being responsive by seeing what needs to be done and rolling up our sleeves makes a big difference. Whether it's dishes, cooking, weed pulling, driving kids to activities, or keeping up with the finances - the list is loooong and when the load is shared; it is less stressful all around. Yet, this also was not the main thing for us.

Service

Coming together to present couples or parent workshops in the community or service project is something that has given us much joy over the years. As we come together to consider the personal stories we will share, the principles we will stress and the vision we hope those attending will gain, it brings us together in a special way. We learn together and there is something beautiful that happens when we get to serve together in this way. So good but still not the main thing either.

Strike-Out Blaming

Blaming can easily lead to contempt and this destroys. It's way too easy to point and find fault in how the other did something or have problems on when they did/or not do something. When we sense "blaming" is coming out to play, we fight to strike it out. It's a rule in our home - own your part, accept personal responsibility, and above all don't blame. Harder to do and yet more productive is to consider your spouses' point of view. Where are they coming from, how do they feel, what can they be thinking that prompted this or that? This is a game-changer - it changes the tone in your relationship. So important but it is still not the main thing for us.

Generosity

Frequently recognize, validate and show your appreciation. Gratitude is not natural as we are usually just thinking of ourselves. Cultivating it lessens the self, soothes bitterness, and is incredibly healing. We often say in workshops if this is the only practice you work on in your marriage, you will grow abundantly. Is this the same thing, it's on the top of the list, but no - it's not it.

Shared faith and values

Does it help that we share the same convictions, fear God, and seek to honor him in our lives, in how we parent, and in our marriage? Absolutely. In the end Christ is the one that helps us in this journey and without Him, it all is too hard!

Parenting

We have the best kids in the world! So says every parent right? We love this stage in our lives - it took us quite a bit to have children and perhaps this may have something to do with it but we enjoy this season of our lives with them. They are fun, curious, and full of life which makes life that much more valuable to do. Sure, we have our rifts from time to time on which rule one of us feels is important to follow which the other doesn't but even in weighting this out and seeing how it all plays out brings us together. No, it also is not the main thing either.

What is the main thing that we would attribute to the key ingredient of lasting love?

Seems like a cocktail of all of these is needed. But as we pressed and thought some more, we realized it does come down to one thing. A big thing.

LOVE

We can do all these things and more and yet if we don't nurture love in our hearts, commitment can become an obligation, forgiveness can be inauthentic, friendship can be cordial at best and often keeping us from digging deep to get to the root of issues, responsibilities can be pitted against each other so that one party feels bitter they do more, service can become a performance, and parenting can be a tug of war.

How do we love well? It does the heart good to remember a passage in 1 Corinthians 13:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

This week take the time to plan a growth opportunity for you and your spouse this year and invite others to do the same.

Plan a getaway
Read a book together
Engage in a small group marriage workshop
Plan a date night
Do a service project

Love Well and Encourage Others to Love Well As Well.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

Language English

Growing Together in Love

Sara — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 19:14:00 +0000

Growing Together in Love

Sara Mon, 11/09/2020 - 13:14

Nov 9, 2020

Love. It is a little word, but it means so much. Love makes the world glow rosy, the birds sing, and life feels new. People make commitments, have children, and buy homes all in the name of love. But what happens when something changes and the rosy glow fades? Many people don’t know where to go or what to do and dissolving the relationship and moving forward to look for a new partner seems like the only option. During COVID-19 quarantines, this additional strain on partnerships seems to accelerate problems that already existed. One couple had one last option to redeem their marriage, AVANCE. Juan and Adelita* could barely stand to be in the same room as each other at the start of this virtual marriage class, but by the end of it, their transformation was apparent to everyone who saw them.

The AVANCE program began as a way to help disseminate effective relationship and family curriculum in a sustainable way into local communities. It is all well and good for a teacher to come into a neighborhood, provide some counseling, make a one-time difference, and leave. It is another thing to find a way to cultivate real change in the community by putting the resources in place to keep the momentum going, and allowing it to be self-sustaining. Family Bridges had classes and resources developed over a decade of training to help improve marriages, empower parents, and strengthen families, but not enough manpower to keep coaches in all the churches that wanted the tools for years. To make these resources available for the long haul, they created a three year training program so community members could teach these curricula for years to come. A Family Bridges employee guides the trainees through years of programming and it was one of these marriage classes that Juan and Adelita decided to try - one last effort for reconciliation.

Juan and Adelita signed up for Romance Perpetuo, a class about commitment, communication, and everlasting love. They would not look at each other, and barely engaged with everyone else on the Zoom call. Their instructor - Maria - took note of the couple, as they were very young to be so unhappy with one another;Juan and Adelita stood out, week after week barely able to engage. About a month in, however, Maria noticed they began to start angling closer to each other, and interacting a little more. Slowly over the period of weeks they sat closer together, until one day they were sitting together, smiles on their faces, and joy in their hearts.

“I cannot believe that God came to visit us in our living room,” Adelita said to Maria in a private counseling session, beaming as she and Juan expressed their gratitude for the communications tools they learned. In the middle of lockdowns, uncertainty, and unrest, Juan and Adelita found peace in their marriage, and a renewed commitment to the love they hold for one another. Because AVANCE is training other people in that community, other couples will experience that same renewal long after Maria is no longer teaching there. This volunteer-led system reinforces the values that create strong families, namely that people are the architects of their own lives and that if people love well, they can build a life of sustained happiness.

Building happiness for individual families can build stronger communities, advancing our neighborhoods in love for one another. Family Bridges continues to focus on love. This week is our Love Story date night, and we are so excited to continue kindling sparks of romance in communities all over America. Make sure you join us on YouTube live on November 13, 2020 at 7pm (CDT).

To learn more about how you can participate in, or volunteer with AVANCE, visit us here.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

by Bethany Verrett

love

community

marriage

Language English

Speaking Their Love Language

Sara — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 15:11:21 +0000

Speaking Their Love Language

About this episode

Children express and receive love in different ways. Knowing their love language will not only have a profound impact on your relationship and connection, but will also has help them feel unconditionally loved, accepted, heard and understood.

Sara Mon, 11/09/2020 - 09:11

https://soundcloud.com/familybridgesusa/speaking-their-love-language-feat-bill-…

Soundcloud Embed

9 November 2020

Bill Ferrell GRIP Outreach for Youth

Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D. Founder & CEO

Omar Ramos Host

Veronica Avila Co-Host

Podcast Series

The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting

Additional Info

TOOLS

The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.

Podcast season

Nurture your child's heart & brain

Feel this, feel that

Helping your kids understand their emotions Sometimes kids just don't know what they're feeling. Other times, they don't know how to deal with their emotions...

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Raising the brainy child

Are you a competitive parent? You may be using your children’s results to boost your parental ego and it’s doing more harm than good. Tune...

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Play by play of a child's brain

Young children are deeply affected by their early experiences. So how do these experiences actually affect the way children's brains become "wired," building the architecture...

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Childhood stress is a thing

Did you know that children may start to experience stress as early as 3-years old? Your child may not be learning or growing as he/she...

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Speaking Their Love Language

Children express and receive love in different ways. Knowing their love language will not only have a profound impact on your relationship and connection, but...

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Preparing them for puppy love

Sara — Fri, 28 Aug 2020 14:25:48 +0000

Preparing them for puppy love

About this episode

The current cultural trend in America is for children to begin dating at earlier and earlier ages. This means that now, perhaps more than ever, it is crucial for parents to begin teaching their children about relationships sooner rather than later. It’s important to take a holistic approach that integrates love, dating, marriage, sex, and everything in between into an ongoing conversation about relationships. Tune in for more.

Sara Fri, 08/28/2020 - 09:25

https://soundcloud.com/familybridgesusa/preparing-them-for-puppy-love

Soundcloud Embed

28 August 2020

Dr. John Van Epp Founder of Love Thinks

Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D. Founder & CEO

Omar Ramos Host

Veronica Avila Co-Host

Podcast Series

The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting

Additional Info

TOOLS

The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.

Podcast season

Talk to your kids about relationships

Guard your child's heart

Boundaries are important in relationships and in life. Setting boundaries for your children helps guard their heart and helps keep them safe. Tune in to...

Listen to Episode

Is it true love?

The chemical changes that take place during periods of infatuation can cloud judgement and blur the lines between true commitment and attraction. In a truly...

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Unpacking the unmentionables: Talking to your kids about drugs, sex & porn

Talking to your kids about drugs, sex and porn can be tough - but it's necessary. Tune in to get tips on how to start...

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Identifying abuse: The warning signs

Domestic violence can be seen everywhere. It doesn’t discriminate against race, gender, religion or economic status. It entails more than just physical violence and includes...

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Marriage or baby carriage: Talking to your kids about marriage & education

The “success sequence,” is the research supported notion that people who get an education, then a job, then get married and, lastly, have children are...

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Preparing them for puppy love

The current cultural trend in America is for children to begin dating at earlier and earlier ages. This means that now, perhaps more than ever...

Listen to Episode

Raising future spouses

As a parent, have you ever thought that you aren't just raising your own children, but you are also raising someone else's future spouse, life...

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Talking to children about divorce

Divorce is a stressful and emotional experience for everyone involved. And when children are involved, it can often leave them feeling as though their whole...

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The Tomato & The Flower

Sara — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 18:03:16 +0000

The Tomato & The FlowerSara Wed, 07/22/2020 - 13:03

The family is gathered at the dinner table when Marisol asks Abuelita to tell the story of how she met Abuelito. A flashback tells the story of a love filled with flowers, rivalry, and...a tomato?

Video Embed

Video Series

Es un Show

Episode

13 (Season 1)

Nuevos Comienzos

savannah — Mon, 16 Mar 2020 10:40:22 +0000

New Beginnings

savannah Mon, 01/27/2020 - 03:17

May 22, 2020

I've spent many evenings watching the sunset from my tree stand, but I have never felt my soul renewed in the same way that a sunrise from the same tree stand makes me feel. My favorite bible verse to meditate on while in the woods is Psalms 143:8. It says, "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." Each morning, whether it be from the old maple tree that my stand is in or from the 6 am morning traffic in the Chicago suburbs, I find myself thankful for the new opportunities each sunrise brings.

I grew up on a small hobby farm, right off a dirt road in a fairly remote part of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. My dad and my grandfather are the two people who helped me understand the importance of seeing every morning as a new beginning. When I was a junior in high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do for work once I graduated. One day we had a representative from the local college come to our class to talk to us about skilled trades classes that they offer to seniors. During this time, I had my three close friends John, Dylan, and Andrew. We all decided to take their welding class just so that we didn't have to be in school for half of the day. Once I realized how fun and rewarding a welding career could be, I knew that it’s what I wanted to make a career out of, I packed my bags and said goodbye to my parents. The time had come for me to begin a new chapter in my life.

I accepted a third shift welding job in a small Minnesota city called Detroit Lakes, about an hour east of Fargo, North Dakota. Here is where I experienced a completely new process of welding. When learning welding in high school, they only taught us the absolute basics of welding. I was ecstatic to learn the new way to weld, and I put my welding hood down every night, eager to hone my skill. One night when welding production was slow, my shift lead pulled me into his office and asked me to help out in the tubing department. With the same amount of drive I had for learning welding, I now put into learning how to use tube bending machines. I knew that the more new types of jobs I could learn, the better my resume would look. Plus, it got me out of my welding cubicle and into a new part of the building. I made so many mistakes while working in the tubing department, but that didn't stop me from loving the benefits of learning new skills. Throughout the one and a half years I was working here, I was also dating a beautiful girl from south Florida, her name is Erin. We had met when I was 15, and she was 13 and began dating my senior year of high school. One day I realized that I didn't want to date her from such long distances. So this snow-loving, forest exploring welder once again packed up his bags and moved to the concrete jungle of Cooper City, Florida.

To provide for myself while looking for welding jobs, I had to take a landscaping job. Now, everyone else that has lived in South Florida knows that landscaping is probably the last job a Florida resident would want, let alone some kid from Michigan who would run around in the snow with no shoes and only a pair of shorts on, for FUN. It didn't stop me; I was on top of the world. For the first time in my life, I was living a few towns over from the girl I loved. I worked insane hours in the Florida sun. Finally, after six months of job searching, I accepted a welding job working on multi-million dollar yachts. This is where I again experienced a completely new process of welding. With this new job came a whole new opportunity to learn all over again.

After about two years at that job, I gathered Erin and her two cousins along with John, my best friend from high school, and his girlfriend, and we went down to the Florida keys for the day. Everyone but Erin knew the real reason why we made such a special trip. As Kristina (Erin's cousin) and I placed candles in the shape of a heart, my actual heart was beating a million miles an hour. Was I about to ask Erin for her hand in marriage? Am I ready for such a new stage of life? Of course, I was, so with her father's blessing and her family's approval on the evening of January 3rd, I got down on one knee, and through a flood of tears and snot, I somehow managed to ask her to marry me. She said YES! Now came all the wedding planning. And on a cold rainy day on August 20th, in the front yard of my grandparent's house in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, Erin and I, along with her family, my family, and with a few of our closest friends, we exchanged our vows. After our honeymoon, we resumed our lives in South Florida. Erin graduated from the Art Institute of Ft Lauderdale with an associate's degree in graphic design. Only one month after she graduated, we found ourselves packing all we owned into a U-Haul and moving across the country to the Chicago suburbs.

In the suburbs of Chicago, we are only a short six-hour drive to my parents' house and an even shorter three-hour flight back to South Florida. With completely new territory came a whole new set of beginnings. Erin got a job doing what she went to college for, and I found a new welding job. You guessed it! My new job consists of a whole new process of welding. We had to find a new church, which took some time, but we are finally at a church where we feel at home. For my most recent "New Beginning," we recently found out that Erin is pregnant with our first child. I have never been so excited about a new stage in life than I am now. As I look back, all of the early mornings I found myself in my tree stand praising God for a new sunrise, a new day, a new opportunity. I see that there is no better time to start new than in the morning. I hope you're not afraid to fail when encountering new beginnings because there will, for sure, be a new opportunity to try again in the morning.

------

For more tips on relationships, follow Family Bridges on social media @familybridges

Language English

Improve the “Me” to Impact the “We”

Sara — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 06:29:11 +0000

Improve the “Me” to Impact the “We”Sara Mon, 03/04/2019 - 00:29

Mar 4, 2019

By Eduardo Morales

Science and research speak to the tremendous benefits of personal growth. Whether it is adding to your skill-set to become more marketable in the industry, toning up that physique for a healthier lifestyle, or even expanding your knowledge by reading a book a week. These are all great things to pursue, but what about in the area of relationships? How do we invest in ourselves to produce stronger, healthier relationships, particularly in our marriages? What I have found is that what happens to ‘me’ impacts the ‘we.’ In other words, our personal growth has a splash effect on all our other relationships. However, if you want to keep the spark alive in your marriage, here are a few ways we can improve the 'me' to impact the 'we.'

Understand the Ingredients of a Healthy Relationship

Marriage is the most intimate relationship we will ever experience on earth. This type of relationship is focused around the greatest level of intimacy. At this level, nothing is hidden. A mutual acceptance takes place considering all the flaws, quirks, and uniqueness of who that person is, yet, completely loving them without condition. Marriage is a real-life work of art, as it brings together two different people, from different backgrounds, walks of life, families of origin, and crashes all their ideas together to paint a beautiful picture of love. However, to get to this level and maintain consistency, there needs to be a healthy balance of communication, conflict resolution, and connection. Grasping a deeper understanding of these ingredients and identifying ways you can improve in these areas will put you in a great position to have a happier, healthier marriage.

Go Back to School

Wait a second…No, I don’t mean literally going back to school, but more so, becoming a student again. First, take some time to evaluate yourself. Look at your communication styles, take a personality test or an Emotional Intelligence assessment. How are you doing with your self-management? Can you handle your emotions well? Be honest. Remember, the better you can learn about the ‘me’ effects your ability to better understand the ‘we.’ Then become a student of your spouse. Encourage them to take similar assessments so you can learn more about their responses. Or just watch and listen and take notes. I’ve found that all these assessments can give you a good idea who your partner is, but it takes intentional work to make sure you’re relating to them in their ways. Obtaining more information about your partner allows for improved communication. Have check-ins. There’s no better learning opportunity than simply talking with one another.

Learn to say “I’m sorry, will you forgive me...”

We know conflict is inevitable. And it’s not that happy couples don’t argue or experience less conflict, it is more about their perspective to approaching conflict. Healthy relationships strive for resolution, whereas unhealthy relationships pursue victory. One of the key elements of Emotional Intelligence is Social Awareness. Considering how our actions and words impact others. Importantly, recognizing when we’re wrong and being able to take ownership of our actions. So, learn how to say “I’m sorry” when we’re wrong. Take the approach of finding resolution instead of just trying to be right. This is key to keeping the spark alive because nothing douses the romantic flames more than conflict.

Create Space for Connection

I know, I know, not another test, but have you taken the 5 Love Languages test? Simply put, it’s a way to understand how you and your partner feel most loved and connected. Take some time to learn this. Try implementing things that will make your spouse feel the most loved. Maybe it's sending a short “I’m thinking of you (heart emoji)” text or greeting your partner with a long hug as they come home, or just offering to hear about their day and taking time to listen. Individuals can receive intimacy in many forms. Also, create space to keep that spark alive. How does a deep connection usually happen? Over time, through much talking, while being together. Make date nights a habit. Protect time in your calendar for that space for you and your spouse to connect. You don't need an agenda of activities, just be present. At the end of the day, be encouraged. No one has this all figured out. She needs work, he needs work, I need work, we all need work. Self-improvement and relational-improvement is a process. To have a healthy relationship and marriage, it will take intentional investments. So look at one thing you can start doing that would have a positive impact on your marriage today. Write it down. Tell it to your spouse or someone close to you to keep you accountable. Then put it in to practice. Shoot for once a week, then increase from there. While it may not be the easiest area to develop, growing yourself for the betterment of your relationships is one of the best personal investments you can make. ------- Eddie had been speaking on and writing about healthy relationships for several years now. His passion is to see young adults thrive, marriages flourish, and families become change agents in their community. Follow him on LinkedIn. For more tips on relationships, follow Family Bridges on social media @familybridges

Language English

5 Ways to Tell Them You Love Them

Sara — Fri, 22 Feb 2019 11:26:09 +0000

5 Ways to Tell Them You Love ThemSara Fri, 02/22/2019 - 05:26

Feb 22, 2019

By Sarah Pichardo

Sometimes those we are closest to need to hear just how much we love them. That they mean the world to us. That we care. Cause you know, Amor de corazón, vale un millón. You can't just keep all that love bottled up inside. Shout it from the rooftops, from the mountain tops, from your kitchen countertops - wherever, just do it! So here we go. The five ways to tell someone you love ‘em.

1. You’re always on my mind.

Not to be confused with Willie Nelson’s “You Were Always On My Mind.”

2. Have I told you lately that I love you?

Well? Have you?

3. I’d be lost without you.

Seriously. Some people have a horrible sense of direction and get lost in their own neighborhood let alone in the stratosphere of love. If this sounds like you, fess up.

4. I’m so lucky to have you in my life.

Luck isn’t just for the Irish. It’s for all of us who have friends, family, spouses, partners in crime that we just couldn’t live without. We’re lucky that they put up with us and stick around during our ups and downs.

5. You’re my everything.

Really and truly. If you love this person more than food, you got yourself a keeper. Let ‘em know. Often times we get comfortable with those we love and we tend to forget the little things. So how about taking it back. Way back. Check out this blog about going back to the basics. And don’t forget to say TE QUIERO today. ----- Sarah Pichardo is the Creative Director at Family Bridges. When she’s not obsessing over pixels, designs and scripts - or brainstorming plans to take over the world - she’s probably reading a book or overdoing it with the Christmas decorations. Follow her on… Twitter: @sarahp726 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarahp726/ For more tips on relationships, follow Family Bridges on social media @familybridges.

Language English

Keeping the Spark Alive: Going Back to Basics

Sara — Fri, 22 Feb 2019 11:26:03 +0000

Keeping the Spark Alive: Going Back to Basics

Sara Fri, 02/22/2019 - 05:26

Jan 28, 2021

Have you noticed that wonderful things happen when you least expect them? They suddenly appear, suddenly happen, take your breath away, and your world is infused with wonder and gratitude. As a couple, we are perfectly agreed on this one thing: we love nice surprises! And we have learned a fundamental truth about great surprises: you can help make them happen to you, if you are willing to do the hard work needed to set them up. Let us explain how this works.

Several years ago, the two of us, along with our teenage daughter, decided to go camping for the weekend. We chose a nearby location that we knew little about. We didn’t know if it would be ordinary or extraordinary. We took a chance. We pitched our tent in a narrow valley alongside a river. By the second day we were getting a bit restless, with limited options for entertainment. We decided to climb up the mountainside as a way of getting some fresh air and exercise, and to see what one could see from higher up.

The climb was tiresome, we had to wait for each other, and at one point it seemed we would not get high enough to see very far. One of us was eager to climb ahead, another was thinking of climbing back down. We decided to keep together, helping those who were tiring, and encouraging one another along in the steeper parts of the climb. This decision strengthened our emotional connection, which in turn kept us moving forward. We were so concentrated on the climbing that reaching the top came as a surprise. But even more surprising was the view: we could look off across mountain tops into the farther reaches of the valley. It was a wonderful gift, after a hard climb.

That experience was more than just a climb and a view. It was a life lesson about how surprises can be set up to happen. The key is what happens between the joyful start of the climb and the surprising view at the end: hard but necessary work! Marriage is like going on many climbs together. If you want to share “surprising views” on a regular basis, you will have to stay together in the tough times, speak encouragement to one another, and be willing to slow down when one of you is struggling. If you do this for one another, step by step you will advance until you reach the top. The view will confirm that the effort was worth it.

Something that will give you, as a couple, a renewed commitment for staying together and keeping the spark alive, is the answer to the question: What made you fall in love with each other? It might be tempting to brush that aside as something that was only good for getting things started between you, but the truth is: those reasons should stay with you and continue to motivate you, especially when staying together and keeping the spark alive seems very difficult to do. The middle of the climb, so to speak. The only way you will be able to achieve the big surprise is by staying together, encouraging one another, and helping each other along the way.

The motivation comes from remembering what made you fall in love; the emotional connection you established. Was it her sense of humor? Be a great companion so that the sense of humor will stay alive. Was it his zest for life? Be aware of ways you can share in his burdens and keep the joy alive. Was it her kindness? Be one who deserves kindness so that kindness can continue to be there.

The person you married is still there, beside you. He or she, too, wants to hold on to the things that made you love them in the first place.

The secret to keeping the surprises coming will be the hard work of keeping each other in love, by still sharing the things that made each of you special at the beginning, when you first fell in love.

You can get things started by looking into each other’s eyes and taking turns finishing this sentence: “when we first met, what I loved about you was ________ .” Do it back and forth several times, so that you can make a whole list of those special things that eventually convinced you to choose to do life together.

So, are you ready for a surprise-filled marriage? Get to work. Bring out, in you, the dashing, fun young man she fell in love with. Bring out, in you, the witty, daring young lady he fell in love with. Together, hand in hand, walk into your next adventure ready to work at it… and prepare yourselves for some “unexpected” surprises!

by Charles Woehr, Ph.D.

Language English