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Navigating the Hidden Traps: 5 Common Relationship Pitfalls and How to Sidestep Them for Lasting Connection

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Thu, 22 Jan 2026 17:55:09 +0000

Navigating the Hidden Traps: 5 Common Relationship Pitfalls and How to Sidestep Them for Lasting Connection

anny@familybri… Thu, 01/22/2026 - 11:55 Jan 22, 2026

One of the drawbacks of living in Chicago is the potholes. When I first moved here more than twenty years ago from Florida, where the roads are smooth and winters don’t exist, the cracked pavement and brutal cold were a stark reminder of what I had left behind. Back then, the potholes felt unpredictable, lurking in the most unexpected places. Blown tires and emergency air stops weren’t just inconveniences; they became a regular part of life.

Over the years, something changed. You begin to recognize where the potholes are. You grow more aware of the ones near your neighborhood and along your usual routes. And with that awareness, you learn to navigate differently. You slow down. You plan ahead. You avoid what you can so the drive is smoother and less costly.

Relationships are a lot like roads filled with potholes. When you’re aware of the hazards, you can prepare for them. You can avoid many altogether. But when you’re unaware—or dismissive—you’re far more likely to fall into common pitfalls that can damage trust, connection, and intimacy.

Becoming aware of these relational pitfalls can dramatically change how you navigate your marriage and close relationships.

As a clinical psychologist, I’ve spent countless hours walking alongside couples in crisis through private counseling sessions, workshops, retreats, and conferences, I’ve had the privilege of working with couples from richly diverse cultural backgrounds. What I’ve witnessed over time aligns closely with what research consistently shows. But these principles aren’t just theories I’ve read about or observed in others; I’ve also seen them unfold across my own twenty-eight years of marriage.

In the following article, I will highlight five common pitfalls couples encounter, along with practical strategies to help prevent them from sabotaging our relationships and to show how, with intention, they can actually become opportunities to strengthen the covenant.

Pitfall 1: The Silent Relationship Killer: It’s not what we say, it's what we can’t see.

Most couples don’t fail because they don’t talk. They fail because they don’t recognize the emotional habits they’ve formed. The real danger isn’t poor communication, it’s relational blind spots. The main issue is the destructive cycle couples fall into without realizing it. Each partner reacts in ways that make sense to them but unintentionally trigger the other. That reaction sparks a counter-reaction, and before long, both are locked into a dance neither remembers choosing.

These cycles often manifest as criticism met with defensiveness, emotional bids met with stonewalling, disappointment that hardens into contempt. According to John Gottman’s decades of research, these patterns are highly predictive of relational breakdown, not because couples are malicious, but because they are unaware.

Until couples can see the pattern, they will keep fighting the person instead of the cycle.

Most destructive cycles don’t start with big fights. They start with small cues: words, tones, facial expressions, or behaviors that activate old wounds, assumptions, and defenses.

An example of how this plays out is as follows:

One criticizes → the other defends → first escalates → second stonewalls

A criticism can sound like:

“I shouldn’t have to ask.”

“Here we go again…”

“You always” or “You never”

These trigger defensiveness or motivate the partner to shut down.

The trigger is rarely the real issue. It’s the alarm it sets off inside the relationship.

Abandonment or Rejection triggers sound like:

“Do whatever you want.”

“I’m done talking.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Forget it.”

These often trigger pursuing, panic, anger, or emotional flooding.

A few years ago, during COVID, my husband and I went through a particularly difficult season. Our teenage son developed a Candida infection after taking antibiotics for what began as a flu-related cold sore. His treatment required an extremely strict diet: no sugar and virtually no carbohydrates. For months, food planning became exhausting, emotional, and high-stakes.

About seven or eight months into this routine, I decided to try something new and searched for creative recipes to bring some variety back to our meals. A few of the ingredients weren’t technically on the approved list. As I was cutting carrots in the kitchen, my husband noticed and immediately reacted. His tone felt sharp and critical. I felt it in my chest. I became defensive and snapped back, telling him he was overreacting.

Not long after, I chose to step away and go for a hike. The interaction sat heavily with me. As I walked, I slowed myself down and began to reflect—not just on what happened, but on what I was feeling and why it affected me so deeply. That was when I realized something important: it was the first time since our son’s health crisis began that I had truly processed the emotional toll it had taken on me. I had been carrying the stress, fear, and pressure quietly for months. It had been building. I realized that what was really bothering me about the whole situation was how it stripped away our autonomy as a family. We were closed off to many of the usual activities and outings we had enjoyed because the diet was so restrictive we fell into just being home. Enriching experiences for our family is something I highly value, take pride and enjoy putting together.

As my mind started forming negative assumptions about my husband, his tone, his quick criticism, I caught myself. I could suddenly see the dance. This moment wasn’t really about carrots. There was more happening beneath the surface. We were both responding from strain, fear, and exhaustion. And it was in that awareness that I recognized what I now call the second major pitfall in relationships.

Action Step: Take a moment to reflect on the cycle you tend to fall into. Think about the most recent disagreement you had with your spouse. Write it down, and notice how each of you responded to one another.

You can use this simple format to help uncover your pattern:

“The more I ______, the more you ______, the more we ______.”

This exercise isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. Seeing the cycle is the first step to changing it.

Below are three other common relational cycles that couples often find themselves repeating.

One expresses hurt → the other minimizes → first protests → second withdraws
One seeks closeness → the other feels controlled → one pursues → the other distances
One shuts down → the other panics → one pressures → the other goes numb

Over time, couples stop hearing each other and start reacting to the emotional memory of past fights and get into a neurological rut.

Which of the relational cycles above do you relate to?

II. Pitfall 2: The Silent Shift from Partner to Opponent

When I slowed down and truly paused, setting my own grievances aside long enough to consider where my husband was coming from, something shifted. I began to wonder, What was really happening for him? Why did the carrots trigger such a strong reaction? What nerve had been touched?

And then it came back to me.

I remembered that as a child, my husband had spent nine months hospitalized in Peru due to serious health complications connected to his diet. During that time, visits were highly restricted. He was separated from his mother and left to endure long hospital days largely alone. His strictness around our son’s diet wasn’t just about food. It was about fear. It was about protection. It was about a deep, embodied memory of helplessness, vulnerability, and loss of control.

When I remembered his story, the cycle we had fallen into suddenly made sense.

I could see his reaction not as an attack, but as an alarm. Not as control, but as care shaped by unresolved pain. In that moment, he stopped being the villain of the story or an opponent I needed to defend myself against. He was my partner, responding from a place that deserved understanding, not combat.

When a partnership turns into a competition, when someone has to win and someone has to lose, ego takes over. Empathy disappears. Apologies become rare. Scorekeeping begins. And slowly, that mindset erodes emotional safety and sabotages the well-being of the relationship.

Action Step: After conflict:

Pause and reflect on your own feelings. Create intentional space to process the tension, later that evening, the next morning, or whenever you can be calm and reflective. Revisit the most recent moment of strain with your spouse and explore what you were truly feeling and why. Go beneath the surface. Name it. Write it down. When emotions remain unprocessed, they often stay lodged in the body and end up leaking out in ways that betray our deeper intentions.
Write down assumptions and interpretations. Next, ask yourself what story you were telling about the situation. What did you assume? What meaning did you give it? Write that down too, and consider where those interpretations might be coming from.
Consider your partner’s perspective and history. Then comes the harder—and more transformative—part: turn your attention toward your spouse. Ask yourself, What might they be feeling? Why might this situation have impacted them so strongly? Recall their history, past experiences, and previous conversations. You may not know the full answer and that’s okay. The posture of curiosity itself begins to lower emotional intensity and soften the nervous system.
Re-engage with empathy, not accusation. It can also be helpful to consider personality and how our natural dispositions shape the way we and our spouses communicate. We’re all wired differently, and many conflicts arise when we interpret a spouse’s reaction as personal or intentional, when in reality it often reflects their personality and how they experience the world. While we can always learn and grow, it helps to resist assigning ill intent to our partner. As you reflect on a recent disagreement or tension, ask yourself: Is my spouse’s response consistent with how they are wired? Understanding their personality can bring empathy, reduce unnecessary conflict, and help you respond more thoughtfully. When you return to the conversation, you’re far more likely to speak with empathy rather than accusation and empathy creates the conditions for a productive, connecting dialogue rather than a competitive one.

III. Pitfall 3: Letting External Influences Erode Your Bond

One of the most subtle yet powerful threats to a relationship is allowing outside voices to carry more weight than the one across from you. Social media invites constant comparison: highlight reels that quietly suggest other marriages are happier, more romantic, more exciting, or more successful. Family and friends, often well-intentioned, can unintentionally plant seeds of doubt, division, or pressure. Past wounds, unresolved stories, and previous relationships can also get projected onto a present partner who never authored them. Over time, these external influences pull couples out of alignment, shifting loyalty from the partnership to opinions, fears, and expectations that don’t belong to the marriage.

One common theme I hear from couples involves the influence of in-laws, most often a mother-in-law. While many couples are thoughtful about acknowledging the strengths, support, and positive qualities their extended family brings, they also frequently describe in-laws as a significant source of tension. Conflict often arises when one partner feels the other is taking sides, sharing private matters, or making decisions with an in-law’s input without fully considering their spouse’s needs, boundaries, or perspective. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and unity within the marriage. In some extreme situations I’ve encountered, the level of distress has become so severe that it led to deeply unhealthy and even destructive behaviors, highlighting just how powerful and destabilizing unresolved in-law dynamics can be.

Action Step: Prioritize your inner circle. Establish couple-only decision rules, practice media detoxes, and return regularly to shared values and vision.

IV. Pitfall 4: Ignoring Bids for Connection

“I feel lonely even though I am married” is a lament I hear all too often. Busy schedules, endless responsibilities, and the lack of intentional moments for connection can leave couples feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. When there is time together, it’s often hijacked by social media, screens, or digital distractions, now including AI coaches and other online tools that, while helpful, can inadvertently replace real human connection. Ignoring or neglecting the relationship through missed daily bids for connection—hugs, kisses, cuddling, or meaningful conversation—slowly erodes intimacy. Every interaction is a deposit into the emotional “bank account” of the relationship. When couples fail to make those deposits, they find themselves emotionally underfunded, especially when life’s inevitable crises demand withdrawals. The result is distance, frustration, and a quiet loneliness that can exist even in the same room.

Action Step: Take initiative. Schedule regular time together, even if it’s simple: coffee, a walk, or a tech-free hour each day or week. Small, consistent actions rebuild connection.

V. Pitfall 5: Rushing Milestones or Losing Individuality

My husband participates in a couple of sports groups—soccer and ultimate frisbee before dawn during the week. When he comes home after playing, competing, and enjoying time with other men, he’s a new man. He’s happy, upbeat, and energized. While exercise certainly contributes to his mood, the real shift comes from being part of a community of men who share his interests, competitiveness, and sense of fun. In these spaces, he doesn’t have to meet all of his social or competitive needs through me or the kids.

I have similar experiences with women’s groups—book clubs or Bible studies—where my emotional and social needs are nurtured. These examples show how we’ve intentionally cultivated friendship, fun, and connection outside of our marriage. Beyond work, we maintain both shared community and individual communities.

Many marriages lose this balance. Couples become absorbed in each other and attempt to meet every emotional, social, and personal need solely within the marriage. In some Latin American countries, the phrase “media naranja”—or “your other half”—reflects this idea of finding someone to complete you. While romantic in theory, the concept can be misleading. It suggests we are incomplete without our partner, which can foster co-dependency and place unrealistic expectations on the marriage. Healthy relationships thrive not when we rely entirely on one another for fulfillment, but when each partner is fully formed, while still choosing to share life together.

Along the same lines is the tendency for couples to try to do life alone. Couples who actively engage with other couples, families, and communities consistently thrive. This was clearly demonstrated in a five-year study we conducted with 3,000 couples across eight churches in the Chicagoland area. Similar patterns emerge in national and cross-sectional studies: couples who participate in church or community-based activities together experience stronger, healthier relationships.

Action Step: Cultivate both shared and individual communities. Pursue interests, friendships, and group activities outside the marriage while returning to shared experiences with intentionality.

Building a Pitfall-Proof Relationship

Change is often not revolutionary. It's not loud. It doesn’t enter with bells, whistles and exclamation points. It comes through shifts. It comes with micro habits. With the next wise step. It comes with sacred moments of solace, of an embracing compassionate embrace, of seeing the other with depth of understanding, of being valued and loved and you know it's happening because it brings a wind of hope.

Throughout this article, we’ve explored some of the most common relationship pitfalls: falling into unconscious cycles, losing empathy for one another, letting external influences erode your bond, and neglecting connection and individuality. We’ve also discussed practical strategies to avoid them—from pausing to process your own emotions, practicing empathy, setting healthy boundaries, to cultivating friendships and communities outside the marriage. Remember, meaningful change doesn’t happen overnight. Small, intentional steps compound over time and can transform the trajectory of your relationship.

Pick one strategy today and put it into practice. Whether it’s scheduling a tech-free date night, reflecting on your emotional patterns, or setting a boundary with external influences, take that small step, and the next wise step, establish the new habit and with due time, your relationship will flourish.

What pitfall resonates most with you? How will you respond differently next time?

By sidestepping these common traps, you’re not just surviving, you’re creating a connection that thrives, one rooted in empathy, intentionality, and love.

Resource:

Family Portrait: Sign up to experience the Family Bridges theatrical presentation, which explores family dynamics—including in-laws—and comes with discussion guides. Watch it with your partner, or gather your family for a watch party, and use the prompts to reflect on your own relationship pitfalls and areas for growth. It’s a fun, interactive way to spark meaningful conversations and strengthen your connections.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

marriage

relationships

couples

Language English

What We Hide When We Say “I’m Fine”

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 19:05:35 +0000

What We Hide When We Say “I’m Fine”

anny@familybri… Tue, 12/02/2025 - 13:05 Dec 2, 2025

We all say “I’m fine.” But hidden hurt has a way of leaking into our homes, our marriages, our parenting, and even how we see ourselves.

Years ago, my husband was getting ready to head to the airport. He was joining a few of his teammates on a mission trip and was full of excitement. I was in the kitchen doing the dishes, and as I reached into a glass cup to wash it, it shattered in my hand. The cut was deep, but I didn’t want to interrupt his moment. I quickly said, “Go ahead, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

He left. And I stayed. I rinsed the wound, wrapped it in a bandage, and kept moving as if nothing had happened. But that night, the pain wouldn’t let me rest. It throbbed constantly, reminding me something was wrong. Still, I told myself I could handle it. I’d sleep it off.

By the next day, I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I went to the doctor, and sure enough, the glass had touched a nerve. The doctor gently scolded me for not coming in sooner. It took weeks before I felt real relief.

Holding onto emotional pain is a lot like that cut. We tell ourselves, “I’m fine.” We cover it up. We keep moving. We ignore the throbbing. But unhealed wounds don’t disappear, they deepen. And the longer they go untreated, the more damage they do beneath the surface.

Forgiveness, in many ways, is like finally going to the doctor. It isn’t easy. It stings. It means uncovering what we tried to hide. But it’s also the only way to truly heal. Because when we hold onto pain, it doesn’t protect us, it delays our healing and sends ripples into everything we touch. We think holding on keeps us safe, but really, it just keeps us stuck.

The “Bodyguards” We Mistake for Strength

There are emotions we often use as shields; anger, fear, and pride. They aren’t villains. At first, they act like bodyguards.

Anger says, “If I stay mad, I stay safe.” It builds a wall so we don’t have to touch the wound.
Fear whispers, “If I forgive, it will happen again.” It tries to protect us from future harm.
Pride insists, “I’m right to hold this. Letting go means losing power.” It props us up when we feel small.

In my early years, anger became my armor. It helped me survive. But over time, that same anger began to leak into my relationships, my work, and even how I saw myself. Instead of being the one who was wounded, I began wounding others. What once protected me began to imprison me. That’s one of anger’s hidden lessons, it points to the deeper place that needs healing. Often beneath anger is a broken trust, a violated boundary, or a deep grief we didn’t know how to name.

Sometimes we even spiritualize our defenses. I know I did. “God knows my heart. Justice is His.” Those words are true, but I used them to avoid my pain.

As C.S. Lewis once wrote, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea… until they have something to forgive.”

There is no shame in struggling with these emotions. They’re human. The danger is letting them run the show. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger… Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” — Ephesians 4:31–32

What Forgiveness Is, and What It Isn’t

Forgiveness isn’t pretending the wound didn’t happen….It’s telling the truth about the harm, and choosing not to carry it as your identity.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean dropping boundaries.. It means dropping bitterness. You can forgive and still say, “Access to me will look different now.”

Forgiveness is not letting someone off the hook…It’s letting your heart off the leash. It takes the weight of yesterday and turns it into wisdom for today.

Most of all, forgiveness is how we stop protecting the pain and start inviting God to heal it. “Lord, this hurts… but I trust You to touch what I cannot fix.”

God cannot heal what we keep hiding.

A Gentle Way to Begin

If forgiveness feels overwhelming, you don’t have to rush it. You can begin gently:

Name the wound beneath the anger. What was broken, trust, safety, dignity, belonging?
Notice your bodyguards. Which one shows up first, anger, fear, or pride?
Take one release step. Pray honestly. Journal a letter you’ll never send. Tell a safe person the truth.
Set one boundary. Let healing take root without reopening the wound.

You did not deserve what hurt you. But you do deserve to be free.

Prayer to close:
Jesus, I’m tired of saying “I’m fine” when I’m not. Show me what my anger/fear/pride has been protecting. Give me courage to forgive as You forgave me. Heal what I cannot. Amen.

by Omaira Gonzalez

forgiveness

faith

spiritual

relationships

Language English

When It Rains on the Parade

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Mon, 09 Jun 2025 20:26:30 +0000

When It Rains on the Parade

anny@familybri… Mon, 06/09/2025 - 15:26 Jun 9, 2025

It’s hard to escape the headlines or scroll through social media without catching a glimpse of the very public clash between two of the world’s richest and most powerful men. Commentators have dubbed the blow-up everything from a “break-up” to a “divorce.”

As someone who works in the relationship space, I couldn’t help but view the situation through a relational lens. What stood out were some painfully familiar dynamics that many distressed couples experience:

Issues get ignored or shelved instead of addressed
One person is celebrating and another is harboring resentments and fuming on differences
External pressures expose internal fractures
Side conversations (or social media spats) fuel tension
Arguments escalate with historical “archaeological digs”
A cycle of guilt and shame sets in after harsh words are exchanged

And just like in personal relationships, these moments lead to a critical choice: do we turn toward each other to reconcile, or do we turn away and further deepen the divide?

It all reminded me of another relationship rupture, one found in Scripture.

David was celebrating with abandon, shouting and dancing with all his might as he brought the ark of the Lord into Jerusalem. After years of hardship: fleeing Saul, taking refuge with enemies, enduring countless battles, this was his moment of joyful return, a spiritual and personal triumph.

David, with his whole heart, was having a party for God.

But not everyone shared his joy.

Michal, his wife, looked out the window and saw David leaping and whirling. The Bible tells us, “she despised him in her heart.”

Michal had her own history, one filled with betrayal, loss, and forced choices. She once risked her life for David, only to be given in marriage to another man by her father, Saul. Two decades later, her father is dead, David is king, and she is taken from a husband who may have loved her and returned to a man who is now a stranger.

And so, instead of joining in the celebration, Michal lashes out:

"How glorious was the king of Israel today—shamelessly uncovering himself in front of the servant girls like a vulgar man!”

Her words weren’t just critical; they were cutting. Her timing couldn’t have been worse.

But David didn’t hold back either. He struck back, referencing her father and asserting his divine right to rule:
"It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father… and I will celebrate before the Lord even more undignified than this."

What could have been a moment of reconnection became a duel. They used their words like weapons, and the result was distance, not unity.

And the story ends on a sad note. The Bible tells us that Michal remained childless, and there’s no further record of their relationship. It seems David withdrew from her and never returned to her.

We all have moments when we feel misunderstood or misaligned with the people closest to us. And like David and Michal, we’re faced with a choice: to engage with humility, or to wound with pride.

Even in moments of triumph, unresolved pain has a way of rising to the surface.

Let’s be mindful of the words we speak because sometimes, the real clash isn’t about the moment, but everything that’s been buried underneath.

Many marriages have fallen on hard times just as David’s and Michal’s. It is not a duet but a duel and there is constant cutting and pain. Every issue becomes a duel.

Alas, healing is possible.

Start with a spirit of humility, explore your role, own personal responsibility for your part, leave your ego aside, lean in and seek to make amends, and find common ground.

Don’t ignore issues, address them as they arise.
Celebrate each other’s wins, and grieve the losses together.
Be mindful of each other’s sore spots and emotional triggers.
Speak directly to the person involved, not to an audience.
Stay focused on the issue at hand, don’t dredge up the past.
Choose grace. Choose forgiveness. Every time.

For more tips, read our blog on crucial conversation and click here to check out or online workshop on conflict.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

relationships

faith

spiritual

Language English

When You Don't Want to Forgive

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Wed, 08 Mar 2023 01:53:34 +0000

When You Don't Want to Forgive

anny@familybri… Tue, 03/07/2023 - 19:53 Mar 7, 2023

“I don’t know if I am an optimist, I mean, I haven’t really had anything terrible happen to me.” My husband and I exchanged glances as we listened to our 13-year old son’s assessment about whether or not he’s an optimist.

The last five months have been a bit of an ordeal in our home as my son has had to go on a very restrictive diet due to a candida yeast, which took a hold after he was on some antibiotics last Fall. Candida thrives on sugar so it has meant our family has had our lives turned upside down as we figured out how to satiate the hunger of a growing 13-year old without carbs.

At first, I responded a bit dismissively, not fully registering the complications of the situation and assuming some topicals and a “little diet” would take care of the issue. Months later after trying one medicine after another along with some recommended herbal/natural treatments with little to no improvement, the gravity of the situation began to sink in. One day, I was advocating for adding more creative foods to the diet while my husband remained adamant about sticking to the strict diet given the research he had done. As our discussion ended in a gridlock, I went for a hike to let out some steam. As I turned the situation over in my head, I initially slid into the typical self-righteous dialogue that reinforced how right I was and how wrong my husband was. In fact, I recall thinking to myself, “Oh no, this time, there is no way I am apologizing.” Except this time, as these thoughts sought to harden my heart, they were met by the scriptures. Verses from a sermon I had recently listened to came to mind,

“ A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45

“Okay, you win,” I relented to God and began the hard work of sifting through the frustration and anger that was simmering in my heart. After taking a moment to let myself feel how unsettling everything had been and venting about losing a sense of control, I was able to let go of my defenses. There are at least 10 defensive mechanisms psychologists have identified that shed light on why it's so tough for us to work through the pain we experience (e.g., denial, repression, rationalization, ignoring, avoiding and so on). Humans are experts at avoiding pain.

If you can push past this resistance and allow yourself to face the pain you’re experiencing, you can then surrender the pain to the cross and begin the healing process. The second hard task requires you to be merciful with yourself and with your loved ones. When you're angry, upset, and feeling self-absorbed, it's so hard to turn over a new leaf and consider what the other person is going through, what their pain points are, and where they’re coming from.

Even though my heart was not in it, I decided to listen to the Holy Spirit and to follow my own advice. So I turned my back on my pride and considered where my husband was coming from. Just asking myself the question, “How does he see it?” opened up my frame of mind. It took my focus away from myself and allowed me to see a bigger picture that softened my heart.

Instead of trying to make winning arguments, we listened to each other’s stories. When my husband was five years old he was hospitalized for 10 months and at the time, out of an abundance of caution, his pregnant mother did not come to visit him. Seeing our son go through an illness that escaped his ability to fix the situation resurfaced the heightened sense of helplessness, abandonment and fear he experienced as a child. Once we could appreciate the motivation behind the responses we each had, forgiveness came easily and we were able to strategize and get back to working together as a team. We fell into a healthier rhythm and could extend a generous helping of grace towards one another.

Couples do this. They pull away from each other in a rebellious urge to exercise some independence of thought and ideas, and to de-escalate from the intensity of the moment. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Actually, it's good to air out differences and we encourage couples to take a time-out before things escalate or get out of hand. However, what we do when we take a break matters. If we let bitterness take root in our hearts, it can lead to contempt. If we frequently run to other things that offer an “escape” for a moment and fail to deal with the issue at all, we create dividing walls between us and our loved ones and can even develop addictions and entrenched behaviors that leave us feeling trapped. This pattern of behavior leads to self-isolation and further alienation from those we love. Deciding to come together is a journey that requires us to put our egos aside and that process isn’t easy. Thankfully, Christ has already shown us the way, “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). What a relief it is to know that we don’t have to do this alone! We can go to God to carry the burden for us and rely on him to carve a beautiful path through the hardship.

The joy we experience together as a family today is something I am deeply grateful for. I am blessed to have a loving husband who is supportive in our ministry and family life in many practical ways. These moments of contentment and peace have flowed out of daily decisions to live out the marriage covenant in a way that is honoring to God. It is not something that just happens on its own. In fact, our natural tendency is to pull away and live for the self, not to be united in mind and of one accord.

We need lots of reminders along the way to stay on course. We’ve been incredibly blessed to have these reminders sprinkled throughout our marriage by attending couples retreats, participating in small groups with other couples where we can pray with one another and hold each other up, and by serving together.

I don’t know what challenging situation(s) you may be going through right now, but I do know seasons come and go and yet one thing remains constant—Christ is ever before us.

I hope you’ll take some time to check out some of the resources and ideas listed below to help you grow in your faith and marriage this season:

Featured Resources:

Couples Workshops & Small Groups: Commit to doing life with other couples. I recently met with a group of volunteers trained under our AVANCE program who have been meeting and serving together for five years. They shared how their community had helped them stay married, stay encouraged, and stay hopeful. There are many ministries and programs, like AVANCE, that equip leaders and provide support to help churches launch a sustainable and flourishing marriage and family ministry. And these programs work. In fact, a recently completed five year study of AVANCE showed that participants who participated in all six of the program offerings experienced a 12.6% increase in their marital health and satisfaction. I hope you’ll reach out to us to learn about some of our options or to launch a group in your community if you don’t already have one. You can start a group in your neighborhood, church, kids school and even at your place of work.

Getaways: Family Life has many couples getaways throughout the year where you can take some time to be enriched in your marriage. And now, there are 9 retreats available in Spanish! Check it out HERE.

Featured Book: Check out the new book just released by Shaunti Feldhan and Dr. Michael Sytsma on the secrets of sex and marriage. In fact, if you are in the Chicagoland area, you can listen to Shaunti Feldhan in person at our May 23rd event. Click HERE to learn more or register for this event.

Streaming: Watch some movies together. In fact, one study has shown that simply watching movies and incorporating a discussion about the relationship dynamics of the couples on screen can have very positive effects on your marriage. Don’t know what to watch? Start by streaming The Chosen. Season 3 includes some riveting scenes centered around a few of the hard issues couples often face. Check it out.

Counseling: Reach out to us for counseling referrals or to participate in an intensive couples retreat.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

forgiveness

compromise

marriage

faith

Language English

Family & Mixed Election Experiences: Hope vs. Heartache

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Wed, 06 Nov 2024 22:22:10 +0000

Family & Mixed Election Experiences: Hope vs. Heartache

anny@familybri… Wed, 11/06/2024 - 16:22 Nov 6, 2024

As the dust settles from the 2024 Presidential campaign, you might find yourself waking up on Tuesday morning either brimming with optimism or weighed down by disappointment.

This landmark election saw unprecedented voter turnout, reflecting the deep commitment Americans felt towards shaping their future. It was an emotional rollercoaster that tugged at the nation's heartstrings. Consequently, social media was a whirlwind of emotions, with some friends celebrating and others enveloped in sorrow.

What impact does this have on our households? Did families rally together in support of a single party, or were there divides between parents and their children, aunts, and uncles? Even if your nuclear family generally agrees on political matters, you might still find yourself clashing with extended family or friends.

With such intense feelings in the air, how do we navigate these emotions and prepare for the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday or cherished family gatherings?

If you are finding yourself dealing with the whiplash of the election and it is spilling into your living room, you may not be alone.

As you navigate the evolving political climate with your family in the coming weeks and months, pause and take inventory of how you are showing up. Answer the following questions first before you burn the relational bridges that matter the most.

1. Where Is Your Heart?

In the art of communication, aligning with another's emotions is crucial, yet challenging when you're on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. If you're feeling optimistic about what's ahead, it might be hard to open your heart to someone else's experience without dismissing it outright. Conversely, if you're grappling with disappointment, resentment and anger can cloud your ability to engage with others' viewpoints and ideas.

When disappointment strikes, it’s often because our dreams and expectations have veered off course from reality. On the flip side, celebrating a victory fuels our optimism, as our aspirations have not only been realized but surpassed.

Life's major disappointments can serve as pivotal turning points, offering a unique opportunity for growth. However, In moments of disappointment, some channel their dissatisfaction outward, blaming others for unmet expectations, which can breed resentment and bitterness.

Reflect on the emotions stirring within your heart. Identify your fears, jot them down, and seek solace in reflection or prayer. Unacknowledged, these feelings can seep out, turning words into sharp, unintended weapons that wound those around you.

On the flip side, if you're riding a wave of hope and excitement, be mindful of how your enthusiasm might overshadow the need to pause, truly listen, and empathize with others' frustrations. Embrace curiosity about their stories and experiences.

2. What Is Your Disposition?

Each of us is uniquely wired, shaping how we react to life's twists and turns. Last month, I delved into the fascinating ways our personalities influence our responses. Perhaps you're the type who calls it like it is, making bold decisions with confidence, guided by intuition and experience. When faced with setbacks, you don't shy away; instead, you tackle challenges head-on, turning obstacles into opportunities. If you find yourself acting on impulse, especially when emotions run high, you might have moved on swiftly from the elections without a second thought.

However, if you're someone who tends to ponder every detail, weighing options and considering future implications, you might find yourself dwelling on the decision. In this scenario, it's crucial to set boundaries on media consumption and external influences to prevent becoming emotionally overwhelmed.

3. What are Your Values?

Reflect on what truly matters to you and hold your core values close. If family and loved ones top your list, ask yourself if proving a point is worth risking those precious bonds. Choosing family means setting aside disputes and fostering an environment of grace, love, and forgiveness. Embrace a mindset of curiosity and understanding towards others.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

compromise

emotions

extended family

Holiday

Language English

Political Dialogue vs. Division at the Family Table

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Mon, 14 Oct 2024 22:21:43 +0000

Political Dialogue vs. Division at the Family Table

anny@familybri… Mon, 10/14/2024 - 17:21 Oct 14, 2024

During a contentious election season, discussing politics becomes inevitable. Despite your skill in diverting topics or coming up with excuses to sidestep family gatherings, the pressing political issues eventually demand attention. When that moment arrives, you might find yourself in a tense conversation with a parent, sibling, uncle, or cousin, potentially leading to anger, tears, or even lasting harm to your relationship. Below are some tips as you navigate these conversations.

Modes of Communication

There are three transformative modes of communication—dialogue, discussion, and debate—each offering its own unique advantages and challenges. In your interactions with family and friends, the art of dialogue reigns supreme, inviting open participation and attentive listening from a place of genuine curiosity, rather than the urge to triumph in an argument. By embracing dialogue, you nurture relationships and open doors to new insights. While debates can offer valuable perspectives, the quest to win can sometimes jeopardize connections if not handled with care.

Personality Tendencies in Political Discussion

Braver Angels offers a fascinating approach to understanding how personality types engage in political discussions. Imagine the peacekeeper, who steers clear of conflict by swiftly ending conversations, or the sniper, who fires off sharp remarks and then vanishes. Then there's the gladiator, charging at anyone with opposing views, and the defender, twisting others' words for their gain. The bystander stands aloof, completely detached from the debate, while the engager actively seeks meaningful dialogue to bridge divides. Do you relate with any of these types of approaches in responding to political conversations? If so, which type and what are some things you can work on in promoting constructive dialogue?

Dialogue Steps

Clarify: Are you truly hearing what’s being said during those intense debates? It’s easy to overestimate our listening skills, especially when passions run high. To ensure genuine understanding, aim to restate your loved one’s perspective so accurately that they exclaim, “That’s exactly right!” This shift from defensiveness to curiosity is key. Avoid the common pitfall of distorting their words to sound absurd or malicious, as this only breeds division. Instead, embrace the power of paraphrasing to bridge gaps and build meaningful connections.
Discover Common Ground: Embark on a journey to connect by finding shared values, even if it's just a tiny patch of understanding. When in a bind, lean in to the shared challenge of navigating complex issues.
Transition with Tact: Once you've truly listened to your family member and acknowledged the shared bond that unites you, gauge their openness to listen to your perspective. Emphasize the importance of verifying that the other party is genuinely interested in what you have to say—otherwise, advancing the conversation is futile. If interest is lacking, gracefully steer the conversation elsewhere.
Share Your Story: When it comes to family or loved ones, heartfelt experiences resonate. Frame your viewpoints through the lens of personal impact. Focus on how specific issues have shaped your life.
Explore a New Path: Instead of presenting your opinions, consider taking a different approach by posing thoughtful questions about the viewpoints that concern you. Adopt a humble stance with questions. The unexpected twist here is the goal isn’t to sway someone’s opinion but to reach their heart, nurture the relationship, and foster dialogue.
Own Your Mistakes: Just like mastering any craft, communication is a journey of growth and learning. Be patient with yourself and your loved ones as you explore new communication techniques. When a misstep leads to hurt feelings or defensiveness, take the courageous step to apologize. Assure them that you're on a path to becoming a more effective communicator. Remember, it's perfectly okay to pause, regroup, and return to the conversation refreshed and ready to connect.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

family

listening

Language English

Confronting Confrontation

Sara — Thu, 21 Sep 2023 21:38:35 +0000

Confronting Confrontation

Sara Thu, 09/21/2023 - 16:38 Sep 26, 2023

Confrontation. For many, the mere mention of the word sends shivers down their spine. It's no secret that many people dread confrontation, avoiding it like the plague whenever possible. However, what if I told you that confrontation is not the villain it's often made out to be? In fact, it can be a powerful tool for personal growth, understanding and conflict resolution. Let’s confront confrontation.

Conflict is Inevitable

Conflict is an unavoidable part of life. Whether it's in our personal relationships, workplaces or communities, conflicts will arise. Instead of avoiding confrontation at all costs, embracing it as a means to resolve these conflicts effectively is more productive.

When we accept that conflict is a natural part of human interaction, we can approach it with less fear and more readiness to engage in open, honest discussions. This acceptance allows us to grow as individuals and fosters healthier relationships.

Misunderstandings: The Root of Conflict

Most of the time, conflict arises out of misunderstandings. When we don't express our thoughts and feelings clearly, or when we misinterpret the intentions of others, conflict brews. Confrontation, through conversation, provides a platform to untangle these misunderstandings and get to the heart of the matter.

Consider the situation between Pilar and her mother, Marisol. Pilar feels frustrated because she's tasked with staying home to babysit her younger brother, conflicting with plans she had made earlier, which her mother was unaware of. However, it's only through a candid conversation that Marisol discovers the true underlying reasons behind Pilar's discontent.

Confrontation as an Opportunity

Confrontation, when approached with the right mindset, is not a battlefield; it's a conversation and an opportunity. It's the opportunity to share your point of view and, equally importantly, to listen to another person's perspective. When two people come together with open hearts and minds, confrontation becomes a space for meaningful dialogue and growth.

Approach Confrontation with Respect and Empathy

Respect and empathy are the bedrocks of productive confrontation. Without them, even the most well-intentioned confrontations can turn into bitter arguments.

Respect means acknowledging the other person's right to their opinions and feelings, even if they differ from your own. When you approach confrontation with respect, you create an atmosphere where everyone feels heard and valued, reducing defensiveness and resistance.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It's about putting yourself in the other person's shoes and trying to see the situation from their perspective. Empathy allows you to connect on a deeper level and fosters compassion and understanding, even in a disagreement.

When you combine respect and empathy, you can transform potentially explosive situations into opportunities for growth and understanding. Here's how to do it:

Actively Listen: Actively listen to the other person without interrupting. Give them your full attention and show that you genuinely care about their point of view.
Validate Feelings: Even if you disagree with their viewpoint, acknowledge their feelings. You can say something like, "I understand that you're feeling frustrated about this, and I want to hear more about why."
Avoid Blame and Accusations: Instead of pointing fingers and assigning blame, express your concerns using "I" statements. For instance, say, "I felt hurt when..." instead of "You always do this."
Use Non-Verbal Cues: Your body language and tone of voice matter. Maintain open body language, avoid aggressive gestures, and speak calmly and respectfully.
Keep it Simple and Factual: One key to successful confrontation is to keep it simple and stick to the facts. Emotions can run high during confrontations, making it tempting to delve into personal attacks or long-winded explanations. However, this approach often escalates the conflict rather than resolving it.
Seek Common Ground: Look for areas of agreement or compromise. Finding common ground can be a significant step toward resolution.
Stay Solution-Focused: Ultimately, the goal of confrontation is to find a solution or resolution. Keep the conversation focused on finding ways to address the issue at hand.

Approaching confrontation with respect and empathy is the key to unlocking its potential for positive outcomes. When you respect the other person's perspective and empathize with their feelings, you create an environment where productive discussions can occur. Remember that confrontation doesn't have to be a battleground; it can be a bridge to better understanding and stronger relationships.

The Positive Outcomes of Confrontation

When we confront issues and conflicts head-on, several positive outcomes can emerge:

Improved Communication: It encourages us to communicate more clearly and openly, leading to better understanding between parties.
Problem Resolution: It can lead to the identification of problems and their resolution.
Strengthened Relationships: When handled constructively, it can strengthen relationships by promoting honesty and trust.
Personal Growth: Embracing confrontation allows individuals to develop conflict resolution skills and emotional intelligence.

Confrontation may still trigger apprehension in many, but it doesn't have to be a dreaded ordeal. It's a chance to foster understanding, clear up misunderstandings, and resolve conflicts. By keeping it simple, sticking to the facts, and accepting conflict as a part of life, we can harness the power of confrontation for personal growth and more harmonious relationships. So, the next time you face a confrontation, remember it's just a conversation and embrace it as an opportunity for positive change.

by Sarah Pichardo

Language English

Get Uncomfortable and Have the Crucial Conversation

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Mon, 08 May 2023 19:28:48 +0000

Get Uncomfortable and Have the Crucial Conversation

anny@familybri… Mon, 05/08/2023 - 14:28 May 8, 2023

“Let's talk." Has someone ever sat down with you to talk? Maybe you responded by getting defensive, your heart skipped a beat, or you were thoughtful.

Or maybe there have been times when you have had to initiate a candid discussion with someone else.

How did that go?

Are you avoiding having an honest chat with someone right now?

A few weeks ago, I spoke at the Convey Health Solutions Women's Summit about the importance of having crucial conversations—taking the time to understand what’s going on in your heart and the narrative that’s informing that. So often, because of pressure, time constraints, or all the coping mechanisms we have, we don't go there and avoid sifting through the underlying factors that inform how we feel.

If you are seething with anger, guilt, disappointment, jealousy, or greed, you will quickly escalate into a heated discussion, one colored by blaming and criticism; you will be inflexible and most likely will struggle to be curious about where the other person is coming from and take their perspectives into account.

Instead, take the time to sift through the core issues and emotions stirred up by the situation, ask yourself why you feel that way, and cope with that first. It may require some forgiveness or letting go of what is outside of your realm of control.

You are responsible for your feelings—no one ”makes you” feel this way or that way— you have to deal with that stuff first if you don't want to emotionally vomit on someone else when you sit down and have a candid conversation.

Then, ask yourself, what do I want? What changes do I want to see? Once you know what you want, you can be clear in asking for that specifically when you talk.

Sometimes, one talk is all it takes to clear the air and get unstuck. But, more often, you need several conversations to negotiate a path agreeable to all parties. Stay the course. I have seen this workout both at home and at work.

Know your heart.
Know what you want.
Ask for what you want.
Know the other's heart and what they want.
Be open to negotiating a path forward.

Need some support or help in sifting through your heart or in having a crucial conversation? Let’s talk. Click HERE to schedule a call.

by Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D.

Language English

Did I Really Talk to My Mother That Way?

anny@familybridgesusa.org — Fri, 02 Sep 2022 18:42:26 +0000

Did I Really Talk to My Mother That Way?

anny@familybri… Fri, 09/02/2022 - 13:42 Sep 2, 2022

As a child, I used to believe that my mother had supernatural powers. Just imagine, all it took was one firm look and a raise of her pointer finger and I knew that meant “get my act together.” She never used her words, her body language would say it all. Can you relate? She was the matriarch of the family, a strong woman, who was a disciplinarian and yet always caring for others, helping friends, family, and her community…a strong pillar. She raised us with Christian values and made sure we went to church 2 or 3 times a week. So it is natural that when she was diagnosed with cancer, I would be there for her. It was my turn to repay all the love she poured into us by showing up and supporting her through a very difficult time. What I did not anticipate was that I would also find myself taking care of my older half-brother. I honestly wish I could say that I found joy in that, but I didn’t. He was difficult and extremely challenging. I thought many times about the verse…

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' there is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31

That commandment is easy to follow when the person is easy to love…but it is very hard to love someone who makes it nearly impossible. And yet that is exactly what God commands us to do. A year of traveling back and forth to offer support and care for my mother, while at the same time dealing with my brother began to weigh down on me. As my mother began to win her fight against cancer, my brother became more and more difficult. I had begun to experience more frequent headaches, sleepless nights, and asthma flare-ups. What was my body telling me? It had reached its limit. Then I was reminded of the word “BOUNDARIES.” Of course, I should know this, but I was so caught up doing, doing, and doing that I forgot to set my boundaries. That “aha” moment got me to reflect on questions such as:

Why do I feel the way I do about this situation? Emotionally, physically, mentally?
What assumptions have I been making? Am I alone in this? Or have I chosen to do this alone?
What am I willing to do for the other person and where do I draw the line? How clear have I been about this to them?
How is this affecting me? How am I treating others because of this?

After spending time getting clarity, I began to take necessary measures. It begins with having a difficult conversation with the matriarch of my family...my mom. She has always protected my older brother and does not take kindly to people complaining about him. However, I pressed on and shared my feelings, steering clear from blaming or judging and only focusing on my ask. I was specific and clear about what I was willing to do and what I would not do. Yikes…did I just say that to my mother? At first, I assumed that she would respond by giving me a stern look and raising her pointer finger, but in truth, as difficult as it was for her to hear, she listened, understood, and validated me. It was a challenging conversation, however, being clear about my ask allowed me to stay focused. Clarity can help you define where you are and what destination you want to get to. If you don’t know where you are in the present, then how can your internal GPS help you get to where you need to be?

The next task wasn’t so tough because I had mustered so much anger already that I figured I would go in there and give my brother a piece of my mind….then I remembered the verse 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Ugh, not so easy now…God was asking me to do something very difficult. So there I go, taking time to clear my head “AGAIN!” This is a very important step because if our emotions are driving us, then the outcomes will be less favorable. While the conversation was stern and much more direct, I stayed away from tones that might make him feel shamed or mistreated. In the end, I was able to articulate what my boundaries are and how I would protect those. I wish I could say it worked, but he continues to challenge those boundaries at times. The truth is that having that talk was more for me than for my mother or my brother. Being clear about my boundaries helps me stay on course and accountable. I moved forward…got unstuck. I was able to dig myself out of that place of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I was able to trade out the lens that made me see things in a negative light for a lens that lets me see God’s grace in this whole situation.

Having a difficult conversation with your family can sometimes be daunting and challenging, but choosing not to have them can sever the relationship while hurting yourself along the way. If you want to learn more about how to have tough conversations that can get you the results you want, click here to watch a video from our Casademia online learning platform.

We would love to connect with you! Click here to schedule an appointment.

by Omaira Gonzalez

mothers

boundaries